DS wants to charge

Ah come on, getting a paying gig is a big deal! And if you're paying the rest of the band it's just mean.

I think you need to pay the band as a whole, or none of them. It depends if they usually get booked for paying gigs and how willing the other band members are. I don't think you can pay the other band members though and not him. It's probably better to just get another band and avoid the problem altogether.

No you should pay him too, he's part of the band. If you'd spent the money on kit and lessons for him because he was good at a particular sport rather than music related you wouldn't be able to consider a freebie like this.
You've soured things between you now, might as well go and hire an established professional band who charge MU rates, have him sat there purely as a guest and people wondering why his band weren't asked to play.

Musicians are always being expected to play for "exposure" or free drinks rather than actual money which pays, you know, bills and expenses.

I think you're being very tight claiming a freebie from him and possibly uttering the immortal words "after all I've done for you" your son is absolutely right to be standing his ground. I hope modern music colleges actually give some coaching these days on how to deal with people wanting freebies.

Whichever band you use, I hope they'll be getting the same food as your guests rather than curled up sandwiches in a dusty cupboard round the back somewhere.
Your post and attitude indicates your party might well find its way on to a gigs from hell page somewhere in the internet...

So…you’re saying he can’t earn any money that night, either by playing at your party, or by taking a paid gig? You wont be hiring him. If you hire someone, you pay them for whatever they’re doing for you.

I think the way it would play out in our family is us offering to pay him to perform, him saying no, that’s fine, and us giving him something anyway! Presumably you are better off financially than he is?

This screams of influencers 'give me stiff for free for exposure'

Why would you expect your son to work for free? This is his job, just because it's within the creative industry doesn't make it less so!

Your son is right but then that gives you the option of going elsewhere. It’s nice to get a family discount but it should not be expected - especially when his mates are being paid full whack.

YABU. Pay none or all.

No I get that. But so what? OP shouldn’t muddy the relationship.

If he wad a brickie or a sparky or similar would you expect him to do work for you for free?

Surely you just pay them a fee as a band? It's then between themselves to divvy it out. That would be exactly what they would receive at any other gig.

@pikkumyy77 the chances are that as a third year music student with his own band he is a “professional” in that he is getting paid for gigs he does.

OP, surely the band has a set rate not a price per band member. I think, given the fairly lavish nature of your party, you are being a bit cheap by essentially wanting to discount the fee pro rata. I am not saying you are wholly unreasonable to have asked him to perform for free, but I think you are unreasonable to push the issue. Presumably he needs the money?

Yanbu. I cant imagine trying to charge my parents at a big special birthday party. He sounds quite entitled.
As you've said, he isnt losing out on otherwise making money as he would be there as a guest (hopefully).
I would tell him if you're paying pro rates you'll find someone else rather than a student band.

Maybe he'd prefer to enjoy the party rather than work? I agree it's kind of down to him to offer really.

It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him.
There’s something off about this statement - it has been your choice to fund him, for most parents of means it is almost an expectation/part of parenting that you would fund him, it downplays any of his own efforts, work, achievements and solely gives credit to you.

Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time.
You clearly expect payback - perhaps it’s unconsciously thought, but you do have expectations.

As an aside, have you even asked him if he’d rather be a guest at the party or did you assume he’d be happy to work at the party? Because it is work. Too often people in creative fields are expected to perform/create for free as it is not respected in the same way other professions are. If he is going to make a career out of this then he needs to charge for his services and should start as he means to go on.

Pay him. It is not fair to suddenly start calling in markers that he didn’t know existed eg. We paid for x therefore you owe us y.

It’s on him to offer, not on you to demand. If he wants to play as his gift or contribution to the party, great. If not, I’d get a DJ instead.

I would just hire someone else. You don’t charge your parents.

If you've funded him through his music degree at uni, fuck that. He's a right cheeky twat to ask.

to give you an idea Ds is a 2nd year music student & currently earning £700 per week playing for panto.

Get a DJ.

I'd get someone else to play, and feel disappointed in my son. Send him the lyrics of that old country song 'No Charge'. Seriously, I'd cover all his band's expenses with a friendly bit on top for each of them but not full whack. What would you think if it was another band member's family do? I'd be saying 'Nigel, you can't charge Derek's parents!'

I wouldn't be surprised if some of the other band members are expecting to do it for free. Unless as PP says they're passing up a paid gig to be there for you.

He sounds ungrateful tbh.

I think if you are paying his band mates you can't really not pay him. He's a bit silly really because he's going to get a lot of exposure from doing that. Is he usually a bit selfish?

It is ungrateful of him. I wouldn’t want to fall out over it though

We have always paid Ds when his band have played at family functions. Not quite the going rate of. Function band, but a good rate.

Usually he will have turned down other paid work to do it, plus he’s a student. He needs money. He and his band also have to pay for PAT testing & public liability.