Do I tell the ex's wife what he's really like?

And I want to win the lottery and look like Cindy Crawford in her heyday, but it’s never going to happen.

Realistically he’s not going to have changed his character. So he might be happily married now, but there’ll come a time when they’re having a rough patch and his true character comes out. You don’t need to try and convince her of anything; she’ll find out for herself eventually. Two of my exes nearly broke me. I’m now bloody grateful that they were as bad as they were, because if they weren’t, I’d still have been with them and wouldn’t have what I have now.

Your biggest issue is how to free yourself from his control. Firstly, you have to really believe it. It doesn’t matter how many children you have, how often he sees them or how much maintenance he pays; he absolutely cannot manipulate you unless you let him. And he gets such pleasure from doing that, so why would you let him? Personally I would block him and set up an email address specifically for him. And whenever he messages you, a standard reply of ‘I’ll let the DC know’ or ‘Your opinion is noted’ or ‘Thank you for your input’ or something equally as noncommittal is the only response to send him. It’s polite, to the point, cannot be criticised and, most importantly, will irritate him far, far more than anything else. If he’s just being an arsehole, do not respond. Go for a walk, punch a pillow, scrub the bathroom. Do anything but do not respond. Because he won’t even absorb what you say; he’ll just be taking pleasure that he’s wound you up. Take that control back from him. More importantly, with an email, you’ll have everything in writing. So when he cancels and then turns up an hour later, he won’t be able to deny having cancelled or make you look like a liar.

you can want that all you like. Nothing you do will achive it if he doesn't choose of himself to change. And sorry but clearly if you are saying this you haven't let it go.

Don't hide your exes behaviour from your daughter's. If he's now back tracking on buying your daughter a £100 coat, be honest with her 'I'm sorry, but Dad now can't afford to go halves with me'. If he cancels then say 'I'm sorry but Dad has cancelled, I'm not sure why, you'd need to ask him'. I understand you want to protect your daughter's from his behaviour, but by doing so you're enabling the 'Disney Dad' facade he's trying to portray. You can't protect them forever, they are getting older, and have more understanding. As others have said block him and use a Parenting App. Don't answer his calls, use email or the App. Everything then is logged. Be neutral, calm, polite and 'grey rock'. Seek some counselling, if he is triggering you that much. Don't, whatever you do, contact his wife - you will play straight into his hands as the 'nutty ex wife'!!

Yes, tell her.

Hold people accountable for their actions.

Might be fun and somehow empowering to compile a whole list of these that you could take turns in using. E.g.

Righto,
If you say so
Big thumbs up
Okey-dokey
Right you are

He knows exactly what buttons to push, what threads to pull to get you upset and agitated.

Minimise his effect on you.

Don't answer the phone or leap to reach his texts etc if the children are not with him. This will mean he must leave messages.

Keep them all. Your children may need to see/hear them when they're old enough to understand the reality of your experience with him V. his tales.

Only look at his messages at times convenient to you.

--

Keep your communications short, factual and childcare related.

Avoid emotion-led reactions and go to bland, dull responses.

'OK.'
'Let me know how that goes.'

He'll soon get bored when he's not getting his food.

--

Messaging her will feed right into his likely 'my crazy ex' narrative.

Either she'll find out what he's like ... Or she already knows.

Keep. Out.

Awww OP, I’m so sorry, please know you are not alone. It’s sooo hard to live with the injustice of it all. Make Miracles in 40days by Melodie Beattie tells a similar story to yours (at back of the book if you’re interested) to be lumped in with a narc for 10,20 years is depressing. Narcissists are hiding everywhere- well done for getting out and having a good relationship with your husband. Good luck x

He sounds just like my son's dad and I've gone through what you're feeling and spoke to his new partner - and it didn't make a difference at all other than make me look dumb and spark further retaliation from him. She is probably so besotted by him she won't leave him - plus he has likely done a very convincing job of making you look like the crazy one like you said. His partner has never seen the really awful side of him likely, she probably couldn't fathom that he could be so much of an arsehole. I remember when I was with my ex, he was the sweetest person other than the cheating. I would never have imagined him to turn out like he has because we were in love - at least for a bit. This is the side that everybody else is seeing and your words will do nothing but further illustrate how crazy you are lol.

Mine pays via CM - £60 p.m. I don't ask for help for other bits, I gave up and gives him some kind of power over me.

It sounds cliche but focus on making yourself better, earn more, healthier etc and you will care less and less. His behaviour may get better in time.

Good luck!

It’s so common to split up with a partner we can’t get on with, only to find we still hit the same problems when co-parenting.

It’s vital to set boundaries and put the interests and preferences of kids first.

If your DDs are too ill to go to their dad’s, and don’t want to go, then you should tell him that. He should understand. He can’t enter your home and drag them out. If they’re ill and want to be with him, but he’s worried about his other kids catching it, he should explain to you (and them) why he suggests it’s best to leave it. And you should support that, rather than suggesting he doesn’t want to see them. It’s perfectly reasonable to avoid infecting two homes.

If his tone or way of speaking triggers you, I suggest you avoid calls and keep yourself to very minimal and mature messages. Grey rock, as some folk call it. Don’t message when you’re stressed. Before you send every message imagine what everyone you know would think if they read it. For your kids’ sake, continue to adapt, and not make them aware, if he messes you or them about. Kids should be shielded from warring, unreliable or abusive parents. They’ll no doubt make their own minds up when they’re adults or you can explain it to them calmly when they’re older.

If it helps you get through it, given your kids’ ages, they’ll soon be teenagers and able/entitled to decide (within reason) for themselves when and how they spend time with each of you. And will communicate and make arrangements with their dad directly via their own phones. In a few years, they’ll be adults and you’ll have less need to communicate with him at all (barring any serious worries etc).

I remember this. I think the universal reply was ‘ok, let me know how that goes’.

I blocked my ex on WhatsApp and phone, and now only communicate via email. I never, ever respond to criticisms or sniping or ‘helpful’ parenting suggestions. Short factual responses on genuine questions related to kids only. It was 100% the right thing to do and he rarely now bothers with the snipey messages, whereas it used to be daily and sometimes many many messages a day.

Stop.The.Phone.Calls. Brief texts only for logistics questions, no other contact. If he calls, don't answer. Text back only required information. Nothing else ever. He messes with your head because you let him. Also, you need to talk to a good trauma counselor. It is obvious from your responses here that you have not moved on, because you continue to let him manipulate you, anger you, frustrate you, etc. A good counselor can help with that.

You’re not rubbish - he is. Sounds like he’s a bit of a narcissist & is punishing you for leaving him. I understand why you spare your DDs feelings, but it’s his behaviour hurting them - you could phrase it diplomatically/factually maybe, but I fully understand why you don’t want to damage their relationship with him. It sounds trite, but you being happy will wind him up the most. If you can, ignore his calls like another poster said & just give basic, dispassionate replies. Good luck, you deserve it 👍🏽

You need to do it to them. He is letting her down and you need her to know that.

Regarding how triggered he gets you, I'd strongly suggest therapy. Haven't rtft but I think you'd benefit massively and they can suggest neutral ways of dealing with him/keeping the kids from getting hurt by proxy. I can see you're just venting and weren't likely to go through with it, but from experience, therapy will help you handle these heavy feelings. It got me through a family thing that was triggering me and the change was hugely helpful.