DS wants to charge

If it was just him you might have a good point. How well do you know his band members? Should they also give up an evening to do their job for free?

What is “at cost” for a musician though?
Is it free because he is just standing up there and playing or do you try and calculate the cost of travel, maintaining the instrument, speaker hire, hours of time in rehearsal to learn the required/requested songs? It gets a bit murky, which is why creatives tend to be undervalued as us non-creatives struggle with the lack of tangible resources we’d expect to pay for eg. paying for oil and parts but not time to service the car at a mechanic.

Parenting isn't an industry
It's a commitment you take up when you chose to have a children

@AnotherCrazyCatLady People in the creative industries are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

People in the parenting industry are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

The key word in your response is ‘someone’ That someone is her son.

I think your attitude is hugely indicative of today’s society…that no matter what someone has done for you, you owe them nothing…not even a small £3.00 token gift on their birthday or Christmas.

Do you think his attitude will change when his parents are elderly and maybe one has passed? It will still be “but why should I visit them? Why should I help them? That’s not fair on me”

All British family values (not all but most) have been lost. Family means nothing anymore and if people like you wouldn’t help a family member, a poor old lonely neighbour had no chance.

I work in a multicultural school, and I see a vast difference with how different cultures care for family members. Sadly British families are in the minority when it comes to caring for parents and grandparents. Absolutely NOT ALL British families are like this, but many are.

@Summerlilly

Well from your response, I can see I have clearly touched a very raw nerve.

Yep! Keep on putting in those barriers that means young people don’t need to give a fuck about anyone but themselves boundaries with your family.

As a parent, OP has modelled generous gift giving and facilitated this by giving her children a generous allowance in order to do so. He DS is generous with gifts for his sister and friends but doesn't include his parents in this select group.

It's more difficult to complain about a lack of generosity towards oneself than towards others and OP would probably get the same reaction as on here about the music for her party, i.e. that she is mean and entitled and children don't owe their parents anything.

As a parent, OP has modelled generous gift giving and facilitated this by giving her children a generous allowance in order to do so. He DS is generous with gifts for his sister and friends but doesn't include his parents in this select group.

It's more difficult to complain about a lack of generosity towards oneself than towards others and OP would probably get the same reaction as on here about the music for her party, i.e. that she is mean and entitled and children don't owe their parents anything.

But as @ChannelFiveDrama says, it’s the parent’s job to shape who we are. Spoilt, entitled adults are usually made not just appeared overnight. I also supported my son through uni, have helped it out financially etc which is not easy as a single parent, but he is not the slightest bit entitled.

I would have paid his band as a band not as individuals.

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see). This is just something that occurred to me this Christmas when a friend asked me what he'd bought me. I don't expect lavish gifts, but a book or a box of chocolates wouldn't be beyond his resources.

I'm hoping he'll eventually see us as separate people from himself with our own feelings. At the moment, it appears we are cash-machines in his eyes. He takes but never gives.

Jesus fucking Christ that is actually the most pathetic leap I’ve ever read.
Christmas gifts are completely unrelated to this post, there’s clearly a back story here that he doesn’t have a positive relationship with his parents. Honestly both the Op and her DS sound as entitled as each other.
Same with “Caring for the elderly” they are completely unrelated. Also don’t tell me what I do for my family, you don’t know me.

Why does he have to work at this party while everyone else gets to celebrate and he doesn’t get paid? Also the Op doesn’t state that she told her DS that she would be paying band, he was most likely putting in his boundaries, are people not allowed to have those anymore? Or is it selfish to have boundaries now

But if you're a music student being paid for any gigs, you ARE a professional! 🙄

The key word in your response is ‘someone’ That someone is her son.

I think your attitude is hugely indicative of today’s society…that no matter what someone has done for you, you owe them nothing…not even a small £3.00 token gift on their birthday or Christmas.

Do you think his attitude will change when his parents are elderly and maybe one has passed? It will still be “but why should I visit them? Why should I help them? That’s not fair on me”

All British family values (not all but most) have been lost. Family means nothing anymore and if people like you wouldn’t help a family member, a poor old lonely neighbour had no chance.

I work in a multicultural school, and I see a vast difference with how different cultures care for family members. Sadly British families are in the minority when it comes to caring for parents and grandparents. Absolutely NOT ALL British families are like this, but many are.

They did teach and model it, it says so in her post. However, and quite rightly, they stepped back from this when he reached teens and had his own allowance (still their money) as they felt it was something he should do willingly, having had it modelled to him for years. Hd didn’t !!

Re gifts: Yes, when the children were young we would help pick out (and pay for) a present for the other parent, but as they entered teens and had their own money (allowance from us) we stepped back from this hoping generosity was instilled, which it is - as I said he buys gifts for his friends.
I sort of feel like he still sees us as the "providers", and he as our "dependent" and he hasn't caught up with how the relationship has evolved as he's grown.
I have hesitated to have the conversation re gifts as it rather defeats the point to ask for a gift but maybe I could get an auntie or friend to mention it and see if the penny drops.
That's separate from the party/band/payment question of course, although springing from the same attitude I think.

It's not, it's a wake up conversation about him giving a little back when it won't actually cost him a thing.

I have a child at university, who we subsidise considerably and are happy to do so. He would NEVER behave like this. Never. Because he appreciates everything we do for him.

Re gifts: Yes, when the children were young we would help pick out (and pay for) a present for the other parent, but as they entered teens and had their own money (allowance from us) we stepped back from this hoping generosity was instilled, which it is - as I said he buys gifts for his friends.
I sort of feel like he still sees us as the "providers", and he as our "dependent" and he hasn't caught up with how the relationship has evolved as he's grown.
I have hesitated to have the conversation re gifts as it rather defeats the point to ask for a gift but maybe I could get an auntie or friend to mention it and see if the penny drops.
That's separate from the party/band/payment question of course, although springing from the same attitude I think.