DS wants to charge

Yes, I read that. And if he'd offered his band's services I'd have less sympathy with him asking for some cash.

But he didn't; OP has asked his band to work at their event. So they need to pay the band's fee. Have you ever heard of band members getting paid individually for a gig? I've not.

They're a student band ffs, not Oasis. We're probably only talking a couple of hundred quid! They're not going to get any decent entertainment for less.

Absolutely not unreasonable, how odd of him to expect you to pay him! To be honest, I'm assuming that by asking him you're just being nice and wanting to show off how proud you are and give him an opportunity to perform, rather than him legitimately being your first choice of paid entertainment?!

My parents use my professional services for 2 hours every 4-6 weeks religiously, and have done for 8 years, and will continue to do so. I wouldn't even dream of charging them! We often joke and they will say something like 'add it to my tab,' or something, but it's entirely said in jest, we never even discussed payment, it was just assumed both ways that payment wouldn't be expected!

But it’s also what creates family rifts. Like my dad who did free work for his mum for years and siblings who did nothing - it was always just expected and never appreciated. I’ve done free work for family as well but my siblings don’t work in an industry where they can offer any work for free - again it’s created a lot of tension. Not paying him is money directly out of his pocket, is his sister going to have the same money taken away from her? Or is she just going to enjoy the party at no cost to her?

My husband is a professional musician. He fell into this trap while at university. An uncle’s wedding here, a friend’s wedding there, a mate’s party, someone’s funeral…Aside from the thousand pounds of work he’d done for free, there’s also the singling out as not a proper guest. You don’t get to join in. You’re the entertainment, you’re not relaxing with everyone else. (For a start, you’ve had to stay sober so you can play.)

If he’s a guest, then he shouldn’t be expected to entertain. If he’s the entertainment, then he should be fairly paid.

The bandmates will be paid, so not paying her own son seems very strange.
IF it was just her son playing, fair enough, but to pay some people, and not him creates a weird dynamic.

Hence why I paid my own son when he was working just as hard as a tradesman..had it just been son and me , I'd probably not have paid as much.

He sounds like a spoilt 5 year old “That's not fair on me”

Shocking thst you get no gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I’d be so hurt !

@oakleaffy That makes sense, but this is a special joint birthday party. It would be nice to offer to play as his gift to them.

Did you see OP's post where she says she's done free work for friends and family. This is what normal families do.

I agree..My son helped do work on my house, alongside a paid Tradesman.
He wasn't expecting to be paid, but 'I paid him the same day rate as the tradesman as it was hot, sweaty dirty horrid work in a heatwave!{Replacing a ceiling in an old house}

If you are paying the band then you should be paying him too. If you insist on being this way then don’t have DS band there at all and hire another band. Quite why you think it’s ok to pay the band and not your son is beyond me. They come as “ a band” so pay them ALL.

I doubt all these “I’d never charge my parents” comments aren’t from people in creative industries. It’s completely standard to charge for creative work, no one would scrape a living if they did anything for free. He’ll have had it drilled into him at uni as well. Not buying you Xmas presents OP is completely separate. Does his sister work in a profession where you’ll also be expecting free work from her?

As to the actual state of play, in your shoes I would drop the idea and firmly, immovably hire other music. Sit back and contemplate your son's sense of entitlement.

💯

@PeppyGreenFinch Yes, I bought my parents gifts from my teens onwards, really pushed the boat out a couple of times and I’m glad that I did, because Mum died in my 20’s. He needs a reality check, he’s lucky to have two supportive parents.

How can he have got to his early 20s before you have noticed he is inherently selfish?

As to the original question, no I don't think yabu.

wrong post. deleted.

She’s been putting it in her pocket for three years. He’s being an entitled dick!

Weird logic. OP has funded him for 3 years through uni. Maybe an ideal opportunity to say thanks mum and dad for all your support and encouragement through the years.

Tell him that when children become adults, gifts and favours become reciprocal.

No more gifts or favours for him until he treats you as well as the other people in his life.

No it isn’t! It’s expecting that he’d actually think how lucky he’s been and want to give something back. Too many people encouraging fucking selfish entitled kids!

I'm on your side OP. I can't imagine charging my parents for professional services in any circumstances.

But it's one of those things where the damage is done now surely? It's not that you don't want to pay him I imagine, it's that you want him to value your relationship enough that he wouldn't dream of having asked for payment? Maybe even put a bit of effort in for your special birthdays into learning a song you guys love or something! He's clearly not in that mindset and him performing for free begrudgingly wouldn't work for me.

Hopefully he'll become less self centred with time and willing to give more to you guys - if he's still at uni he is still young.

I'd make it clear that you find this attitude hurtful but that you understand and will pick another band.

She's already funding him through third year university.

Exactly this!!!

FFS, OP has already said she'd pay the bandmates. Repeatedly said so.

I would either hire another band or do without.

I’m taken aback that he’s expecting payment, I’d never charge my parents. Fair enough to pay the rest of the band, but he’s not being v. nice, tbh.