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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS wants to charge

559 replies

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

OP posts:
Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:43

user1492757084 · 04/01/2025 01:34

We were privileged to pay full asking price to our god daughter when she played music at a party for my daughter.

You already have the advantage of getting the band.

I would never ask for a financial discount or favour.
I would pay what is asked and throw in some chocolates.

@user1492757084

and this is exactly why young people are becoming more and more selfish, entitled and plain fucking grabby!!!

BurgundyBear · 04/01/2025 01:43

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 01:05

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see). This is just something that occurred to me this Christmas when a friend asked me what he'd bought me. I don't expect lavish gifts, but a book or a box of chocolates wouldn't be beyond his resources.

I'm hoping he'll eventually see us as separate people from himself with our own feelings. At the moment, it appears we are cash-machines in his eyes. He takes but never gives.

I’d pay ‘mates rates’ for the birthday gig.
But never buying you or his Dad a birthday or Xmas present is just not on. Why haven’t you raised this years ago? Even a token gift would be expected.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:43

GrannyRose15 · 04/01/2025 01:41

You want him to get on in life and become a professional musician, don’t you? Well this is showing you that he has what it takes. Amateurs give mates rates, professionals know how much they are worth.

They are worth 3 years of University fees so can perhaps give a little back?

Also what a load of shit. Every major artist has done something for free at one time or another. Sounds like the kind of wanky waffle you hear from a mediocre TED talk

GrannyRose15 · 04/01/2025 01:41

You want him to get on in life and become a professional musician, don’t you? Well this is showing you that he has what it takes. Amateurs give mates rates, professionals know how much they are worth.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:41

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:39

@AnotherCrazyCatLady People in the creative industries are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

People in the parenting industry are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

Show quote history

I love this response!

Guest100 · 04/01/2025 01:40

I agree that people shouldn’t give away services for free, but a kid that’s parents have just put him through uni should absolutely not expect payment. But not his band, if you want the entire band you pay the going rate.
DS isn’t horrible and selfish, he is still young and doesn’t have a fully developed brain yet.
In this case I would just hire someone else.

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:40

misunderstoodmetoo · 04/01/2025 01:34

I agree the bandmates do add complexity. And OP might well have concluded that she wouldn't want her son 'working' for free and his friends getting paid.

I actually think the best thing to have happened from an etiquette perspective would be for OP to have asked for her son's rate, her son would have insisted 'absolutely no chance you're paying, you're my parents this is my gift to you' and then OP would have been v grateful and would probably have treated him somehow to thank him. This kind of polite off is what generally happens with my family/friends where there is mates rates involved.

But the son made that an impossibility because he jumped in immediately with 'you'll have to pay me', which is just such an ungracious thing to say to your parents IMO.

I was initially ''you should pay him''...but then, when he is being expensively supported, and doesn't even buy his mum a box of chocolates or book, it does seem like he is being rather tight and 'greedy'.

My son and I had it really tight financially, after his dad left {I had mortgage on my own then} but son always bought me something with his own pocket money, which I treasure. {He's an adult now}.

Spoiling can create kids who are quite grabby.

PennyApril54 · 04/01/2025 01:40

I think you could suggest him playing is his gift?

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:39

AnotherCrazyCatLady · 04/01/2025 01:34

I voted YABU.

People in the creative industries are constantly expected to provide their labour for free. If he is providing the entertainment at your party he will not be able to enjoy it in the usual way, and it's not unreasonable for his starting point to be that he will be charging for his services. If that is not acceptable to you then you can hire someone else.

You mention he is generous with others but not with you, so that suggests he cares for and is cognisant of the position of others. If you would like him to be more generous with you, then I'd suggest you have a conversation with him about this. Perhaps he is unaware that this matters to you and/or that he comes across as viewing you as a 'cash machine'. (Also, if you don't want to be treated like a cash machine, don't act like one - he is spoilt only to the extent you spoil him. If he doesn't act like he appreciates your generosity, then let him know.)

@AnotherCrazyCatLady People in the creative industries are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

People in the parenting industry are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:38

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:33

@CompleteOvaryAction

Play him this... a very old song someone referred to on here when dealing with a greedy son!

Absolutely love this and so damn true ❤️

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2025 01:37

"Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see)."

Oof. That's crap of him.

I'd hire another band and if he queried it just say that you thought about it and you'd like him to be able to be a guest instead.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:36

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:36

🤣 {I was married to a musician years ago}

Show quote history

And did he not take a cut of what they made?

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:36

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:30

Have you ever heard of band members getting paid individually for a gig? I've not.

Of course they do! They don’t have a joint bank account as a band do they. They split the money between them. It’s not hard, it’s basic maths to figure it out

🤣 {I was married to a musician years ago}

DressOrSkirt · 04/01/2025 01:35

I'm surprised so many people think their children shouldn't be paid for work. Of course you should pay him!

misunderstoodmetoo · 04/01/2025 01:34

I agree the bandmates do add complexity. And OP might well have concluded that she wouldn't want her son 'working' for free and his friends getting paid.

I actually think the best thing to have happened from an etiquette perspective would be for OP to have asked for her son's rate, her son would have insisted 'absolutely no chance you're paying, you're my parents this is my gift to you' and then OP would have been v grateful and would probably have treated him somehow to thank him. This kind of polite off is what generally happens with my family/friends where there is mates rates involved.

But the son made that an impossibility because he jumped in immediately with 'you'll have to pay me', which is just such an ungracious thing to say to your parents IMO.

AnotherCrazyCatLady · 04/01/2025 01:34

I voted YABU.

People in the creative industries are constantly expected to provide their labour for free. If he is providing the entertainment at your party he will not be able to enjoy it in the usual way, and it's not unreasonable for his starting point to be that he will be charging for his services. If that is not acceptable to you then you can hire someone else.

You mention he is generous with others but not with you, so that suggests he cares for and is cognisant of the position of others. If you would like him to be more generous with you, then I'd suggest you have a conversation with him about this. Perhaps he is unaware that this matters to you and/or that he comes across as viewing you as a 'cash machine'. (Also, if you don't want to be treated like a cash machine, don't act like one - he is spoilt only to the extent you spoil him. If he doesn't act like he appreciates your generosity, then let him know.)

user1492757084 · 04/01/2025 01:34

We were privileged to pay full asking price to our god daughter when she played music at a party for my daughter.

You already have the advantage of getting the band.

I would never ask for a financial discount or favour.
I would pay what is asked and throw in some chocolates.

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:33

@CompleteOvaryAction

Play him this... a very old song someone referred to on here when dealing with a greedy son!

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:32

AConcernedCitizen · 04/01/2025 01:29

Yes, I read that. And if he'd offered his band's services I'd have less sympathy with him asking for some cash.

But he didn't; OP has asked his band to work at their event. So they need to pay the band's fee. Have you ever heard of band members getting paid individually for a gig? I've not.

They're a student band ffs, not Oasis. We're probably only talking a couple of hundred quid! They're not going to get any decent entertainment for less.

Show quote history

I’d rather pay another band double, even if they were shit, rather than my mean spirited son who has never once bought either of his parents a bloody gift

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:31

So if the band are normally say £1k and there are 5 members OP’s son should only ask for £800

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:31

Justanotherteacher · 04/01/2025 01:27

My husband is a professional musician. He fell into this trap while at university. An uncle’s wedding here, a friend’s wedding there, a mate’s party, someone’s funeral…Aside from the thousand pounds of work he’d done for free, there’s also the singling out as not a proper guest. You don’t get to join in. You’re the entertainment, you’re not relaxing with everyone else. (For a start, you’ve had to stay sober so you can play.)

If he’s a guest, then he shouldn’t be expected to entertain. If he’s the entertainment, then he should be fairly paid.

It's not an uncle, friend or mate, it's his parents who are currently funding his university degree.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:30

Have you ever heard of band members getting paid individually for a gig? I've not.

Of course they do! They don’t have a joint bank account as a band do they. They split the money between them. It’s not hard, it’s basic maths to figure it out

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:30

BruFord · 04/01/2025 01:25

@oakleaffy That makes sense, but this is a special joint birthday party. It would be nice to offer to play as his gift to them.

It's a tricky one I think.{Because of the band-mates}..I also read that he doesn't buy his mum anything for her birthdays?!

That isn't very nice.

TequilaNights · 04/01/2025 01:30

Our family singer charges half her fee and set will be for say an hour or 2, so she can also enjoy the party she is professional and books up, so to her she will lose money if she didn't and we have no problem paying, but she isn't my daughter.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:29

I’d knock it off any bills, student fees and pocket money you give him and insist on a thank you

Or book someone else. Selfish little penny pincher he is!