DS wants to charge

For me, the issue doesn't really read as expecting repayment, more that the OP is disappointed that her son didn't offer. Generosity and sense of give and take are important to me, and I would probably want to discuss it from that angle if I were in the OPs shoes

Editing as hadn’t read full thread!

And if my child didn't attend my special birthday party due to them having other work then I would be telling them it's a shame they don't value family and from now on they need to bear in mind that they can't just rely on us for support.

His attitude is not to do with maturity, he's a self centred, selfish person. My assumption is that he is fine being treated in the same way.

We have professional musicians in the family and there is no chance they would be charging in these circumstances. Absolutely zero. In fact, I can say that with complete certainty as we have a similar situation next year, and I know they are not charging to play. The hosts in that instance offered to pay and were told not to be silly by the band members.

You say your DS is still a student, so are you helping to fund his studies? If so, I would gently point that out.

DH is in a professional band of they've ever done a family event the band member whose family it is waives their fee and the others get paid.

They do that because they want to do something nice for their family.

They will do a bit of a discount for friends but careful for it not to become a slippery slope as people seem to think bands should do work for less than minimum wage.

YANBU - my DH is in a band and it is a common thing to waive your own fee for a good friend/ family member. Eg they played at the party of a friend of the singer recently, the band got paid but the singer did it for free.

Sounds like he’s young and self-absorbed. It depends what you want to do. If you really want him to play I’d just pay him for the sake of keeping the peace. Chances are he’ll be embarrassed about it when he grows up a bit.

You’re both unreasonable. For me, it isn’t about the money but recognising the value of his profession by offering to pay. In return, he should decline and insist on doing it for free as his gift to you.

While I think it was very rude the first words out of his mouth were asking to be paid, it sounds like he assumed correctly that you were after a freebie!

How much is he asking for? I am team 'pay him'.

I was with you from the start OP but am even more now I've seen your post re his attitude.

In my world you help and support and do favours for family, you don't expect payment. It's offered great.

I assume you are financially supporting him through uni? What does this look like? All fees etc or his taking the grant that he'll have to pay back?

I agree with other posters, he needs a wake up call although you need to be prepared that he may double down (his loss though). My children can be very expecting but I am very clear on what things cost and what to expect and it has to be reciprocated.

I would be finding another band or DJ to do my party, I wouldn't tell him this. Then just invite him plus a friend - no bringing a few mates along. Additionally I would be having a sit down and an adult conversation about how things will be moving forward. Expectations of chores at home (how is he at these) and the renegotiation of financial help,

I bought birthday/Christmas presents for my mum and dad from my pocket money as a child, so I don't think this excuses it. I think you simply need to bite the bullet and be truly honest and send a long text message to him. Tell him you are disappointed he has never gotten you so much as a Birthday or Christmas present to you his own parents, you thought him playing could be his 'gift' to you. But 'if that's the way you want it, we will hire someone else, and perhaps its best if you don't attend the party. Your father and I feel very hurt and disappointed in your behaviour, we didn't think you'd turn out like this.'

Can you just offer them a set fee as a band (maybe what you were planning to pay in total for the other members) and then they can decide how to split it between them?

Would anyone on here honestly have charged their own parents for this one-off birthday favour? I know I certainly wouldn't have.

It's just a nice gesture isn't it? Making the day more special for lovely parents as opposed to business like every other gig.

It's an absolute nonsense OP. I'd hire someone else.

You don’t charge your parents. Dreadful behaviour from him. He should want to do this favour for his mum and dad.

If you are paying the other band members you psy him too. Why is this such an issue? He's a student and probably needs the cash.

My DC didn’t buy us presents at that age, now they do and very thoughtful ones. He’s at a selfish age OP, try not to feel too hurt.

I doubt he will be interested in attending your party either other than as a paid performer. Sorry, but I think you should brace yourself for him accepting other work if you don’t pay him to be there.

I'm not sure. My first thought was they should play for free (the whole band) as presumably it's a rare request and there may be times that they do it for other band members but I can see that playing for a whole evening may be a lot. Somehow paying the other band members and not him seems more odd. How much are you really saving?

I think they could offer a discount but I can see why you'd think you wouldn't have to pay. I'm sure you do things for him when he comes home that you don't charge for.

He’s either there to work or he’s there as a guest. If he’s there to work why wouldn’t you pay him?

You can’t pay his band mates but not him. If he’d offered his services for free then fair enough but he hasn’t so you either pay or he doesn’t perform 🤷‍♀️

I think it depends on the family. In my family, we wouldn't dream of charging our parents, but in my husbands family, they do.

There is not right or wrong.

If people didn't start threads moaning about family members, including their own kids, Mumsnet would probably shut down for lack of traffic.

At first I thought you were definitely being unreasonable. You expected him to play at your party, rather than him offering, and you need to pay his band mates as they're not family, so why would you leave him out? Also, as a parent, if my child was in a band, I'd be more than happy to offer them a paid gig and give them a chance to pursue what might become a career for them. If they preferred to just attend the party, that would be fine.

But reading on I realise this isn't your real issue. He doesn't give presents and he doesn't see that reciprocation is important, especially since he is now an adult. Somewhere only the line, something has gone wrong - who is to blame for that, I don't know. But you resent it, you an extent anyway. That's reasonable, I would too.

My dc are all adult now - they do get us presents but I admit as parents we make sure it happens - the other parent checks that each child has got something. Not in a you must do this way, but in a do you have any ideas way.

Having read your update OP he sounds entitled and selfish. I would avoid an argument hire professionals and say you would prefer him to be there as a guest and enjoy it but long term I'd be scaling back what you do for him and telling him it's hurtful to not receive a birthday or Christmas present

It often happens, people want to offload and on here, we are anonymous as long as we don't say anything identifying.

Better to do it somewhere like this than with people who know us.

If it helps someone to get things in perspective, and move on, it's a good outlet.

Yanbu. This is a valuable lesson for him, of course you don’t charge your loved ones for services, as long as it’s reciprocated. Are either you or your husband tight or stingy with money?

He sounds very entitled. Id sit him down and explain that this is a moral standard that you expect, in the same way that when you and his dad help him, you don’t expect payment.

Im shocked he can’t see this. Does he have any learning issues? I’d have thought this would be obvious to him.

The op said she would pay his band mates, no problem. That is not the issue, it is that he won't do something like this for his parents as a gift. I think he is being unbelievably mean and have not come across it before.