DS wants to charge

Is he not considering that performing at the do could be his birthday gift to his parents and save him paying out on buying a gift(s) ?

Assuming you're still providing financial support for him at Uni, you could pay the fee but then deduct an amount equating to his share of it (1/4 if his band has 4 members) from the financial support you provide this term.

If he is dependent on band earnings + your financial support however this will leave him short.

out of interest, has he offered a "family & friends discount rate" for his band's performance at your birthday bash ?

Very much agree with all of this. Separate the two issues.

The band: If you enjoy the music of his band you should offer to pay him as part of hiring entertainment. If you only wanted the band because he is your son and don't really care for the music look for another band. Personally I don't like the idea of expecting mates rates / f&f discounts as you should supported loved ones rather than trying to get a discount or freebie, but it's nice when offered.

A conversation is needed about showing you and your husband some thought and giving back rather than just taking. I'm shocked he never bought you both a Christmas Present, even as a skint student a token gift would have been affordable, it's about the thought not the gift isn't it.

He’d be working and anyway, who could be bothered to give this any thought really, just pay him.

I was going to say 'of course he should be proud to play for his parents for free' but this post almost made me change my mind! As a freelancer myself the suggestion that I or anyone else should be pleased to work for free 'for the exposure' gives me the absolute rage!!!! Do your employers ask for the odd unpaid day in return for - I don't know, a boost on LinkedIn? I bet they bloody don't!!!

But yeah, I'd be disappointed my kid wanted paying for this. I'd probably pay him, but I'd have to let him know I was sad he'd asked.

I think the most you could expect is 'mates rates' for a band. I think it would be weird to pay the rest of the band something but not your DS.

They are probably skint students that need the cash so also unfair to say you would be upset if they played another gig who would pay them.

Are they actually any good and play the sort of music you would like at your party? Great live party bands cost £££££.

I think you are conflating lots of different things here which is unfair on your DS.

If you really want a cheap party get a speaker and a play list, keep your DS's band out of it.

She literally said: “ Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all “

Yeah I agree. My DSs immediate family would offer to pay but he'd say no. He is very family orientated and where possible he would give up a nights work to attend the party anyway.

I'm wondering if he did normally buy you birthday presents whether you would not also have expected him to perform for free? I guess a present would likely cost less than his share of the fee, but you'd be happy that he had been thoughtful?

At 20 he is still dependent on you in many ways and is also trying to make money / make his way as a musician. This is far removed from a well established older professional who wouldn't dream of expecting family members to pay.

I think the lack of presents / reciprocation is your main issue. He sees you as the provider and himself as the recipient. It's sad, but maybe there are ways you can teach him a lesson - not in relation to the party, keep that separate - but are there services / expectations you could drop, giving your own reasons for doing so (lifts, being asked to do something on his behalf etc), to help him understand you are not simply at his beck and call?

Paying him for the gig is a tricky one but ultimately, you'd hope he would have offered as you're his parents and have put him through uni. Especially as he doesn't even buy you a box of chocolates for Christmas!
Perfoming at your party would I presume, expose him and his band to a wide audience and as they're uni students, you'd think that he'd be happy with that!
I'd be tempted to present him with an itemised bill of all you do for him but that probably wouldn't go down well!!! Entitled little bugger

Yeah I can see this, like I said DS would do it for free but we would still give him something. He wouldn't expect it though. DS only earns well from it as he gigs constantly and does solo work, as a band he couldn't earn enough from it.

A big party usually leads to other bookings but obviously that depends on the type of music they do and whether they are actually good.

I can see it from both sides for sure.

Hopefully if you are like OP’s son and are funded by your parents and get everyone else presents but not them, then your parents also tell you where to go when you ask them for a favour.

Is the band out gigging on a regular basis?

Would they be giving up a paid gig to play at your party?

If my parents wanted to pay the rest of my band but not me I'd tell them where to go!

I like it!

I do agree that people in creative industries are often exploited- it's undeniable.

But in this specific context, that's not really the issue. It is in his power to thank/help out his parents at no real cost to himself but has chosen not to (yes, loss of revenue is a cost, however he would presumably be attending his parents' party and so would not be earning that evening regardless). That is hurtful.

In my immediate family, professional services (both creative and not) are gladly provided to each other with no expectation of payment, we're just happy to save each other money and help out where we can.

They are professionals and it their only job must be earning well from it.
This is a student in an industry that’s hard to make into a career unless you’re incredible, have contacts or luck.
He’s likely to get lots of knocks so wouldn’t it be nice if his parents showed they valued his talents and paid. I doubt this gig will lead to more booking from the OP’s likely older friends.

Maybe read all of the OPs replies on this thread, @pensionsums He is a selfish freeloader who has never once bought his parents a birthday present or a Christmas present. And you accuse OP of being stingy? !!

Am I the only one imagining someone like the late Marquis of Bath with his natty waistcoats and mad hair being hired to turn up to the Op's party?

I do think there's a "thing" that family who play instruments or play in a band are expected to turn up and play for free to family events, and I don't think that's really fair. You can't really expect that, because how would he and his bandmates divvy up the fee?

The gift giving is a separate issue, and one you should have addressed long ago.

If money isn’t an object I would expect to pay going rate. If money is an issue I would expect to pay mates rates.

Unless your son is loaded & assuming he’s a hard worker elsewhere.

This must be a topic that's much-discussed by student musicians. Perhaps his attitude comes from a general Don't Ever Do Freebies approach.
Can you make it clear that you had hoped he would be happy to do it for your joint birthdays almost as a gift? But that you are happy to find an alternative band if he'd rather just socialise at the event.

I'm don't agree @myslippersarepink. I have a DD and a DS and have raised them the same, I've been very clear on gift expectations. My DD is amazing, my DS tries to get away with getting others to get his gifts and doesnt want to do the thinking. IMO this seems to be another man problem. They're great at buying for themselves, sorting out trips for themselves but can't be bothered when it comes to others - yet expect others to get them great gifts! Not in my house.

Are they as good as someone else you would have hired?

Lots of my family members are professional musicians, my son is also. He isn't a 3rd year student, it's his job and he would never charge his immediate family. That is only my parents and his aunt/uncle and us. Everyone else is charged. If on his own he'd do it for free as he would be giving up a paid gig to attend anyway (all of us would usually give him something anyway but not full rate, he wouldn't expect anything). If with his band he would do it for free and we'd pay the rest of the people (who would probably do it for free anyway but we'd never expect that)

He always charges friends and more distant family, sometimes slightly reduced rate but he has to earn a living.

But you would pay the band as whole and then they split the payment depending on their own arrangements.