Elderly dad and wife expect me to care for her

Just say No, simple as that and definitely don’t start doing things as that will be the thin end of the wedge and taken as an invitation to ask you to do more.
if you feel inclined to justify yourself, which you don’t have to, just say this woman is not your mother you owe her nothing.
Good luck to you and do not allow yourself to be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into anything you don’t want to do.

You owe them nothing, OP. They made your and DM’s lives unnecessarily hard, and you’ve been kinder to them than I would have been. You are conscientious and generous, but don’t let them take advantage of you again.

You don't owe them anything. YANBU

For those taking about inheritance, OP would be foolish to expect anything to come her way, given past history, and even if it did, would it be worth it? She went through the ringer with her mum and cannot face the thought of caring for these 2 very demanding people especially given she's 10 yrs older than when she last did this, and for someone she loved and respected.

Her step mother might inherit from the father by outliving him (he's in poor health himself) and may have settled her estate on members of her own family. OP would be taking a massive risk to her finances and peace of mind by engaging with these 2. If they are still well off they can buy in the help they need. No need for her to allow them to car crash her life for a second time.

As I'm already a pensioner, I don't think my views will change. If OP's father and step-mother had shown even a scrap of remorse for their treatment of OP when she was a child and were trying to make amends, forgiveness might be appropriate. Many men leave marriages as a result of an affair but most of them don't completely abandon the children of the marriage. OP hasn't mentioned them apologising for their former actions and behaviour towards her and her mum.

There is no evidence that her dad and stepmother have changed as they're facing end of life. They are only in contact with OP because now they need something. There is no obligation for children to care for parents in their own age, even if they had a wonderful childhood. People can choose to do this but it should never be expected. To basically abandon your child and to then expect them to care for you (and the stepmother that was the reason for OP's dad leaving the marriage) is cruel and entitled.

I don't think that OP is bitter at all. She is obviously a lovely person and she cared for her mum through a long illness until she died. She is conflicted now because she is a kind person but she really doesn't owe these selfish people anything.

I don't see any evidence that the father has changed now that he faces the end of his life. All I see is a thoroughly selfish man who abandoned his young daughter and wife and left them in poverty, barely saw the daughter for many decades and is now making constant demands. Did you actually read what @Adrienne23 wrote? This is a list of utterly selfish demands. They are not and have never been interested in her, they just want her to run around after them now that are frail and listen to their monologues.

'The level of support my dad and his wife expect from me far exceeds the support my mum expected (or received) from me, I get calls and messages about the health condition of both, several times a day irrespective of what I am doing, demands to drive to and from appointments, visit the house, messages that seem urgent and can’t wait only to just want to chat about themselves, and so on.'

The OP lovingly cared for her very loving and unselfish mother but has not had a relationship with her father, through his choice, for decades. She has no reason to suddenly start now that he has decided that he wants to use her as his skivvy.

Relationships here in France (I'm an expat American living in France almost 6 years now) between children and their parents are a whole lot different than in the States. In the US, kids often leave home at 18, for college, jobs or the military, and often have little to do with their parents except on holidays, whereas the French, at least from what I've observed, take the approach that Mom and Dad took care of me when I was little so it's my turn now to give back. I see lots of old people accompanying really old people on weekend outings. My French girlfriend calls her mother every day and brings her over for holidays and birthdays. Mom lives about two and a half hours away from the rest of the family, so when she comes over, she usually stays for a few days. Mom is a vigorous and healthy 92 years old.

Your situation seems a lot different, both by your parents' behavior as well as yours. Did you try to keep in touch with them after you grew up, spend time with them on weekends, help with shopping or little tasks around the house? Or did they prefer to be left alone to do their thing and now want help from you? I'm trying to understand the family dynamic before your stepmom came into the picture and suggest you reflect on that. Maybe it's possible that they got signals from you that you just wanted to do your thing and be left alone.

I think you need to look at this situation rather pragmatically and try not to be emotional (super hard, I know). He may try emotional blackmail. He'll pull on heart strings. Tell you no one else can help, he's on his own etc etc.

What you need to remember, is what he has done for you. How he made you feel. How his actions impacted upon your life. This doesn't mean you have to be awful to him, but you can use it to gauge what you need to do. Think about how much support you are willing to give, if any, and then outline this very clearly with him. If he threatens to cut contact or criticises your boundaries, or tries to make you feel bad - see it for what it is - manipulation. A way to get you to do what he wants you to. You seem to have sacrificed a lot already, and you did what you could for your mum. It is not unreasonable or selfish in this situation to continue to build your life and improve your personal circumstances. If he does not understand or respect this, then perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship with him. X

Why is it that the default position of so many MNers is to be unforgiving and to rip families apart based on minimal information? That might be appropriate for the OP if she chooses, but the fact that she has taken the trouble to post here suggests she wouldn't be entirely happy with that solution. Otherwise she would simply walk away.

I've expressed one perspective based on my experience of how people can change when they're facing end of life and why, and also based on my own experience that to carry bitterness can lead to regrets, sadness and lack of closure when the cause/target of the bitterness has gone.

You don't have to share my point of view and that's fine, though I think your hard line might change as you age yourself...

Can you read? DID you read ALL the OP's post? My guess would be "Barely" and "No".

I'll help you out by summarising it in (mostly) words of 2 syllables or less:

OP's "father" (and that is being kind because he certainly didn't act like a father), had an adulterous (sorry, more than 2 syllables there.....) affair and left his wife and child high and dry to be with his mistress. He allowed his own child to live in poverty whilst he enjoyed a nice lifestyle with his new wife snd HER children. He treated his step-children far better than he treated his own child. Fast forward 50 years and after caring for her own mother through her final illness, OP finally has time to build a life of her own. However, "father's" wife is now ill and he isn't in good health either, and to the surprise of no one, his step children, the ones he cherished instead of his own daughter, don't want to know. So who does he expect.to drop everything and jump in to save the day? That's right, that very same daughter that he didnt give a single thought to all those years ago!

So: "Were they so cold hearted in your upbringing?". If you'd been able to read the post properly you would have seen that he abandoned his family and left them in poverty. That seems pretty cold hearted to me.

"You clearly have no feelings of affection, not even a sense of duty". Why should she? Where were HIS feelings of affection or sense of duty when his daughter needed him as a child?

"The only reason you stay in contact at all is for your inheritance". Do you often find yourself adding fictional narratives to other people's experiences? Might want to take a look at that bad habit...

"Have the decency to tell them that so that they can make alternative arrangements in their will". You REALLY think they'll have made ANY provision at for her in their will!?? Are you living in cloud cuckoo land? He wouldn't even support her during her childhood, when it was really needed, you honestly think he's going to bother about her now!?

"You are not the adult, you are the spoilt teenage brat who thinks other people exist merely to be used". Exactly HOW is OP "using" her father? And exactly HOW is she spoilt? HE certainly didn't act in an adult manner when he abandoned her, so why does she have to suddenly act like he's the best thing since sliced bread?

"If my children treated me as you appear to treat your parents, they’d be written out of my will straight away". One would hope that you would not run out on your children when they were dependant on you and vulnerable and refuse to support them! And OP hasn't treated her "parents" in any manner. She treated her MOTHER, the parent who actually ACTED like a parent SHOULD act, extremely well. She cared for her, putting her own life to the side, right to the end. Her "father" doesn't deserve that title and the woman he married is NOT OP's "parent" in any way, shape or form.

You really need to learn to read properly. Then you need to learn to read ALL the information before jumping in with both size nines.....

I know someone in their early 60's that wouldn't be able to do that.....

You are still grieving the loss of your mum which I am truly sorry for...its one of the worst losses. I think you know they don't deserve your help. You would end up as a personal slave.

It's hard enough caring for someone you love as you know. It's your time now to rebuild your life. Good luck and don't give in

Why are the scathing comments about OP's father and step-mother inappropriate, given their treatment of OP and her mum? There is no indication that they have ever done a kind or caring thing for OP, in fact the complete opposite. Becoming elderly, frail and ill doesn't wipe the slate clean or turn selfish people into kind and reasonable people deserving of OP's compassion and help.

I’m in my 70s and don’t know any of my friends of my sort of age who couldn’t do all of those things

I wouldn't ever have spoken to him again upon discovering how well off he was and how much he made your mother suffer. I say that as someone in your mum's position right now. I was in the queue at the food bank back in 2016, at the very same moment he was in Las Vegas gambling thousands. This just days after he'd called the CMS to request the £24.50 per month he paid, be recalculated due to his hardship.
Anyway, I digress! Categorically do not provide any care whatsoever. You have zero obligation to him. None

He walked out on her when she was small.Why does she have a duty to care for him? He did not give op's Mother money so she grew up without things .

She's not your mum, you don't owe her anything, also why can't your dad take care of her?

People in their 70’s are more capable than you think. My farther in law is 76 and he still drives, uses smart phones, does online shopping (he’s addicted to amazon). He’s V in poor health.

My mother in law is 66 and she still works on care. Drives, uses smart phones, etc.

Unless they have lost of mental faculty they should be more than capable of learning if they don’t know how and they don’t want to learn - well… that’s not OP’s responsibility.

I agree. All these scathing comments are totally inappropriate - they're an elderly couple (presumably) nearing the end of their lives in what must be for them a very shrunken world. They're probably feeling a bit frightened, a bit regretful and and all sorts of other emotions we, as younger people with a life to live, can't imagine. In my experience, as people contemplate their own demise they want to draw closer to their families. The people here calling them derogatory names will likely do the same when their time comes.

That said, I feel a huge amount of empathy for the OP - I'm going through something not too dissimilar myself. It's so hard. I think the OP should be firm in saying she's not in a position to help them directly, but to be there, as you suggest, to signpost them to specific sources of local support, repeatedly if necessary (which might involve a little research initially). Whether they choose to accept that support is a different matter, but at least the OP will have tried and will hopefully not have any feelings of guilt that she might have abandoned them.

Tell them to refer themselves to the local Social Services or MacMillan Cancer Care.

Can you adjust your phone settings so you only see their messages or receive their calls between eg. 7-8pm? Probably commuting hours better if on train etc.
Harsh reality: Do you stand to inherit? It may be worth considering.
If not bothered on inheritance I'd drop them to once a week comms and tell your father why.
If you want inheritance and this may affect it then just consider it at cost per hour.
I do realise this sounds awful, by the way!

Your inner child is sending a message to you loud and clear please listen. Some people are takers and need boundaries set. This is not your responsibility. X

So sorry about your mum and the difficult time you had growing up. It sounds as if they are really taking you for granted and I am not surprised you feel resentful. I would sit down with them both and set some boundaries. Decide beforehand what you are willing to do for them ( I got the impression you don't mind helping out a bit?) and then tell them that they need to get carers to provide the other help they require. Does your father's wife have any family to help out as well?
I am afraid older people can be very selfish when it comes to their needs and it is very often too much to expect.
You deserve time for yourself now.

You mentioned they only saw you 4 times a year. Tell them you will also only stop by 4 times a year. Do not do anything special for them; they didn’t start showing they cared about u til u were already grown up and they started having health issues.

Can't you read? If you had read the OP properly and had a scrap of empathy and emotional intelligence (or any intelligence at all come to that), you would have seen that OP's dad left her and her mum for her step-mother, left them in poverty and saw his child 4 times a year. OP cared for her mum through a long illness until she died.

Where does OP even mention an inheritance and why the fuck would you call OP a spoilt teenage brat who thinks other people exist merely to be used. Are you even posting on the right thread? OP's dad had an affair, left for the affair partner and pretty much abandoned his daughter and has given her nothing. He now expects her to care for himself and his wife. Her dad and her step mum are the ones behaving like spoilt brats, expecting the daughter the dad abandoned to be an unpaid carer for them both.