DS wants to charge

Totally agree with people telling you to pay- you expect a good service then you pay. Also when are kids are young so we not sometimes pay them to teach them they do a job and they’ll be rewarded? Not for everything, but for things that take proper time and require them to take a certain work ethic. As others say if you can afford to pay for the party you should be paying for the entertainment. Even worse that he was going to be the only one in the band not getting paid!!

This. I’m a pro musician and would much rather enjoy a family event as a guest than be working. Everyone thinks being in a band is just fun, but it’s often a 12+ hour day, loads of lugging heavy equipment around and then waiting around in disabled toilets or the van. Really not quite as glam as you’d imagine!

OMG, just pay the kids their going rate!!

If you can afford a big party, you can afford to pay them. You are the parents and you have the money.

I can't believe how stingy you're being.

If he wants to charge for his own services (you should absolutely pay the other band-members regardlesss) rather than do this for his relative as a gift, then treat him as a professional service provider. Make him audition, present him with a contract, make sure he has the relevant insurance in place with regard to equipment, electrics etc, tell him you are seeing other bands, and tell him you'll get back to him (at your convenience).

They are professionals if they can collectively charge for their performances.

@CompleteOvaryAction - you should pay the band the going rate if you expect them to give up their evening and attend (in a professional capacity) your birthday celebration. Otherwise you will have to pay either a DJ, Band or combination of that and that will be very expensive.

I am a qualified masseuse. I would never ever charge my parents to give them a massage. Especially on their birthday!

"I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play"
Tell him that, and book someone else
Once his bandmates realise he cost them a gig by his pettiness, they may take steps

This is a great post; don’t conflate the fact that he’s (got away with being..?) an ungrateful so-and-so to date with an expectation to provide free entertainment at a party. This is not the time to try and address the bigger problem, IMO.

Except OP outlined that they did all of that. If you're going to be judgy, at least read first

You must have taught him that. I helped my kids buy gifts for their other parent when they were small, then gave them money to buy for each parent when teens and would expect them and they do, buy something out of their own money as older teens and adults. You obviously haven't built that expectation in him when bringing him up.

OP intends paying the other band members. I would probably pay an agreed fee for the band and let the members share it between themselves - which would be the arrangement for any other gig they do.

Earning a living as a musician is hard enough without people expecting you to do it for free as a favour.

You should definitely be paying him.

I'd assume that he doesn't really want the gig OP.

Hire a different band.

I think get in a professional band. Invite your son to the party instead, it’ll be less stressful. I’m sure the band are decent enough and I get that it would be nice having your son’s band playing at your birthday but not as good as you’d get from a band who do it for a living. That way you’ll have more say on type of music/ songs/ time they will play for. Suspect your son will take best of both worlds otherwise i.e. expect paid plus take advantage of it being his parents party and choose time, have more breaks, eat and drink the food etc
He’s being daft not wanting to play, sounds like a big bash him and his mates would benefit from through publicity (if they’re any good) and think just cancelling the idea may start to give him the wake up call he needs.
no presents/ card for your or his dad’s birthday is a bit ridiculous at his age- my, much younger, dc know and choose to buy something for parents and grandparents at birthdays and Christmas as a small token, £5 max each so chocolate or shower gel etc but their money and understand it’s the thought/ gesture that is important

Haven't read the full thread, but I don't understand how you would hire them all separately? I've never known a band to charge per player? And could they perform if he didn't? It seems very strange to me. Surely you just pay them as anyone else would and they sort it between them?

Yes, although I'm sure it will be very good, bear in mind, that they are still only students and sometimes they'll make professional rates gigging and sometimes they won't. If you want a pro band, hire a pro-band.

Equating what seems to be a loving and supportive parent hurt because her son has form for being ungenerous with an influencer demanding free goods and services is a reach.

Your turning this into a massive problem for no reason. Youve asked his band to play. Your paying his band mates, that should include him too. I dont see the issue. Just pay him!

I think you need to separate out two things - the party and his general attitude at home and with gift-giving.

Friends and family should not demand or expect professional/work services for free. There's a thin line here in terms of boundaries. Always offer to pay. Artists/tradespeople etc should never be expected to work for free, that undermines the value of their time and services and normalises exploitation. Your DS is right that you should pay him. This shows respect for what he does and that you don't just see it as "DS's little band".

But this doesn't change the fact that he sounds like an ungrateful little so-and-so who needs a wake-up call in terms of doing more at home and appreciating those who support him. It sounds like he takes the support he's given for granted. I can understand why this grates on you and I don't think YABU to want him to contribute more.

I wouldn't have the second argument at your party though or tie the two issues in with each other. That will just lead to bad feeling and resentment over what should be a happy event, whereas actually what is needed is more respect on both sides.

Apologies, that changes things and will teach me not to read the full thread!

Did he say he (singular) or the band would expect to be paid?

How did the rest of the conversation go - when you said of course you were always intending to pay the rest of the band, it was just him you expected a freebie from?

What makes someone a professional? Surely the majority of people in bands don't have a degree but still play for money?! If the rest of the band are being paid, pay him.

Honestly, I would just say to him at this point that you’d rather have him there as a guest than working and just hire a DJ or different band instead. Save on the aggro.

Re presents, have a discussion separately from this issue about whether you, as parents, and him as another adult family member are ‘doing’ presents anymore. Make it clear that it’s a 2 way thing, if he wants to keep receiving gifts then he buys them as well. It’s not mean, it’s teaching him an important lesson about family relationships otherwise he’ll end up being subject of a post on here in about 10 years time where his future wife is upset that he hasn’t got her anything despite her treating him on his birthday.

Maybe read all of the OPs replies on this thread, @julia08 He is a selfish freeloader who has never bought his parents a birthday present or a Christmas present.

Children never have to pay their parents back for their education.