DS wants to charge

To treat/thank/celebrate (delete as appropriate) the parents who lovingly support him perhaps?

So your advice is to do...nothing?

I can't believe he's never bought you or his dad a birthday or Xmas present. That is mind bogglingly selfish and you should have taken him to task over that years ago.

With my dcs I would expect the conversation to go-
Me - of course we'll pay you
Son - don't be silly, just pay the others not me

And yet that's not the aspect op focussed on.

Hallelujah! Someone has recognised it. Only a few others have ☺️

I am so glad someone else thought it too 😂

I can't believe you've so vastly missed the point here.

I can’t believe you don’t want to pay him. He’s not your personal performing monkey. Terrible.

It sounds like the son didn’t give OP the opportunity to offer to pay before he asked to be paid. I suspect it was the fact that his first response was to ask for money that upset her, and she would probably have discussed paying him otherwise.

How were you planning on paying the non-related band members?

It's exactly the same, though.

They're both jobs. It's clear that you don't see being a musician as a job, though, which it absolutely is.

So many people have this attitude with regards to people in the creative space. "Oh, just play this gig for free...it'll be good exposure," because really, whilst they want and enjoy the services, they don't value it as actual work like they would a self-employed labourer or someone else. Instead, it's viewed as a hobby and perceived on that basis as being something "fun" for the person to be doing rather than something that is real work.

@CompleteOvaryAction. It's not just me who has had to deal with it, my DD (who is older than him has had enough of it).

I am very vocal in my house about the ridiculousness of boy and girl jobs and the things women are just expected to do. This year he again left present giving to the last minute and asked what he should get his sister - it was code for 'what have you got in your present stash I can use'. I told him to look at her list, he was still dithering and I did then give him some ideas (because I wanted her to have a lovely gift, she's very thoughtful) but he hadn't to go and buy and wrap. I told him, again, it wasn't good enough. My DH bailed him out with my gift and I told him on opening that it was disappointing he hadn't done the thinking or looked at my list and bought. I don't care if this makes me ungrateful it's just not good enough and I'm determined to try and highlight these things so he thinks about others and is a good partner.

I'll be honest, it is ongoing in many areas - me having to ask for chores to done and then them being done in his own time. It's like training a dog, you have to be consistent and keep repeating it I think. Also I have stopped doing many things, I'm not a bloody servant and no, I don't know where xyz is!!!

It isn't his livelihood though, is it? Not yet at least. He's a student.

I do agree with your general point about creative work sometimes being undervalued - but I think you're projecting a bit here. DH is a writer but he still reads anything from a CV to a eulogy to a Masters dissertation for close friends and family because, you know, they're close friends or family...

Isn’t that always the way though? Anytime when women’s work being undervalued is mentioned, it’s always dismissed as a ‘another matter’.

The time to address this is now. He wants to be treated like an adult and paid so he can support himself like an adult.

Hire someone else.

I'd put money on him stiffing you at the last minute if he gets a better offer so no point risking the relationship.

Not just you 😂

The difference being that this is his livelihood, and he is rightly protecting that. There is a huge issue with people in creating jobs where their time/skill etc is hugely undervalued, and people expecting freebies is a big part of that.

Any problems OP has with presents and all that other stuff is another matter.

The fact that OP has supported him through his degree is irrelevant. Countless parents do that and expect nothing in return. It's part of the deal of being a parent.

Why should the kid play for free? He misses out on a party, there will be costs involved transporting gear and time required for planning set lists and rehersing, plus I can guarantee the next time a party comes up it'll be "oh, but you did it for free last time".

If I were him the deal would be to get paid or not play. Like I said, good on him for valuing his time.

All the time and work which has been enabled, supported and paid for.by those same parents he now wants money from for performing @Magnastorm 😂

Yep @Magnastorm good for you however remember when the DS wants help from his parents fixing his car, doing childcare, cooking etc he will then need to pay. Womens work is the least valued in society so perhaps we should all just start charging for every little thing we do?

That's a sure way for society to fall apart, in fact as we have started to see. Everything is about money and being paid - the DS knows the price if everything and the value of nothing.

This. In principal i would refuse to pay him. You do family favours. , especially when they have supported you!

As someone who has worked in the creative world, I learnt very quickly not to work for mate's rates or "exposure" for anyone. Freebies and exposure don't pay the bills, and are lines which are always trotted out by cheapskates who don't value creative work,. If you give an inch once you can absolutely bet the next time it'll be "oh, but you did it for free/ half price last time for xyz".

Good on the kid for placing a price on his time and all the work that has gone into being capable of getting up on stage and performing.

To do something nice for his parents, who are celebrating a big birthday perhaps?

I don't think many (any?) Posters would have had an issue if the DS had said he'd prefer not to perform because he wanted to celebrate with his parents, but to jump straight to 'I'd need to be paid' . Do people really have that kind of relationship with their parents?? I'm so glad I don't.

No way would I be paying him. Get someone else. Very selfish and disappointing of him, yes.

Unless they are specifically marketing themselves as a function band then this kind of “exposure” means nothing.

it’s not likely to be their target audience & very unlikely to get them future bookings.

the set my son’s band played at a family wedding was completely different to their normal set and required a lot of work.