Arguments over moving house

Green3 · 2025-01-04T16:20:54+00:00

AIBU? Long story short , a house came up for sale in the village over from ours. It needs work but it’s the perfect house, ticks every box. Bedroom each for the children, big garden, walking distance to school, walking distance to the husbands local pub, to the rugby club to his parents etc . It’s where my husband grew up. I love the house and I don’t mind a renovation project. It’s still up the road from my family too. Love the area. Financially we would be better off too. The husband has gone along with it all, wasn’t keen on the work to be done but said a year from now when it’s done he will be happy just dreads the thought of all the work. Now that we are like 3-4 weeks away from the actually move and it’s real(we get a completion/exchange date next week) he’s upset we are moving. Loves the house we are in and says I’ve dragged him to move and can’t be happy for it. I will admit I have pushed it as it’s literally an amazing home and I can see the potential it has without having to extend. The house we’re in now is a 3 bed semi , and the house we’re are moving to is a 4 bed detached . Same price. It’s causing huge arguments now and I’m unsure what to do? My mentality is hard work pays off, anything you want in life worth having will be a little hard. Love him to death but he’s the opposite 😂 he is happy to plod along in life and isn’t one for change . AIBU?

Original poster

Green3 · 04/01/2025 19:00

brummumma · 04/01/2025 18:58

It isn't about having the money to pay tradesmen to come in and do it for you - it's probably more stressful researching sourcing going through with builders what you want, making sure they turn up in the first place to quote then chasing you actually get a quote out of them and then making sure they turn up on the day and the work is done to your standard which is more stressful than renovating yourself

So whilst I would say yes the house sounds perfect for you needs OP you are a bit selfish and entitled to expect your husband to sort out all of the above

Thanks for jumping to that assumption, and name calling. But it is me who is sorting all the tradesmen and project managing it. As it’s me who is more in that industry and has the contacts 😉

OP posts:

brummumma · 04/01/2025 18:59

Maybe you should offer to organise all the work yourself OP and project manage it since you think it's so easy

brummumma · 04/01/2025 18:58

It isn't about having the money to pay tradesmen to come in and do it for you - it's probably more stressful researching sourcing going through with builders what you want, making sure they turn up in the first place to quote then chasing you actually get a quote out of them and then making sure they turn up on the day and the work is done to your standard which is more stressful than renovating yourself

So whilst I would say yes the house sounds perfect for you needs OP you are a bit selfish and entitled to expect your husband to sort out all of the above

SpryCat · 04/01/2025 18:54

Daftasabroom · 04/01/2025 18:15

@Green3 how about you do ALL the Reno work? It seems like you've "volunteered" DH for a life of purgatory, he's said no from the start but you've pushed ahead anyway. I'd be furious.

Op already posted they have the money for the renovation so H won’t be doing it.

SpryCat · 04/01/2025 18:53

Green3 · 04/01/2025 16:54

he didn’t want to move, but we agreed if we found a house that ticked most boxes we would. A year after that we found the house. The only thing putting him off is the renovation side of it. We have the money to renovate so no he won’t be doing the work himself. This house would be our second move and forever home. We have 3 boys in a 3 bed semi so the new house would be ideal. So many reasons to move and the hubby agrees he would love it once it’s done. He is just upset now it’s real and we will be leaving the comforts of our now home to start work on a new one .

Now it’s near the time to move he’s feeling sentimental, it can be sad moving from a home. I would make sure he definitely feels he will love the new home once it’s done and get the packing boxes ready x

Tricho · 04/01/2025 18:21

Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue · 04/01/2025 18:04

Taking a second thought. Does anyone else think if roles were reversed and the husband wanted to move and the wife is hesitant the advice would be the same?

I think it would be more like - don’t let him talk you into something you don’t want to do, this is emotional bullying, why are your feelings the only ones that matter etc.

Edited

"OP this is coercive control. LTB. Now. Otherwise where will him telling you what you're doing regardless of how you feel about it end?"

Daftasabroom · 04/01/2025 18:15

@Green3 how about you do ALL the Reno work? It seems like you've "volunteered" DH for a life of purgatory, he's said no from the start but you've pushed ahead anyway. I'd be furious.

Original poster

Green3 · 04/01/2025 18:12

Shinyandnew1 · 04/01/2025 18:07

Financially we would be better off too.

How is that so when the two houses cost the same?

Lower council tax, paying off a loan with the equity too etc .

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 04/01/2025 18:07

Financially we would be better off too.

How is that so when the two houses cost the same?

Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue · 04/01/2025 18:04

Taking a second thought. Does anyone else think if roles were reversed and the husband wanted to move and the wife is hesitant the advice would be the same?

I think it would be more like - don’t let him talk you into something you don’t want to do, this is emotional bullying, why are your feelings the only ones that matter etc.

martinisforeveryone · 04/01/2025 17:59

Good luck @Green3 as others have said, it's for the long term gain and sounds like a really exciting project.

It's so easy to stay in your comfort zone, I can understand your DH getting the jitters, just gently encourage him and don't throw away this fantastic opportunity, they don't come along that often, so you have to seize the day.

Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue · 04/01/2025 17:59

Green3 · 04/01/2025 16:39

He would love for something to come up so it falls through, our home now is beautiful . But I can see the new home will be even more so eventually , he says he will follow me and it is what it is. But I don’t want this attitude towards a move when it’s going to be hard work as it is without having felt like I’ve dragged him along . His feelings are valid but I can’t see why he can’t be on the same page.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

You wanted to move and he didn’t.
He loves where he lives, you don’t.
You can see the potential, he can only see the work.

You want to blissfully move to your new house and anticipating his opposite reaction yiu don’t want his attitude.

It is unreasonable to expect him to be blissful about this just because you want that. Moving house is an enormous upheaval as is a renovation project with unseen costs, hassle and stress.

It sounds like you are seeing the whole thing through very rose tinted glasses and he is seeing his reality.

OP, YABU.

Original poster

Green3 · 04/01/2025 17:47

creamsnugjumper · 04/01/2025 17:41

OP we are living in. 2 bed tiny cottage that's needs full renovation, it's a 5 year project large scale extension etc. We moved here from a large 5 bed Georgian house, full restored and featured in a magazine.

The word compromise sums up our move, my DH didn't love the move, my kids hated this place it didn't suit lots of things but I spent 8 years living in the bigger house and not loving the location.

I kind of forced this move I had the vision this was going to be a happy house, it felt like home it gave "me" a fab feeling and 2 years on we are just getting planning to start work and everyone will admit through gritted teeth that this was a fantastic move.

It's less money, less stress, perfect location, fab countryside and just works.

I would in your shoes just be selfish, stick to your guns if you have the conviction it's a good move just move.

Your DH has had plenty of time to say more, it's deeply unfair of him to say something now and I'd say "too late" once you are in just ignore nay moaning and get on with live.

Sounds like he's just nervous, and as long are narrated as whole is OK then go with your gut.

I know later on in the year this will all be a distant memory and he will be chuffed we did it ! Glad it all worked out for you too x

OP posts:

OurDreamLife · 04/01/2025 17:45

I moved at the start of 2024 but in the weeks before I got massive cold feet like this. It took me about a month to settle but once I did I realised the move was the perfect thing to have done.

Original poster

Green3 · 04/01/2025 17:42

Can I just say I didn’t expect this many replies , thank you all for the comments. I will have a chat tonight and agree we may not have to have the same feelings towards the move but it will be so worth it in the end. I feel better about it now 😂🤎 thank you all

OP posts:

creamsnugjumper · 04/01/2025 17:41

OP we are living in. 2 bed tiny cottage that's needs full renovation, it's a 5 year project large scale extension etc. We moved here from a large 5 bed Georgian house, full restored and featured in a magazine.

The word compromise sums up our move, my DH didn't love the move, my kids hated this place it didn't suit lots of things but I spent 8 years living in the bigger house and not loving the location.

I kind of forced this move I had the vision this was going to be a happy house, it felt like home it gave "me" a fab feeling and 2 years on we are just getting planning to start work and everyone will admit through gritted teeth that this was a fantastic move.

It's less money, less stress, perfect location, fab countryside and just works.

I would in your shoes just be selfish, stick to your guns if you have the conviction it's a good move just move.

Your DH has had plenty of time to say more, it's deeply unfair of him to say something now and I'd say "too late" once you are in just ignore nay moaning and get on with live.

Sounds like he's just nervous, and as long are narrated as whole is OK then go with your gut.

Original poster

Green3 · 04/01/2025 17:41

Sazzerss · 04/01/2025 17:36

Sounds like he is overwhelmed.
My husband was a bit when we bought a large old house and had a 6 month renovation ahead of us.

But all these years later it has been a large comfortable home in a fantastic urban setting with a huge garden that will provide three priceless sites for our children.

Each child having a room during the teenage years is an enormous blessing.
One of the reasons that has helped our children grow up such close friends is because they had their own privacy and space.

Yes to some months of a bit of work and perhaps stress but the long-term payback sounds huge.

Push through this.
Your anger if you don't will be more divisive than his.
Tell him that!

Thank you, no doubt he probably is overwhelmed as his character doesn’t like change and he’s happy and content where he is.
but for me I agree it’s a no brainer , the benefits far outweigh the negatives. And it will be hard for a few months but long term it will be amazing.

OP posts:

magicalmrmistoffelees · 04/01/2025 17:40

His feelings are valid but I can’t see why he can’t be on the same page

It’s a bit unreasonable to expect someone to feel exactly the same way that you do about something, just because you want them to.

KimFan · 04/01/2025 17:37

Green3 · 04/01/2025 16:54

he didn’t want to move, but we agreed if we found a house that ticked most boxes we would. A year after that we found the house. The only thing putting him off is the renovation side of it. We have the money to renovate so no he won’t be doing the work himself. This house would be our second move and forever home. We have 3 boys in a 3 bed semi so the new house would be ideal. So many reasons to move and the hubby agrees he would love it once it’s done. He is just upset now it’s real and we will be leaving the comforts of our now home to start work on a new one .

Well if this is the only negative, it’s a bit of a non-issue isn’t it. Sometimes a bit of effort is required to get you what you want in life. He’ll survive!

Sazzerss · 04/01/2025 17:36

Sounds like he is overwhelmed.
My husband was a bit when we bought a large old house and had a 6 month renovation ahead of us.

But all these years later it has been a large comfortable home in a fantastic urban setting with a huge garden that will provide three priceless sites for our children.

Each child having a room during the teenage years is an enormous blessing.
One of the reasons that has helped our children grow up such close friends is because they had their own privacy and space.

Yes to some months of a bit of work and perhaps stress but the long-term payback sounds huge.

Push through this.
Your anger if you don't will be more divisive than his.
Tell him that!

Isittimeformynapyet · 04/01/2025 17:33

Tricho · 04/01/2025 16:43

Great question.

What happens when you see the next shiny thing and lose interest?

Show quote history

The OP hasn't lost interest.

Spirallingdownwards · 04/01/2025 17:32

Even do a list of pros and cons (if any) and ask him to look at it and add to it if he has any reasons to add. Seeing it written down may make him realise you're right

Lilactimes · 04/01/2025 17:29

It sounds crazy not to do it. A bigger place in a better location l, the freedom of not giving lifts/ school runs and walking to and from the pub! What’s not to like??
Such a shame your H is so unhappy about it. What would he say if you seriously offered to pull out and halt the move? Is he just having a bit of a grumble that could be appeased by you taking on the volume of all the work or is it genuinely damaging to your relationship because he feels unheard and bulldozed?
can you take him out and have a serious chat @Green3 ?
good luck with it x

Original poster

Green3 · 04/01/2025 17:27

MimiSunshine · 04/01/2025 17:26

IF you were to pull out now he’d soon regret it when in a few years you have 3 giant teenage boys squashed in a too small a space and in the mean time the 4 bed has resold and is now looking beautiful.

if he’s a creature of habit then he’s just got jitters, of course you’ve pushed through, he’d likely never do much or change anything otherwise. He’s said himself he’ll be happy there once it’s all done.
and what’s a year in the grand scheme of things when you’ll have decades of living in a beautiful home with lots of space.

tell him to stop blaming you for his passivity and to stop being a grump

This 🙌 perfectly said thank you!

OP posts:

ShodAndShadySenators · 04/01/2025 17:27

I think all you can do is reassure him that it will be a bit of upheaval but it will be totally worth it in the end. You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs! Plus remind him of the benefits of the new property that you simply won't have if you (wasting your money and time) stay where you are.

These things are always daunting especially if you don't particularly like change, but once all the work has been done, he'll be so glad you made the move.