Do I tell the ex's wife what he's really like?

All i might be tempted with is to quietly say one day if you ever want a coffee there’s lots i could tell you. Then it’s up to her

It won't cause any shit for him, in fact you will make his life easier because you will have reinforced the image of you as a crazy eijit.
If you want to both irritate him and save your own sanity stop engaging in the bullshit. Don't get into back and forth, I'd reply with 'k' or thumbs up emojis where applicable and not reply at all as much as possible. Grey rock him, you know what he is like, the games he is playing and damage he is doing, you are never going to get justice or pay him back for what he is done. Knowing what he is doing and playing into it is self-sabatoge on your part (and I'm not at all dismissing how unfair it all is or how hurt you are and its human nature to want to expose the lies and manipulation ), the only control you actually have is to save yourself by dragging yourself out of the mire of shit, you can't control anything around him or her.

Her face would have dropped anyway because you can't actually say anything other than blaming yourself why she can't go. They were the facts, he didn't want his family to get ill so cancelled.

You don't have to be mean about it but you are actually enabling them to be treated like crap by covering for him. You don't even have to be shitty about him, yes, they'll be upset but I am so over women covering for crappy men. I've done the same so no judgement - but I've recently stopped and he's actually been better because the kids are calling him out on it now.

The one practical thing that will help in the short term is to never answer his calls and never call him. Only send and reply to texts if absolutely necessary.

She is married to him and has her own experience of living with him.

If she is happy and he is good to her, she isn't going to change her opinion of him just because your experience with him is different. You will just come across as a bitter, jealous, batshit ex-wife.

If she is unhappy with him, she will already know what he is like, so you don't need to tell her.

I was once very happy with my ex-husband. He was kind, loving and gentle. There was nothing he wouldn't do for me. We adored each other.

Then he feel out of love with me and - to me - became a different person. I didn't recognise him anymore. He was still a "good" person, but the generous, loving man had gone.

Of course, he hadn't changed really. He was the same man, he just didn't love me anymore. His new wife now has the man I once had. They love each other. Why should I want to spoil that, unless I feel bitter and jealous? Even when the pain of him leaving me for her was raw, I would not have said anything to her about it.

Maintaining my dignity was important. Twenty years later, I'm glad I let him go without drama. I feel nothing for him now and - as far as I am aware - they are still happy together.

Accept that he doesn't love you anymore and that affects your relationship. Also consider how your behaviour affects the dynamic in your relationship. The very fact that you feel the need to badmouth him to his wife suggests toxicity on both sides of your relationship with your ex-husband.

Leave their relationship alone and concentrate on being happy with what you have.

Oh and to add to above - if he’s already treating her badly and she’s planning an exit, her opinion won’t really matter for long as she’ll stop being part of yours /your DDs life soon.

either way, it doesn’t matter what she thinks of you.

She will either believe you or she won’t. If she believes you, that’s because he’s already treating her the same now she’s married to him. If she doesn’t, it’s because he’s managing to continue to mask who he is with her and she believes you are the crazy one, this will just strengthen her belief that you are crazy, it won’t change her mind. But if she does double down on you being insane, it will make it harder for her to admit to herself the problem is him when the time comes that he stops hiding who he is from her.

There is no good outcome for you for this and most importantly, nothing you can do will improve her opinion of you.

stop answering his calls. Any text - stop reacting even if he triggers you, learn to give it a moment and before hitting send, imagine him reading it out, will it be proof of your insanity? Professional cold sounding messages only.

In this case, I would say, 'sorry DD dad said he would pay half and now I can't afford the whole coat'

Honestly, grey rock him and stop enabling him by hiding his shitty behaviour to his children. He doesn't turn up, don't hide the fact and cover it just say 'daddy says he's busy so he's cancelling, I don't know why you'll have to ask him', if the kids question why you don't speak to daddy anymore or upset just say 'dad isn't being very nice to me so I am putting in boundaries' etc.

You only have a few more years having to interact and then the children can do this themselves. Keep your head up!

So as others have said, do not argue with him and limit your reasonable communication to written forms. You are giving this man too much head space.

You sound like you are stuck in the cycle of abuse still. Really recommend blocking him and using a parenting app.

No it would make you look more the fool tbh op. Just leave them to it

This is not a him issue its a you problem.
Op you need to move on with your life just as he has with his life.
Dont start something up to cause drama its just nit picking.
It will take time for you to heal but you will and for the new wife she will see who he really is in the long run or they just might be together for decades because they click and get on.
Just thank your luck stars you dont have to put up with him.
As i said above you need to move on and let it be now.

They’ll get your chronological list and have a good old laugh over how crazy you are. Lots of guffaws about how you need to move on.

You need counselling to get him out of your head. Being triggered after all these years is your problem to solve. Counselling will help you get some emotional distance.

if the marriage has damaged you, then it is up to you to seek help so he no longer has the power to trigger you.

This is so true. I have done a load of work on myself, and had tons upon tons of counselling and honestly, my ex is nothing to me now - and I only wish I'd been able to get to this point sooner, because it's great.

I simply don't care. Not in any way does he bother me, I have zero emotion about him now. And it's so freeing.

Stop answering his calls. If he leaves a message, take a few minutes to think of a reply. I'd take all the emotion out of it - stop jumping to answer his calls for him then to attack you. Grey rock. Keep to facts.

OP, think this through.
You want to ‘prove’ you’re not crazy by getting in touch with his current wife and spouting off about him? That is a bit bonkers.

If you want to ‘prove’ anything just stay completely calm in every interaction.

Respectfully, if the marriage has damaged you, then it is up to you to seek help so he no longer has the power to trigger you.

Only communicate with him through a parenting app. Block his number. You're letting him continue to be abusive. Stop.

I think you'd be better to grey rock. So factual replies, don't answer the calls or just stick to a script 'thanks for letting me know, I'll pick them up as planned, goodbye'
Don't rise to him, he's still getting things over on you

I am sorry it's so triggering for you, but this is a you issue, not a him issue. You need to disengage. It will be better for you in the long run, and better for your relationship with your DDs because at the end of the day, it's not good for them to hear you ranting and raving either.