Page 15 | DS wants to charge

CompleteOvaryAction · 2025-01-04T00:29:03+00:00

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday. Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services. I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too. It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration. Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point? I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

AllRightNowt · 04/01/2025 07:32

Too often people in creative fields are expected to perform/create for free as it is not respected in the same way other professions are. If he is going to make a career out of this then he needs to charge for his services and should start as he means to go on.

Exactly this. We were told at college never to work for friends or family as they can't afford you. Meaning they likely won't value what you do.
I'd probably not have asked him, surely you want his company as a guest?

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 07:27

Summerlilly · 04/01/2025 05:53

You have to pay him. You can’t say he only were he is cause we funded him.
You’re his parents, it’s your job to support him.
My uncle is a mechanic, should he just always service my car for free cause we are related? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Did you pay for all of your uncle’s training to be a mechanic? @Summerlilly

Totaleclipseofthemind · 04/01/2025 07:26

If you are paying his band mates you should pay him.

Simple transaction.

No need to manipulate, demonise and shame your own DS into doing it for free when the rest of his band are getting paid.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 07:22

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 04/01/2025 04:58

If we don't hire him he'll be invited to attend as a guest, naturally. If he takes a paid gig in preference to celebrating his parents' birthdays, that would be hurtful too. so let’s just get this straight.

you’re having a lavish party, lavish enough that you want to hire a band. So you have suggested that your DS plays, that you will play his band mates but that you expect him to do it for free as his gift to you, as gratitude for the fact you’ve (presumably willingly) funded him through university.

But that’s not enough. If you don’t hire him, then you expect him to attend anyway and feel him taking paid work rather than playing at your party, for free, and therefore not actually being a part of the party would be wrong. Never mind you weren’t actually intending to invite him to the party you just want him to show up to play presumably so you can do this party a bit more on the cheap.

I think you’ve got a bloody nerve, if I were him I would just say no to playing full stop, find some paid gig and stuff the party which you don’t really want him at anyway, you just know that it’ll show you up if he’s not there.

And all the posters calling him an ungrateful twat, he’s a professional. And the OP saying she’ll pay his band mates and not him is singling him out personally.

And her expecting him to attend her probably dull party for someone of his age instead of a paid gig is then leaving his band mates unable to earn that night either.

Nope. The OP is the one in the wrong here. If he’d demanded to play then fine. But he didn’t.

He’s a selfish twat

Wtafdidido · 04/01/2025 07:18

In the grand scheme of things and in relation to the overall and likely substantial budget you are spending on this event is it worth falling out of a relatively small sum of money? You will be paying his band mates so given all the other expenses and overall budget it’s not going to make a vast debt to just pay him and be done with it. You would have to pay an alternate band anyway which is likely to be a lot more expensive. Yes he should probably do it as his gift to you but it is what it is and don’t let it sour the event.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 07:17

Ceramiq · 04/01/2025 06:24

You can't pay his friends and not your DS.

How hard is this to understand? If they were going to charge £200 and there’s four of them, she pays them £150. Are you the sort of person who does not believe in paying back. Wow!

MooFroo · 04/01/2025 07:16

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:36

If we don't hire him he'll be invited to attend as a guest, naturally. If he takes a paid gig in preference to celebrating his parents' birthdays, that would be hurtful too.

Show quote history

id be upset too@CompleteOvaryAction!

He’s your child and at your party anyway so should be arranging this either as a gift from him and his mates or at the very least from himself.

Remind him how much his uni has cost you, and other ways you’ve supported his life choices and talk to him about £££ and respect.

I asked mine for help with painting the other day and when he asked me why we don’t just pay someone, I told him it’s because we spend so much money paying for his accommodation that this is just one of the many sacrifices we are making as parent for him to life the amazing fun life he currently does.

A reality check can do wonders! He got the message and helped paint

DancefloorAcrobatics · 04/01/2025 07:16

MN has such a wired view on things...
He's still at uni, he's not an established professional. I knew a lot of uni students art and music when I was a student... the majority did not make it as professionals.

I also don't think that the argument of missing out on another gig is relevant. It's his parents big birthday! Of course he's gonna attend unless he's a big spoiled bratty moron.
Would I pay his friends, yes of course I would - I am not their parent, they are giving up their time... I might even give something to my own DC IF they didn't expect it. which in this case they do so no
Just say thanks, but no thanks and look elsewhere.

KimFan · 04/01/2025 07:15

Hire a different band.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 07:13

Jaapssthia · 04/01/2025 04:01

Don’t be so entitled, pay him, he’s a student FFS.

Is this a joke FFS?????
Calling the OP entitled when her jumped up DS has never once bought a birthday or Christmas present for either of his parents and they are currently funding his third year at uni???
Your attitude@Jaapssthia is the attitude that is breeding the utter selfishness we are seeing amongst the young people of today.
“LOOK AT ME, DO YOU LNOW WHO I AM? THE WORLD OWES ME A BIG FAVOUR”

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/01/2025 07:03

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 04/01/2025 00:40

If you've funded him through his music degree at uni, fuck that. He's a right cheeky twat to ask.

This, tbh. He sounds very entitled - you don’t charge parents who have been bankrolling your uni course ffs! I’d invite him as a guest and use a dj instead.

harriethoyle · 04/01/2025 07:01

Yeah he sounds like an arse - sorry @CompleteOvaryAction . Might be time for a sit down chat about mutual respect. And if he doesn’t step up for your next birthday that would be the last present I bought him.

healthybychristmas · 04/01/2025 07:01

Given your later posts, I think I would get a different band. He has a really bad attitude. How come nobody has asked him why you don't get a present? Does he have a part-time job or is he buying presents for other people using your money?

Fuzziduck · 04/01/2025 06:58

I'd probably organise an alternative, and say you want him to enjoy the night and be part of it.

Tel12 · 04/01/2025 06:30

I'd pay him, but I'd definitely say you know where you stand. I suspect that as a fully fledged adult you'll see little of him.

AnotherCrazyCatLady · 04/01/2025 06:29

Just to add – the son didn't offer to play at this party, the OP asked him.

If she was expecting this to be gratis, maybe she should have framed the initial request to reflect this – something along the lines, "your dad and I have been thinking about what present we'd like from you for our birthdays, and we'd really like your band to play some music at our party. Have a think about whether you'd be ok with that. We'll obviously pay your band mates for their time".

It sounds like this party is going to be big - with a marquis, catering and the like – and maybe the son's position is that either he's (1) a guest who gets to enjoy the whole event with his family and friends or (2) a professional providing entertainment for others, in which case he should be remunerated. I don't think this position is itself unreasonable.

If the son tends to be ungracious then the OP can think about how and when to address this.

marshmallowfinder · 04/01/2025 06:27

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 04/01/2025 00:30

If it was just him you might have a good point. How well do you know his band members? Should they also give up an evening to do their job for free?

Did you actually read the OP?

Ceramiq · 04/01/2025 06:24

You can't pay his friends and not your DS.

Painauraison · 04/01/2025 06:18

Don't bands have to do lots of gigs free or cheap to get heard?
I'd go with another band because this is obviously causing tension. I would not expect to pay tbh!

Jennwrenn · 04/01/2025 06:08

Just hire a different band and avoid navigating this mess.

MoveToParis · 04/01/2025 05:57

Intensiv14 · 04/01/2025 00:31

It would be nice of him to do it as a favour, if he’s only there because you’ve funded him, but is he a) skint and b) going to miss a paid gig for playing at yours?

This!

If he’s Harry Styles, then not so much!

Summerlilly · 04/01/2025 05:53

You have to pay him. You can’t say he only were he is cause we funded him.
You’re his parents, it’s your job to support him.
My uncle is a mechanic, should he just always service my car for free cause we are related? 🤦🏼‍♀️

MaggieBsBoat · 04/01/2025 05:48

Just pay some professionals. Tell him that as you’ll need to pay you’d rather pay for people who do it for a living and are more likely to be good!

XelaM · 04/01/2025 05:39

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 04/01/2025 04:58

If we don't hire him he'll be invited to attend as a guest, naturally. If he takes a paid gig in preference to celebrating his parents' birthdays, that would be hurtful too. so let’s just get this straight.

you’re having a lavish party, lavish enough that you want to hire a band. So you have suggested that your DS plays, that you will play his band mates but that you expect him to do it for free as his gift to you, as gratitude for the fact you’ve (presumably willingly) funded him through university.

But that’s not enough. If you don’t hire him, then you expect him to attend anyway and feel him taking paid work rather than playing at your party, for free, and therefore not actually being a part of the party would be wrong. Never mind you weren’t actually intending to invite him to the party you just want him to show up to play presumably so you can do this party a bit more on the cheap.

I think you’ve got a bloody nerve, if I were him I would just say no to playing full stop, find some paid gig and stuff the party which you don’t really want him at anyway, you just know that it’ll show you up if he’s not there.

And all the posters calling him an ungrateful twat, he’s a professional. And the OP saying she’ll pay his band mates and not him is singling him out personally.

And her expecting him to attend her probably dull party for someone of his age instead of a paid gig is then leaving his band mates unable to earn that night either.

Nope. The OP is the one in the wrong here. If he’d demanded to play then fine. But he didn’t.

This is his parents we are talking about and it's their big birthday. Why would he choose to be somewhere else?! Mumsnet has such weird relationships between parents and adult kids.

Starblind19 · 04/01/2025 05:37

I find your post really sad. I would never dream of charging My mother for anything especially if she had been financially supporting my career choice and encouraging me. I would view it as something I could do to give back. You need to knock him down a peg or two and give him a lesson in respect. Hire a different band pronto. If I was you I would also stop any money that isn't to do with his education. And minimal gifts now on birthdays and Christmas.