Not forcing my son to have more time with his dad?

Or also that dad does all the daytime childcare in the school holds

Would your son be willing to do there and extra night for dinner but not sleep over?

If he wants to reduce his maintenance then would you be prepared to offer to charge the maintenance as if he stayed over one night a week on the condition that he always feeds him dinner and drops him
Home at least one night midweek and also he needs to take on expenses and the hassle for something eg swimming lessons or opticians or dentist

I had it written into our (non-uk) separation order that any contact was with the agreement of the children. I will not damage my relationship with them by forcing them to see their dad.

Early on, I always said that I was open to increased contact, but that it was up to the kids, and I suggested that continued, regular contact would be a good way to get there (it took nearly 2 years for my youngest to agree to see his dad again, and that is with me giving gentle encouragement despite not committing to doing that)

Contact at all costs doesn't benefit the child. If the child finds it inconvenient and uncomfortable, of course he doesn't want to stay longer, and it's up to dad to find a way to change that.

YANBU to leave this entirely in his hands to negotiate with your son, and to make it clear to your son that this is his choice and that you'll support that.

My eldest will be coming up for 10 by the time my ex has a chance of getting out of a house share. I doubt he will want to spend more on getting somewhere with more than one bedroom though (we have 3 children). I won't be forcing my eldest. The younger two will depend on what sort of sleeping set up there is - I won't allow forced bed sharing either with each other (boy/girl) or with their dad by that age either (ie if there is no spare room for the children to sleep in and they have no choice except to share).
I've always said I won't frustrate their relationship with him but I'm not going to go out of my way to facilitate it either especially if it's to what I think is the children's detriment

Agree that a CAO is on no value to the resident parent unless your ex has form for not returning DS.

You can gently encourage your son but I think that if you insist/force your son to go then it will be you that will bear the brunt of his unhappiness. In trying to ensure their closeness you could be breaking your own closeness unfortunately.

Suggest DH and DS do a video call midweek to chat. Encourage regular texting between the two. Suggest DH pays for a cheap travel lodge near you so he can see DS for two days quality time but DS has the option to come home to sleep. Say they need to re bond properly first but if DS wants overnight at his father's place then you will have no objection (sometimes you have to explicitly write this out). Then let DH make the first move as he is the one who wants change. The change in cms will only happen after at least 6 months of solid contact. Let's see how committed this father actually is.

Benefits of a CA0 are that its court ordered. And before the order is put in place CAFCASS will speak to you, the father and in some cases the child and make recommendations to the court
I'm currently going through the process of amending my CAO as my DCs don't want to have such a rigid arrangement forced upon them.
The court so far has said they are old enough to have autonomy as they are 13 and 15 - and I have maintained the same mantra with exH and all court officials that I will not stop them from seeing their father, nor will I force them to if they don't want to.
All a CAO will say is that you must not obstruct what is court ordered x

You've done what you can to explain it to ex and suggest ways to make ds feel more willing to visit. Balls in his court now. If he keeps banging on about it, say no. What's he going to do? Go to court? Sounds like you have plenty of info on how you actually have tried and quite how little ex has tried.

He still doesn't have adequate housing for his 10yr old son, so no i wouldn't be forcing my child with ASD to stay when it is of no benefit to him.
He can step up and make time for his son in the week for a considerable amount of time whilst looking for a 2 bed place and then talk to DS about spending 2 nights with his dad but I wouldn't be bothered about his financial situation, that's his problem to fix not yours and your DSs.

I’d just go back to him and say you’d love to support more time between dad and son so let’s make a plan how we can navigate this with more contact until your son feels more ready to spend the extra night. If he really wants this extra time he will put the effort in and show up as a dad, if he doesn’t then things stay the same. I mean surely the ex could at least invest in a sofa bed for him to sleep on and give your son his bed when he stays over, there seems to be zero consideration for his needs so far 😕
it’s soooo important for kids to feel heard, it’s great you’re putting your sons feelings first.
have you asked your son if he has any thoughts on what might make things easier to stay an extra night?

"Ds is content with one night per week. If and when your circumstances change and he can have his own proper space to sleep, he may feel inclined to visit more"

It's up to his Dad to make the effort to build the relationship and accommodate his DS needs so that he feels comfortable to stay longer and want to go. That's what I would put in writing to your ex.

You are happy to encourage DS and facilitate more phone/facetime and contact but you will not force him.

The OP has carried the financial burden of raising her son, housing him etc full time whilst the dad (a teacher, so not skint!) Lived in a houseshare meaning he couldn't share that burden. He then moved out but still into a home unsuitable for housing his son.

Taking him to bloody Burger King once a week doesn't necessitate a reduction in maintenance, when OP is paying 100% of the gas, elec, water, Internet, mortgage/rent, school costs, games, toys, food, trips, clothing. Yes she gets CMS towards that, but its only an amount based on what the dad should be having him overnight (but can't due to his own situation he made) and what he is (the barest of bare minimum and unenjoyable for his son).

Do you really think that the CMS he pays is likely to cover 50% of DS’s costs? Even with 2 days out of 14 taken into account - which is realistically lunch & tea on Saturday, then breakfast & lunch on Sunday. He hasn’t even got the extra costs involved in having a 2 bedroom place.

I would also say that my ex experienced the opposite, his mother alienated him, ran his dad down and he stopped wanting to see his dad (ex can't remember as he was so young) his dad excepted this over time and contact ceased, he now knows the truth was much more complicated and his dad did want him just the system gave his mum majority custody and ex didn't cope with transitions hence not wanting to switch, he deeply regrets not being made to see his dad

Why has he chose to move into a home too small for his family? He has a 10yo son. He should've chosen a home with a room for his son.

I get what you are saying about forcing a child, but I also can't help thinking that the dad isn't the only money orientated person here, he could definitely spend more days with his son but it seems you are counting nights for cms by the book and what the betting there's more to the story. The sensible solution is dad spends more days with his son and you privately come to an arrangement to reduce sms a bit to reflect hes entertaining and feeding him even if he's not staying overnight.

You’re his mum, you know what’s best for him x

Not in your best interests as you already have the set up you want and DS is almost a tween. It's not even really about certainty as it just says when his dad can have him but in reality he still doesn't have to have him them.

It's tough decision to make, but his dad's actions say to me he's not genuinely interested in seeing his son more. Two nights especially with the drive makes sense, but DS doesn't want it and his dad has never really been an involved dad and he doesn't actually seem that interested in seeing him more. My kids dad couldn't be bothered setting messenger up so he can talk to our younger kids, but he does at least text with our eldest who has a phone. I can't understand either attitude, my ex will only communicate if it's made easy for him, but yours can't even be bothered to do it when it's easy.

Yes if he has him 2 overnights he will be paying less

I dont know how the legalities of child maintenance work re overnights, but would him having him for 2 night actually mean he paid less? Surely the only cost he would be covering extra is feeding him for a day, surely for maintenance to be reduced he needs to be covering more of his sons expenses directly, ie if he had 50/50 care and paid for clothes/shoes and any activities ir clubs he goes to on bi's weeks, that kind of thing.
Would it actually be reduced purely on an overnight stay?

If your ex wants more then he needs to initiate and get a CAO.

It's if no benefit to you as it just means you have times and days to make your DS available but he can still not bother to turn up and try and return early.