Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not forcing my son to have more time with his dad?

38 replies

ProfessorZ · 04/01/2025 09:40

DS is 10. Until 18 months ago, he didn’t stay with his father at all overnight, this was because he was in a house share with 6 other men and he didn’t feel it appropriate, as DS would have had to sleep on a sofa or in his dad’s bed. DS also didn’t want to sleepover there and I did not think it was safe. He also has ASD and didn’t want to be around lots of random people.

We had many years of DS crying when it was his dad’s weekend and not wanting to go.

4 months ago, DS’s dad moved into his own flat. It is one bedroom, and again involves DS sleeping on a sofa or in his dad’s bed. DS is ‘happier’ with this, although says he misses his bedroom at home and having his own space. He still grumbles every time it is his dad’s weekend and he has agreed to stay one night every fortnight.

DS’s dad has today approached me upon picking up DS and said he needs two nights a fortnight as it’s not quality time having one night, and he cannot afford the child maintenance bill and having him 2 nights will reduce his liability. I’m all for him seeing DS more, but DS categorically doesn’t want to stay for more nights, and I don’t think at 10 (or any age really) I should force him.

DS’s dad is a teacher and has just had the lengthy Christmas period. He had DS for one night and did not see him outside of that. I can only think this new suggestion is money motivated to reduce the child maintenance bill, otherwise he would have seen him during the almost 3 weeks we’ve just had off.

DS also got a phone for Christmas and his dad hasn’t phoned or texted him once, again, just adding evidence that I don’t believe this is about their relationship and ‘quality time’.

AIBU to leave it up to DS and not to force him to go for more nights?

OP posts:
Original poster
ProfessorZ · 04/01/2025 14:30

jeaux90 · 04/01/2025 10:09

You need a CAO in place OP if you can.

But no, don't force him, it's not up to you to build the relationship.

What are the benefits of this?

OP posts:
Original poster
ProfessorZ · 04/01/2025 14:29

Thanks for your opinions. I’m asking as I’ve got people in real life who think I should ‘force’ him to spend more time with his dad. Where as I don’t think he should be made to if he doesn’t want to, especially when the main motivation seems to be to reduce maintenance, not to actually be in DS’s best interests.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 04/01/2025 12:22

DS’s dad has today approached me upon picking up DS and said he needs two nights a fortnight as it’s not quality time having one night,
Fair enough, sounds good but...

and he cannot afford the child maintenance bill and having him 2 nights will reduce his liability.
Wow.

I’m all for him seeing DS more, but DS categorically doesn’t want to stay for more nights, and I don’t think at 10 (or any age really) I should force him.
Bearing in mind a judge would take an 11 year olds view into consideration then no you cannot force your child.

DS also got a phone for Christmas and his dad hasn’t phoned or texted him once, / has just had the lengthy Christmas period. He had DS for one night and did not see him outside of that.
Let that sink in.

Cherrysoup · 04/01/2025 11:51

I don’t think it’s appropriate for your ds to spend any overnights with his df given there’s no space for him. I certainly wouldn’t force him.

PierceMorgansChin · 04/01/2025 11:46

He's pathetic to be wanting to see his son more only to pay less maintenance. My daughter is also 10 she is seeing her dad 2 nights, sometimes less. She has her bedroom there. She doesn't like going because she doesn't like her stepmum and stepsibling are in their 20ties, she says she's bored. I make her go, I think at 10 she's not mature enough to make that choice and her dad wants her there. I think their relationship is important. I tell her the older she gets the more agency she will have, but 10 is young. Do you think your son would benefit from spending more time with his dad, now that his house is safer? What about you? You work, you look after your boy, a break could be needed for you?

tilypu · 04/01/2025 11:43

I can absolutely understand why someone would want two nights instead of one, when it's a two hour return journey.

Having said that - he's not exactly demonstrating any real commitment to your son, in any way. He doesn't have the space, he doesn't make an effort to keep in touch outwith his one night per fortnight. The very fact that he mentioned it would reduce his maintenance shows his real motivation.

Honestly, if it was me, I would move mountains to make it happen, if it was what my child wanted. But it's not what he wants. He's old enough to have an opinion, and the only person you will be helping by doing this is your ex. It's a emphatic yanbu from me.

tilypu · 04/01/2025 11:38

@Flipslop you can change your vote by just clicking on the other option

Daleksatemyshed · 04/01/2025 11:35

If he really wanted to see his DS more then he'd see him in the day, he only wants an extra night to save money. It's pretty poor of him to be happy to have three weeks off and not bother at all. When your DC won't go at all it will be his DF fault

Flipslop · 04/01/2025 10:09

ProfessorZ · 04/01/2025 10:00

@pumpkinpillow No.

@Flipslop He lives in London which contributes, however, I have always had to ‘find the money’ for a two bedroom place. I’ve worked until midnight on my business in the past to ensure I’ve got the money to afford a proper bedroom for DS. He’s had 8 years to find somewhere or find the means to have a proper bedroom for DS. He also moans about the commute to collect DS (it’s a one hour drive as I’m in Surrey) and wants me to meet him half way, which I’m absolutely not prepared to do given I do 99% of the parenting.

Hmm yeah sounds like a selfish prick then you’re doing all the right things by providing for your son. All things considered I wouldn’t entertain his request, it’s all geared to suit him and not you or your son. If he was saying he’d use the money to get more suitable housing so that your son would feel more comfortable then maybe but that’s clearly not his plan. Fuck him, selfish prick

jeaux90 · 04/01/2025 10:09

You need a CAO in place OP if you can.

But no, don't force him, it's not up to you to build the relationship.

Original poster
ProfessorZ · 04/01/2025 10:00

@pumpkinpillow No.

@Flipslop He lives in London which contributes, however, I have always had to ‘find the money’ for a two bedroom place. I’ve worked until midnight on my business in the past to ensure I’ve got the money to afford a proper bedroom for DS. He’s had 8 years to find somewhere or find the means to have a proper bedroom for DS. He also moans about the commute to collect DS (it’s a one hour drive as I’m in Surrey) and wants me to meet him half way, which I’m absolutely not prepared to do given I do 99% of the parenting.

OP posts:
Flipslop · 04/01/2025 09:51

Ahh I voted unreasonable by accident there.
i wouldn’t at all be forcing your son to have more time. If his dad was making an effort to see him more in the day etc to build a better bond and make your son more inclined to hi then that would be another conversation but that’s not the case hey.
can you afford to call his bluff on the mow h side as in tell him you’ll declare your son stays 2 nights but actually he will only be staying 1? This will show his true colours if he accepts straight away. Maybe phrase it losely in a ‘how about if we’ and see his reaction. Then whatever the outcome from him you have the option to asses the financial impact and withdraw if you need to, absolutely don’t compromise yourself financially if it will make a dent.
its strange that on a teachers wage he can’t afford more than a one bedroom flat, I know it’s not a huge wage and I don’t know what area you live in but is this another show of him not prioritising your sons needs?

pumpkinpillow · 04/01/2025 09:46

Do you have a Child Arrangement Order?

Swipe left for the next trending thread