Do I tell the ex's wife what he's really like?

Let it go. Don't speak to him. Set up arrangements and ignore phone calls. Block him if necessary. He can email. You are happy with someone else, what happened in your other marriage is water under the bridge and is spoiling your life now. Cast it on the waters and forget about it.

Don’t do it but DO work with a coach to help turn this on him. Ie the coat. Let him buy it and then pay him half instead of allowing him the pleasure of denying you money he promised you.

Your ex is a narcissist. You are doing the right thing by not telling the children sadly they will see for themselves one day .
The new wife won’t care and it won’t change anything anyway so it’s a complete waste of time . There are some useful books and online therapist about coparenting with a narcissist. To be clear you are under financial abuse ( now classed as non violent domestic abuse) and post separation abuse . I experienced something very similar for years. It’s frustrating and there are no winners, but stay cool.
I hope you can get some advice and support . There are actually some great things on Instagram if you don’t have the money or resources to see someone regularly who can help. Sorry I know how stressful it is, how much energy it takes up and how much anxiety it causes . He’s a piece of work but remember he is not a happy person . You can be and keep being a great mum by protecting your the kids . Sending love x

I’d have sacked my lawyer the minute they suggested that as an option.

Me too 😂

Yes!

There is no way to spin those answers. I also like

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ok
received
roger that
10-4

Would hundy p be going too far?

I think you need to disassociate. Don't answer the phone in the situations you mentioned, when he's struggling to pick the kids up. Don't engage with him - if he wants to go on about you being a bad mother, or whatever, don't reply to those messages, and if on the phone say, "this conversation isn't productive, goodbye" and hang up.

You need to stop giving him rent-free space in your head. He's able to control and manipulate you at the moment; you can't control his behaviour but you absolutely can disengage.

OP clearly you have big issues if your current husband also thinks you're angry and you have problems with him.

Could you be focusing on this as a bit of a distraction from the issues in your current marriage? (Whether a legal marriage or not)

Honestly @Unknown1111 ^ this.

no phone ever. Text, email and grey rock him

send the kids as planned, let him deal with things as you do.

don’t let him get under your skin, don’t argue with him; don’t engage.

also. Give some thought about age-appropriate truth for your DC. You DONT want them growing up thinking the sun shines out of his backside

the truth will find the dc and you’ll look like a liar.

No need to talk on the phone at all. Text only about contact. Reply with two words maximum.
Will do
No thanks
Thank you
Maybe later etc etc
Stop giving him so much of your headspace time and attention.

And “he tells me im
abusive because im loud and i get angry and i shout.” So from that thread he feels abused and is clearly grey rocking her and refusing to feed the conflict/shouting.

OP, you said that your current marriage is religious only, not legal, and I see that you’ve commented elsewhere about Islamic marriage. You need to finish separating from your current husband and then work with a psychologist who is familiar with your culture. You’ve spoken about your parents and upbringing as well and it sounds like all of these issues are intertwined.

You have got to learn to grey rock him. When he starts, a serene ‘ok’ will piss him off more than anything.

A mad list will play right into his hands.

@Unknown1111 I think it is fine to be honest with your kids, as long as you’re not snarky. And you could always say ‘Daddy realised it was his cold/bug they’d given you last time so it wasn’t a new bug you’d pass on and so collected you anyway’ but going forward you need to reduce contact you have with him somehow. As others have said, text rather than call?

It sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself. You say your current husband is brilliant but that relationship is falling apart too?
It's been years since you divorced exh but you've carried this level of bitterness the whole time. You're wanting to so things to get a reaction rather than live peacefully.
Genuinely, I would look into some therapy to process all of this and find healthy coping mechanisms.

As the second wife hearing you on speaker phone I'd think you crazy.

As your second husband I'd be wondering.

Stop it now!!

email or text only. Move on for the sake of your mental health and your children.

My friend was like you. All four children ended up taking their father's side. Even though the adults knew he was a complete bastard.

Soon enough she'll figure it out. My sisters ex has had a few relationships since they split and sooner or later he behaves as he did with my sister. He's currently on his longest relationship and by all accounts he's not quite as abusive as he was with my sister but certainly controlling with a volatile temper and rules the house.

Arseholes can't hide their true colours for very long but otherwise they are often expert charmers otherwise they wouldn't get away with their other behaviours and whilst they are charming it's hard to get others to see them as anything other than that

He’s needling you and you are responding - don’t.

Don’t ever text something that isn’t straightforward and polite. Don’t argue over text. Don’t argue over small stuff.

essentially grey rock.

right now you’re playing right into his hands

If my husband’s ex sent me the ins and outs of their breakup I’d think she was insane honestly and it wouldn’t do anything but sour my relationship with her, and potentially my stepchildren. I fully understand how galling it must be to see your ex swan about as if he has done no wrong, with a good woman who trusts him - but honestly OP the best thing you can do is get yourself into a place where he no longer bothers you. You have to try and ‘grey rock’ to the point it dissolves any interest or feelings you have for this man. You ended the marriage. It’s done. What you owe yourself and your children is your own peace and sanity, you don’t control him and the fact you are still in a place you want to ‘hurt’ him almost a decade on is worrying.

Don't give him the ammo to show you up to his new wife. He will do that himself in time. Tell your daughter you can't afford the whole cost of the new jacket and to ask him again for his share when she visits with them. He won't like being shown up in front of his new wife, but there you are, he should have paid out as agreed. If he wants to continue to be darling daddy in your daughter's eyes, he'll pay up..

😂😂
Random generator to pick which one

I expect she knows what he’s like, or will do in the future. People don’t really change.
Perhaps write down what he has done wrong and keep hold of it. Having it written down may help and knowing it’s there and you coulD pass it on to his ex in the future if you still feel the same way:

No, don’t reveal stuff from the past. It will reflect badly on you.

But, as from today going forward, stop hiding stuff from the girls. Eg, sorry DD, it will take a bit longer for me to save the full amount for your new coat as dad suddenly can’t afford to pay half.
And, if they ask questions, answer truthfully but not vindictively where you can.

Finally, stop taking his calls. You are enabling him to trigger you. So put a stop to it for everybody’s sake.

@WilfredsPies that’s great advice which has worked for me. I’ve scrubbed the bathroom many a time haha!

Unknown1111 · Today 11:05
I know it would achieve NOTHING she is living a good life with him but I know it will annoy him.

What will annoy him more is treating him as if he doesn’t matter.
He calls— don’t answer.
He badmouths you —- you yawn, say same old same old. Hang up.
Use text or email only.
Don’t engage with him beyond absolute necessity.

Speaking to his current wife ( as I like to refer to my ex husband’s subsequent wives) will achieve nothing except making you look crazy.