Page 12 | Is my friendship inappropriate?

Rosegarden47 · 2025-01-04T16:21:40+00:00

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years. I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid. When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity. When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times. I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago? I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 05/01/2025 22:04

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:08

Okay. I can’t believe I’m doing this but I guess it might help people understand better. Maybe my judgement is way off, I don’t know. Off the top of my head (this is roughly over a 19 month period)
-The first time I would consider he crossed the line I was pregnant with our daughter, he grabbed me from behind and put his hand over my mouth to stop my crying (following an argument)
-A few instances of grabbing and pinning me down (usually when I’ve lost my temper)
-Pressuring me to have sex before I was ready after giving birth, saying if we hadn’t by x date he would leave
-Pushing me against the wall and shaking me really hard. This is the only time he’s ever actually physically hurt me, though it wasn’t intentional I hit my head quite hard
-Not being bothered to take me to hospital when I was semi delirious with appendicitis and making his dad take me instead
-Punching the walls and throwing his wedding ring in my face when I confronted him for swearing at our daughter. That time I genuinely believe he probably would have hit me if I didn’t keep my mouth shut
-Losing it and threatening to throw me out of the house and keeping our daughter when I said “yuck“ when he was eating a dish I didn’t like

Nothing that has been seriously physical and after he calmed down in all these instances he has been genuinely humiliated and sorry for how he acted.

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Fucking hell OP. All of these things are horrendous. I get that your perspective is skewed because of your upbringing, but none of this stuff takes place in the "average" relationship.

He's already started swearing at your daughter. How long before he escalates his abuse towards her? You know what it's like growing up with an abusive parent, how can you want that for her too?

Joelle84 · 05/01/2025 22:03

Abuse does often show itself when you get pregnant and slowly gets worse. Read up on it. Arm yourself with knowledge x

XChrome · 05/01/2025 21:59

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:55

I just don’t understand how we got here. Before our daughter was born we had the happiest relationship. We dealt with issues and conflict in a healthy way. Even now, when things are good, they’re great. I don’t want to throw away all the positives for a handful of bad instances in the six years we’ve been together

Google the cycle of abuse. This is classic abuser behaviour. If you were to stand up for yourself or your daughter more it would not be a handful of incidents, it would be a regular occurrence. You are walking on eggshells and avoiding calling him out on his abuse of your daughter to keep him from hitting you.
It doesn't get any more clear cut than that. This man is dangerous. Just stop the rationalizations and face the truth.

XChrome · 05/01/2025 21:56

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:08

Okay. I can’t believe I’m doing this but I guess it might help people understand better. Maybe my judgement is way off, I don’t know. Off the top of my head (this is roughly over a 19 month period)
-The first time I would consider he crossed the line I was pregnant with our daughter, he grabbed me from behind and put his hand over my mouth to stop my crying (following an argument)
-A few instances of grabbing and pinning me down (usually when I’ve lost my temper)
-Pressuring me to have sex before I was ready after giving birth, saying if we hadn’t by x date he would leave
-Pushing me against the wall and shaking me really hard. This is the only time he’s ever actually physically hurt me, though it wasn’t intentional I hit my head quite hard
-Not being bothered to take me to hospital when I was semi delirious with appendicitis and making his dad take me instead
-Punching the walls and throwing his wedding ring in my face when I confronted him for swearing at our daughter. That time I genuinely believe he probably would have hit me if I didn’t keep my mouth shut
-Losing it and threatening to throw me out of the house and keeping our daughter when I said “yuck“ when he was eating a dish I didn’t like

Nothing that has been seriously physical and after he calmed down in all these instances he has been genuinely humiliated and sorry for how he acted.

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Good grief. Please stop defending him and face reality. He is an abuser.
Yes, your judgement is poor if you believe that pattern of emotionally, sexually and physically, abusive acts is remotely acceptable and forgiveable. Please leave him, if not for your own sake then for your daughter. By your own admission he verbally abuses her and if you stay with him you are enabling that. Your daughter needs to be your first priority.

Original poster

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:55

I just don’t understand how we got here. Before our daughter was born we had the happiest relationship. We dealt with issues and conflict in a healthy way. Even now, when things are good, they’re great. I don’t want to throw away all the positives for a handful of bad instances in the six years we’ve been together

OP posts:

Joelle84 · 05/01/2025 21:50

Theres nothing wrong with getting ducks in a row op. Working out money, do you think going ahead with this pregnancy (if you are is it a good idea atm?), getting a job, checking out how much he earns, what do you both have in savings? Is money joint? Do you have access to that? What other assets. Passports, birth certificates etc

do you have any close friend(s)/family you could confide in other than Ashley for real life support?

Lostcat · 05/01/2025 21:43

How is this situation all your fault? It’s not your fault at all! You’ve done nothing wrong. Your husband is being controlling and it’s not ok.

Puddingcloths · 05/01/2025 21:43

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:26

It sounds worse when it’s all put together like that. Bear in mind that a lot of these instances had months in between.

I don’t know. If something happens again then I will. If I lose him I lose my home, the only stable home I’ve ever had, and it’s not just me, it’s my daughter as well.

I also think I might be pregnant. I don’t know how that will change things

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You’re being strong for your daughter and loyal to your husband, but please think how you’d feel if your daughter phoned you 25 years from now to say her husband had done these things to her. Would you feel she should stay? What example do you want to set for her about whether it is acceptable behaviour? Those things aren’t just degrading, they are violent and cross a red line. Sorry to be so direct saying something you don’t want to hear. I feel very bad for you.

SensibleSigma · 05/01/2025 21:41

The next time he might kill you.

This is seriously abusive. Not ‘ a bit’. Not ‘better than he used to be’.

Those things are awful. I have been married over 30 years. In that time he has accidentally hurt me because of clumsiness and he’s been grumpy.

He has never sworn at me. Never covered my mouth. Never pinned me down. Never told me if we don’t have sex soon he’ll leave me. Never pushed me against a wall.

I’m so sorry you think these things are normal.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 05/01/2025 21:38

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:26

It sounds worse when it’s all put together like that. Bear in mind that a lot of these instances had months in between.

I don’t know. If something happens again then I will. If I lose him I lose my home, the only stable home I’ve ever had, and it’s not just me, it’s my daughter as well.

I also think I might be pregnant. I don’t know how that will change things

Show quote history

Please speak to Women’s Aid. You won’t be required to commit to anything and you’ll gain an honest assessment of your situation (and your options) that isn’t provided by randoms on the internet.

Merryoldgoat · 05/01/2025 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:26

ForZanyAquaViewer · 05/01/2025 21:14

Jesus Christ, OP. That’s actually much worse than I was imagining! That’s terrifying!

Would you be willing to speak to Women’s Aid? You’re clearly reluctant to engage with what we’re saying, so would you be comfortable speaking to professionals?!

Show quote history

It sounds worse when it’s all put together like that. Bear in mind that a lot of these instances had months in between.

I don’t know. If something happens again then I will. If I lose him I lose my home, the only stable home I’ve ever had, and it’s not just me, it’s my daughter as well.

I also think I might be pregnant. I don’t know how that will change things

OP posts:

PennyApril54 · 05/01/2025 21:21

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:08

Okay. I can’t believe I’m doing this but I guess it might help people understand better. Maybe my judgement is way off, I don’t know. Off the top of my head (this is roughly over a 19 month period)
-The first time I would consider he crossed the line I was pregnant with our daughter, he grabbed me from behind and put his hand over my mouth to stop my crying (following an argument)
-A few instances of grabbing and pinning me down (usually when I’ve lost my temper)
-Pressuring me to have sex before I was ready after giving birth, saying if we hadn’t by x date he would leave
-Pushing me against the wall and shaking me really hard. This is the only time he’s ever actually physically hurt me, though it wasn’t intentional I hit my head quite hard
-Not being bothered to take me to hospital when I was semi delirious with appendicitis and making his dad take me instead
-Punching the walls and throwing his wedding ring in my face when I confronted him for swearing at our daughter. That time I genuinely believe he probably would have hit me if I didn’t keep my mouth shut
-Losing it and threatening to throw me out of the house and keeping our daughter when I said “yuck“ when he was eating a dish I didn’t like

Nothing that has been seriously physical and after he calmed down in all these instances he has been genuinely humiliated and sorry for how he acted.

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I think these are seriously physical. If it isn't a suitable way to behave in front of others then it isn't a suitable way to behave period. ❤️

ItsFunToBeAVampire · 05/01/2025 21:21

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:08

Okay. I can’t believe I’m doing this but I guess it might help people understand better. Maybe my judgement is way off, I don’t know. Off the top of my head (this is roughly over a 19 month period)
-The first time I would consider he crossed the line I was pregnant with our daughter, he grabbed me from behind and put his hand over my mouth to stop my crying (following an argument)
-A few instances of grabbing and pinning me down (usually when I’ve lost my temper)
-Pressuring me to have sex before I was ready after giving birth, saying if we hadn’t by x date he would leave
-Pushing me against the wall and shaking me really hard. This is the only time he’s ever actually physically hurt me, though it wasn’t intentional I hit my head quite hard
-Not being bothered to take me to hospital when I was semi delirious with appendicitis and making his dad take me instead
-Punching the walls and throwing his wedding ring in my face when I confronted him for swearing at our daughter. That time I genuinely believe he probably would have hit me if I didn’t keep my mouth shut
-Losing it and threatening to throw me out of the house and keeping our daughter when I said “yuck“ when he was eating a dish I didn’t like

Nothing that has been seriously physical and after he calmed down in all these instances he has been genuinely humiliated and sorry for how he acted.

Edited

Show quote history

None of that is OK or normal.

Due to your past, you've got a warped sense of what is normal in a marriage.

I've been with my husband for 25 years, and he has never once laid a hand on me in anger.

Your husband is abusive.

Joelle84 · 05/01/2025 21:20

Thanks for sharing op. I know its difficult to talk about these things. I really think you should call/chat online to WA tomorrow if possible for them to advise you. It is abusive. Hes not hit you YET but it does seem to be escalating over time. Hes seeing what youll put up with/he can get away with. Asking you not to mention to counsellor (or what will happen if you told?). Its worrying. Remember your anonymous on here. Log out of your mumsnet account and delete history if you believe he will look through your phone.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 05/01/2025 21:14

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:08

Okay. I can’t believe I’m doing this but I guess it might help people understand better. Maybe my judgement is way off, I don’t know. Off the top of my head (this is roughly over a 19 month period)
-The first time I would consider he crossed the line I was pregnant with our daughter, he grabbed me from behind and put his hand over my mouth to stop my crying (following an argument)
-A few instances of grabbing and pinning me down (usually when I’ve lost my temper)
-Pressuring me to have sex before I was ready after giving birth, saying if we hadn’t by x date he would leave
-Pushing me against the wall and shaking me really hard. This is the only time he’s ever actually physically hurt me, though it wasn’t intentional I hit my head quite hard
-Not being bothered to take me to hospital when I was semi delirious with appendicitis and making his dad take me instead
-Punching the walls and throwing his wedding ring in my face when I confronted him for swearing at our daughter. That time I genuinely believe he probably would have hit me if I didn’t keep my mouth shut
-Losing it and threatening to throw me out of the house and keeping our daughter when I said “yuck“ when he was eating a dish I didn’t like

Nothing that has been seriously physical and after he calmed down in all these instances he has been genuinely humiliated and sorry for how he acted.

Edited

Show quote history

Jesus Christ, OP. That’s actually much worse than I was imagining! That’s terrifying!

Would you be willing to speak to Women’s Aid? You’re clearly reluctant to engage with what we’re saying, so would you be comfortable speaking to professionals?!

Original poster

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:08

Joelle84 · 05/01/2025 20:50

When you say “hes done abusive things in the heat of the moment” can you elaborate on those?

Okay. I can’t believe I’m doing this but I guess it might help people understand better. Maybe my judgement is way off, I don’t know. Off the top of my head (this is roughly over a 19 month period)
-The first time I would consider he crossed the line I was pregnant with our daughter, he grabbed me from behind and put his hand over my mouth to stop my crying (following an argument)
-A few instances of grabbing and pinning me down (usually when I’ve lost my temper)
-Pressuring me to have sex before I was ready after giving birth, saying if we hadn’t by x date he would leave
-Pushing me against the wall and shaking me really hard. This is the only time he’s ever actually physically hurt me, though it wasn’t intentional I hit my head quite hard
-Not being bothered to take me to hospital when I was semi delirious with appendicitis and making his dad take me instead
-Punching the walls and throwing his wedding ring in my face when I confronted him for swearing at our daughter. That time I genuinely believe he probably would have hit me if I didn’t keep my mouth shut
-Losing it and threatening to throw me out of the house and keeping our daughter when I said “yuck“ when he was eating a dish I didn’t like

Nothing that has been seriously physical and after he calmed down in all these instances he has been genuinely humiliated and sorry for how he acted.

OP posts:

ForZanyAquaViewer · 05/01/2025 21:01

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 20:42

I honestly believe things might have changed. I know that’s not normally how things go, our last bad fight was in early December and since we’ve gone back to a positive place that I’ve not experienced since before our daughter was born. If anything bad happens again, then I’ll to face some facts

We’re both allowed boundaries, for example I told him I’m not comfortable going into details about our sex life or fertility problems.

I know he’s done abusive things in the heat of the moment (seriously, I really think people are overestimating what these actually were). But I don’t believe he is an abusive person

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‘We’re both allowed boundaries’ doesn’t actually answer my questions. You don’t need to answer them to me, but please answer them to yourself. And reflect on the answers.

Also, if you think we’re overestimating the abusive things, then tell us what they were.

Joelle84 · 05/01/2025 20:50

When you say “hes done abusive things in the heat of the moment” can you elaborate on those?

Original poster

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 20:42

ForZanyAquaViewer · 05/01/2025 20:31

I honestly don’t believe the things that he’s done don’t happen in the majority of relationships

They don’t and you know they don’t. If you’re not on honestly believed that they did, you wouldn’t be hiding them from your counsellor.

Do you believe that most people (in non-abusive relationships) in couples’ counselling get told off by their partners for telling the truth during sessions? Do you think they’re required to hide things?

Your metric for judging relationships and abuse is clearly off kilter, but you’re clearly an intelligent woman. You know none of this is acceptable. You know your husband is abusive. You need to stop telling yourself comforting lies and get out of this situation.

Show quote history

I honestly believe things might have changed. I know that’s not normally how things go, our last bad fight was in early December and since we’ve gone back to a positive place that I’ve not experienced since before our daughter was born. If anything bad happens again, then I’ll to face some facts

We’re both allowed boundaries, for example I told him I’m not comfortable going into details about our sex life or fertility problems.

I know he’s done abusive things in the heat of the moment (seriously, I really think people are overestimating what these actually were). But I don’t believe he is an abusive person

OP posts:

ForZanyAquaViewer · 05/01/2025 20:31

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 19:27

I just don’t see things that black and white. Though last autumn I was close to leaving, I really have seen a change for the better in him since we started the marriage counselling, despite its limitations.

l grew up with my parents in a very violent relationship. The things that have happened with my husband are peanuts in comparison, and in comparison to a couple of bad relationships I’ve had as a teen. It’s made me incredibly conflict phobic I do struggle to know what is normal, and I honestly don’t believe the things that he’s done don’t happen in the majority of relationships

Show quote history

I honestly don’t believe the things that he’s done don’t happen in the majority of relationships

They don’t and you know they don’t. If you’re not on honestly believed that they did, you wouldn’t be hiding them from your counsellor.

Do you believe that most people (in non-abusive relationships) in couples’ counselling get told off by their partners for telling the truth during sessions? Do you think they’re required to hide things?

Your metric for judging relationships and abuse is clearly off kilter, but you’re clearly an intelligent woman. You know none of this is acceptable. You know your husband is abusive. You need to stop telling yourself comforting lies and get out of this situation.

Beesandhoney123 · 05/01/2025 20:09

Couple counselling is a waste of time for you. The councillor doesnt sound very good either, if they dismiss your feelings and you know they think your husband is charming. It's pointless going.

You do seem drawn to men whom are abusive- previous dp pushing you down stairs, now this one. Talk to womens aid, stay on mumsnet. Log out and don't save your password on your phone.

Ashley is a rescuer. You need to, in the nicest way possible to find a way to leave, be self sufficient and get some friends whom are not rescuers. Break the pattern. Womens aid can help you do that. There will be support on here too.

Do you have any family nearby or you can stay with?

Your dh knows he is a dick. Document everything.

Original poster

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 20:05

outerspacepotato · 05/01/2025 19:56

Your judgement of what is normal in a relationship is thrown off by growing up in an abusive home and mirroring that in your relationships including this one.

Why are you having solo sessions with your marriage counselor? That's not good at all. Find someone preferably experienced with trauma, for doing your own individual counseling.

Our marriage counsellor does occasional 1/1 sessions, especially at the beginning

OP posts:

outerspacepotato · 05/01/2025 19:56

Your judgement of what is normal in a relationship is thrown off by growing up in an abusive home and mirroring that in your relationships including this one.

Why are you having solo sessions with your marriage counselor? That's not good at all. Find someone preferably experienced with trauma, for doing your own individual counseling.

dapsnotplimsolls · 05/01/2025 19:55

Bloody hell OP. Stop minimising what he does.