DS wants to charge

Starting out as a musician you need exposure not money ( if you are living with your parents). I'd be so cross and so would my friend ( whose birthday it was and whose daughter was in the band and at the time ny DS's gf), Of course they didn't ask for money , neither did the other 2 boys. They have been friends for years. Playing music ( which they love doing) for an audience of mainly friends and neighbours and an enormous dinner , well you're a bit weird if you think that is a bad night out.

@AnnaL94

This is really not rocket science. Let’s say there is four of them and the going rate is £200. He could then have said “We’ll call it £150 because I absolutely refuse to charge you. This will make up for the fact that I’m a total dick and a tight arse who has never once bought you or dad a birthday or Christmas gift. “

Unfortunately the conversation about money didn’t get to happen, because the second the last syllable was off mum’s tongue, inviting the money grabbing tight arse her talented son to play, he was demanding money.

YANBU Op. Three of my brothers are tradies, two of them have always offered mates rates to family (i.e siblings and parents), generally only for parts, one brother even re-wired my house. I am in accountant and helped mum with tax returns and two of my brothers with their book keeping. We are family, so I wouldnt have the nerve to charge them full whack.

The other brother (who we are all NC with) once charged my parents hourly rate for installing a couple of cabinets in their kitchen. I was horrified.

If he approached you first and said “Hey mum, how’s about me and the band perform at the party? We’d do it for free, no bother!” Then that’s fair enough.

However, you asking your son first and expecting him to not be paid whilst his band mates will be - is shocking. Truly shocking.

Mmm…Just remind me how he came to be in the position to do this degree and undertake these gigs??? His parents have funded him for 3 years. Have you any idea how much that has cost? No of course we do not say “We did this for you so now you owe x, y or z” However do you think it’s absolutely shocking to give back to people? To payback when you have been given this fantastic opportunity?

Of course his mum can communicate. Why are you suggesting she can’t? She communicated that she wanted him to play and I’ve no doubt she would have offered to pay, had he not jumped down her throat immediately telling her he wanted money.

I’m quite confused about the bit where she wants strangers to slag her son off online.
she says “Is this just inexperience talking? Should we stand our ground or does he have a point?”

Not actually asking for him to be slagged off then?

ETA Apologies - i misread. You're offering the rest of the band their fee, so that's okay.

I was in an accordion group for a while. We played at a band member's granddaughter's reception. The grandad didn't want payment, of course, but the rest of us were offered our usual rate. We all declined...but the point is that the offer was made.

How much did he ask for? How long was the set? I gather he wasn't happy to have his mates paid but not himself. It's pretty unusual. At the party for his gf's mum my DS did , all around me were compliments about the band and R especially who dragged the 50yo mum up to the stage they were on that they'd 'd set up in their backyard to sing an INXS classic with him. She sent a video to everyone the next day saying he had made her dream come true to be a rock star. Obviously OTT but she was super duper happy . You don't need to be paid for that except maybe expenses. ( all the band lived within walking distance so wasn't an issue). They were all told to eat and drink as much as they wanted , and left a very happy group.

@SkyBlueCloudyLakes
There are so many people thinking OP is unreasonable, because generally there are now way more selfish people in the world than there used to be. Selfishness spreading faster than Covid did!

It's not his hobby though is it? He is trying to make a living from playing music. And he must be good if he has done a music degree.

It is his profession. Maybe he wants some respect from his parents. His Mam clearly doesn't have much respect for him as she had outlined in her postings. It's a professional opportunity for him. She should offer the same pay as she has to his band mates. Not slag him off online. She should talk to her son. They have arranged this massive party so must have some communication skills.

She has slagged her son off online whether it's anonymous or not is irrelevant. I would be heartbroken if my mam did that and so would you. She isn't asking for advice or understanding she wants strangers to slag her son off to validate her opinion.

Of course he should if it’s only a few hours !!! How ungrateful can young adults be to charge their parents for a few hours job , keeping in mind it’s not ongoing! It’s a one off !! I guess in the future the parents can keep his Christmas gift money and use that to pay him if needed .Cheeky sod doesn’t even put his hand in his pocket for that. Hope he wont expect lots of free hours of babysitting his kids if he has any .

3rd year Student?
Where does he live?
Really hope he's not staying in your house, eating your food, using your electric, water and gas and not paying market rate.

Stuck up little shit he wouldn't be invited to my party if I were you.

@CompleteOvaryAction The majority of these comments have made me want to vomit!

I hope you and your husband have a wonderful party - one that you both remember forever 💕✨

Would have been so charming and lovely if your son had wanted his band to play the music - as a thoughtful gift!! Certainly sounds like you and your husband would deserve that... Such a shame your son's brain works the bizarre way it does 🤨
Hope you find a decent band to hire if that's what you now decide to do.

Hopefully you both enjoy your special birthdays when they come around. ❤️💙

This!!! 1000x this
I can't understand how some people think it's unreasonable to ask your son one time! to perform for free on special birthday...
And the son demanding payment...crazy
So yes maybe in this case you should hire someone else and let your son join the party as guest, since he doesnt seem to be that keen on performing.

Maybe he’s just an ungrateful child.
We’ll never know because this is an anonymous “public forum” where people come for advice and feedback from others.
Maybe you’re a dick. Maybe I am.
Anonymous people on the internet generally are.
What I do know is that the OP asked for advice and not a slagging off.
Savvy?

The way he even said it to you was full of attitude. He’s a cheeky little fuck . A big birthday and he can’t spare his time unless he profits from it . He doesn’t even buy you both Christmas or birthday presents. Stop buying him stuff. He’s an entitled ungrateful brat .

I think when it comes to professional services you should always pay, especially if it’s arts related. People constantly think they can get freebies off you because you’re family.

They’re starting out and paying only the bandmates is even worse.

Oh god no absolutely not worth the aggro. Hire someone

You mean an anonymous public forum @Lorelielee

Yep! Been waiting for the ‘Let’s blame the parents’ brigade to show up. Well maybe if he views his parents with such disdain, he will make sure his career is a success so he can pay them back everything for which he wasn’t grateful.

Good point.

Also worth remembering that his parents brought him up and instilled his values into him. Maybe this is a 'reap what you sow' situation?

Maybe, he is a dick. Who knows.

But, remember his mam is here on a public forum sagging her son off and wanting validation from randoms. Her own son. So maybe he has reasons for being a dick.

Kids these days - can’t kick their asses, can’t abandon them lol.

But you can pay them for playing your gig.
You should offer him £25 @CompleteOvaryAction
🎶You can’t always get what you want🎶
Tell him that’s how Mick & the boys got started, playing their parents birthday parties. Honest.
Would I lie to my own son?
And Led Zeppelin too. Really.
Why, if it wasn’t for their parents…
Does he think Stairway to Heaven was written in a studio?? Hell no. It was written in somebody’s mum’s garage.

YABU to think it would be reasonable to pay the other band members but not your son (and how would that work anyway? presumably they would present an invoice, you would transfer money to the band's account and they would divide it between them?)

Thank you! To be fair I should have said DD is the same. We’ve had a tough few years and only a few years ago I could only spend £20 each on them. They were 12 and 14 at the time and told me that Christmas wasn’t about gifts. I read some of the posts on here and I’m horrified. Mine are far from perfect but greedy they are not!!

And in the highly likely event he never makes it?

Absolutely right! The Sir Alan Sugars of the World.. He too was a grafter from a young age.