DS wants to charge

"...he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him."

He possibly 'appreciates' this all too well, and imagines you wouldn't want him to waste your money buying gifts for you.

Also, he's 'where he is now' because of talent and a great deal of hard work. As parents, we can pay for music lessons for our children, buy their instruments and ferry them to lessons and practice sessions, but only they can put in the many hours of practice it takes to be a great musician.

I was a professional musican and never once charged immediate family or wider family for any performance, and I did many.

What nonsense. He had no problem telling his mother he EXPECTED to be paid so therefore I’m sure he can find the courage to tell anyone else the same .

If you can treat this objectively, then look through a few bands and pick the one you prefer. If it’s your DS then pay him. We pay ours when we ask them to do work so that they’ll do take it seriously and do the work properly.

How old is your DS and does he live with you or do you still in any way find him now? Eh if he owes you for fees/ room rent/ food bills then charge him for those in future.

I can understand your side tho, especially that the immediate response was about payment
not even about preferences! and other behaviours you seem to have issues on.

The very fact you have mentioned being more than one "0" birthday it could be kinda makes the point it's not a one off

Look I'm just gonna repeat myself because I don't think people are getting this
When you're a musician it's always something. Your parents, Sisters, brothers, cousins, aunties, uncles, your friends, parents friends, someone's having a birthday...50th, 51st, 52nd, an anniversary, it's new year, it's Christmas, it's a barbecue, a christening, a wedding, leaving do. People always want music but not enough to pay for it. It's so bad to set a precedent of giving freebies because then it's "but you did it last time"..."but it's my best friend... You don't want to embarrass me do you"

So you would expect your parents to pay you for lifts and general help around the house when they’re older. Do not say it’s different because it’s not.

um, yes, most people do only turn 50 (or whatever '0') OP is turning, once in their lives, that's sort of how the passage of time works?

Mum of a musician here.
Music college is not really like uni, they are expected to be out there performing and earning as well as being taught and mentored, it is part of the learning process and it is drummed into them that they must be super careful about doing things for free, the Musicians Union is very protective of musicians. So it’s a bit unfair to label them as ‘just students’. And his immediate reaction sounds very much like he is quoting what the MU had told them.
For my son, parties like this are his workplace, a lot of pre gig rehearsal is needed, transport costs and turning down other work have to be factored in, it’s never a case of turn up and play. So he would much rather be a guest at a big family party than working, where he can’t drink or catch up with family. However as he is a generous man, he would probably not charge us but expect the rest of the band to be paid full whack.
Would you expect a chef son to cook everything for nothing and be stuck in the kitchen while the rest of the family party? My first instinct would be to want my son at the party having fun, not working.
The issue of him never having bought a present is a separate issue that needs addressing but not in the context of this party.

You pay the whole band or not at all. Most bands split the fee equally among its members.

Not sure if this has already been said, but I think I’d say we’re paying your band mates to play but as you’ve never brought us a Christmas or birthday present we thought this might be your gift to us. If we don’t hire you, yes we expect a lovely gift from you instead

It’s just a situation where you both stand to be insulted - you if he charges and him if you don’t pay him. Don’t mix business and pleasure!!

A big special one for his PARENTS only and probably never another.

Me too.

Yeah those famous one off events, birthdays

What part of once off gig for his parents special birthday event don’t you get . I’d hardly call doing something lovely for your parents a freebie . What he does with every other Tom Dick or Harry is up to him .This will not cost him his future .

OP have you asked him to perform for free before?
Because I can imagine he would immediately ask for payment if he's used to being expected to give out freebies

(And it wouldn't be just one event. because then Auntie would be like "Your mother said you did it for free. Why can't you do ours for free too?" Etc)

Just wanted to add that other functions we charged £800-£1500 depending on location and there were 5 of us

I used to be in a band pre kids and we're booked for events by friends.
We offered them a cheaper rate to the usual 'event fee'.
Bands will charge £1k+ for functions and we literally did it for £200 because they were a good friend to the band.
I would offer my own solo service for free to my mum (my band would have done it for free also but they are a lot older than your son with a lot more life and music experience) but I wouldn't expect others to do so.
Have you asked how much they would charge?
I do understand why your upset but I'd suck it up if you want to give them exposure and pay them.

He should do it as a birthday present for you both. But the problem is that he never gets either of you any presents, so that's why he hasn't offered. He is used to only taking from you, that's the bigger problem.

The vast majority of posters are still not understanding what actually happened. OP might well have paid him had it not been for the way the conversation went (which I wish she'd put in the OP so that people 'got it')

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

That his instant response to the question was about money, is what is a punch to the stomach.

'I have hesitated to have the conversation re gifts as it rather defeats the point to ask for a gift but maybe I could get an auntie or friend to mention it and see if the penny drops.
That's separate from the party/band/payment question of course, although springing from the same attitude I think.'

I think the gift thing is odd, OP, but I would tackle it yourself, much more hurtful for him to know you've talked to friends or one of his aunties about this.

I think you should pay the band their going rate and be proud of the fact that they're trying to make it as musicians, very churlish and hurtful to him (again) to flounce off and hire professionals, tad childish, imo, sorry! Seems your DH sees your son's point. People usually/often pay family brickies, sparkies, plumbers etc.
It should be a fun evening for all

She said : we'd expect to pay his band mates

For all the people saying he should be paid, this isn’t just about whether musicians get the pay they deserve (just like writers and artists, the answer is usually that they’re not - the arts industry isn’t financially recognised in the same way as other businesses).
However in this case it seems OP’s DS is one of life’s takers, and therefore there’s a much bigger lesson to be learned for him here. If it was me, I’d have a proper chat about the importance of generosity and selflessness, book a different band and invite him as a guest.

I stopped singing professionally because of all the family that expected freebies. You possibly should have let him offer to play as his present to you.

I might have sung one song at my parent's birthday but actually enjoying the party would've been more important to me. This may be his awkward way of saying that you're asking him to work really hard for free and not get to enjoy the party - what exactly does he get out of that?