Elderly dad and wife expect me to care for her

I'd tell them the truth. Don't let your dad die without knowing that you resent the fact that he didn't give your or your mum any support and now expects that from you.

Also, your mum tried to protect you and she absolutely wouldn't want this for you. I imagine that if he'd been more supportive over the years her health wouldn't have been so poor. I'd tell him this too.

If it destroys your relationship then so be it. They're just using you anyway so it's no loss. Enjoy your life now as your mum would want you to.

None of this is in any way the ops problem though.

‘Hey dad, you know how when you left our family you saw me maybe 4 times a year and didn’t financially support my mum to bring me up? If you wanted to have an adult child support you when you got old and unwell you should have been a parent when your child was growing up instead of leaving them in hardship. Too late for that now.’

What on earth are you on about - this is good advice. Reiterating that there are services available to meet their needs, and which they are clearly able to afford, but expecting OP to do for nothing.

This. Decide on your boundaries and set them. Grey rock anything hassling from them. Seek counselling to help you respect your own boundaries and time/freedom.
This is not your mother. You do not owe her any care. And your father also left when you needed care. It's ok to be clear with yourself about what you feel is appropriate for you to do/not do -- and no guilt even if that is very minimal support.

Same advice as I always give. Decide what you can do/are prepared to do, tell them and then stick to it.

I think some of these suggested responses are very confrontational and could escalate the situation and create lots of unnecessary drama. Remember you don’t need to justify or explain your decision to them.

A “grey rock”/gradual withdrawal approach might be easier: very calm and without getting emotional or having long discussions. Don’t answer all their calls. Sorry I’m working so can’t help with that. Sorry I’ve got something on tomorrow so won’t be able to drive you. If they ask what they should do instead, a breezy “I don’t know but I’m sure you’ll be able to work something out” and then end the conversation. Disinterested, indifferent, unemotional. They won’t be able to twist what you say or get into arguments and they will eventually give up.

Agree, computers have been around widly since the 80's, 46% of the population had a mobile phone in 1999 (according to Google) and this rose rapidly over the early 2000's.

Your father had an obligation to you as a child , and he chose to ignore that and live the life he wanted .
He lost any sort of obligation back . I'd remain as people that contact each other occasionally , but nothing else .
His ' other family ' can step up or he can pay for help .

They’re using you. He abandoned you and his first wife.

”Ive been reflecting on my current priorities dad, now my dear mum has passed, and Im going to concentrate on myself and enjoy my life while I can, it’s what mum would have wanted. You know you weren’t there for me when I needed you the most, as your innocent child who grew up with such a lack of fatherly support and love, and I can’t sacrifice my good years on you and your wife when you didn’t do the same for me. I know you’ll understand. All the best of course and hopefully we can catch up at Easter.”

My elderly parents can't do any of that, their electronic gadgets are just not up to date enough and they won't spend to upgrade.

Use of current technology has therefore got away from them. Just yesterday, when my DM said she can't/hasn't used her new airfrier ( bought as a gift for them by someone else), I suggested she used ‘google’ for recipes. Her response ‘I can't ‘google’.

They would also struggle physically to put away a large online shop.
No Uber near them either.

So he basically abandoned you and your mum then chose to lie about his finances leaving your mum struggling. You barely saw him and his new wife for decades.
from these bare facts, I don’t think you have any obligation to help beyond the bare minimum. Unless you want to encourage more contact. But he wasn’t there for you from age 8.

he used to claim he didn’t have the means

Tell them you don't have the means and offer to supply phone numbers of those that do

I think just be limited with the help. Ie. Stop answering the calls. If questioned about it tell them you switch your phone off when working or relaxing. If they complain that you are not helping enough tell them you don't have much time and surely the children will want to help them. You shouldn't need to spell out for them that their relationship to you is different because of your dad's actions and I would avoid this if you can. Keep it neutral bit distant as it will be less trouble.

I grew up in a fairly similar situation to you OP and I think some of the ‘Swivel’ responses aren’t really getting how complex this is for you.

In the end my father didn’t have a partner but he did require care and I didn’t give it and I don’t regret that. He was a leech whose only thought was for himself.

I did offer some practical alternatives and maybe you could do the same.

I am taking it that you don’t want to take the scorched earth route so I would suggest the following

• meet or call your dad and say that you are sorry their health is so bad but you can’t give the support they need
• if they need lifts XYZ taxi services are good.
• if they need food delivery suggest he organise tesco or other delivery
• meals can be delivered by XYZ service locally

Explain that your life is busy and after all these years you can commit to a once every two weeks visit but that’s it.

If he responds negatively then you have a clear answer here - he just wants care and doesn’t care how he gets it.

Good look OP and hold your line!

I’m going against the grain here from much of the advice given about explaining to your Dad and his wife why you won’t be providing care and saying don’t explain anything to them. Your Dad and his wife, considering your history with them, have extremely unrealistic expectations given their own behaviour historically. To me they sound very high in narcissistic traits. Based on that I think you will get a lot of pushback if you try to explain why you won’t be caring for them. I think simply saying “that isn’t the relationship we have” Without going into any further details is best.

There is a rule with narcissistic sorts that you don’t JADE with them. That means don’t justify, argue, defend or explain anything to them because it just opens you up to get in to a well rehearsed pattern of behaviour from their life where they use well worn manipulation tactics against your arguments against you to try to get their way via manipulation.

You can never bank on wills though.

My friend's (very wealthy) dad did something similar to the OP's, although he paid some maintenance and her mother got enough money in the divorce to buy a modest house for her and their 2 kids. He always told friend and her sibling that all his children (he had a child with his 2nd wife) would be treated equally in his will.

When he died, it turned out he'd made a new will a couple of years earlier, when they sold their £2.5m house and bought a posh flat, and everything went to his second wife and her child. Friend and her DB got £500 each!

How old are your parents, for heaven’s sake?

I would have a direct and practical conversation along the lines of
“Dad I can see you and DW have increasing need for support and I think we need to be realistic. I had xx years of looking after Mum and know how big a job it is. I need to be honest, for all our sakes, and say I can’t take on what will become an even bigger job for the coming years. So let’s make sure you have the right support. I can do one day a month helping with xyz. Have you got a Macmillan Nurse? Let’s look into attendance allowance and getting someone once a day to help with showering / cleaning / cooking / gardening (whatever is needed). “

I wouldn’t choose this moment to ‘throw it all back in his face’. You have been gradually increasing contact and not let him know how you feel. Treat this now as a practical issue - which it is , though obviously and understandably it has stirred up deep resentment against his careless abandonment.

It may be good, when the time is right, to unfold those issues with him. Tell him you missed him as a child and it felt odd to see him so rarely. Tell him it’s hard because you felt you needed to support your mum who struggled with poverty and single parenthood. Just tell him how it felt from your pov. But without blame or criticism: he will either take that on for himself or he won’t.

Why should OP need to do anything? Their care and support needs are not her responsibility. She should offer the same amount of care and support provided to her by her father when she was a child, i.e. absolutely fuck all.

Please be firm and set boundaries now before it goes too far. Don't always be available and have a much needed discussion a little what you can offer.

My MIL is awful to me and DH, but great with our kids. She has told us she isn't going into a home and expects to be cared for by us. I've already told her and DH this isn't happening. Frankly our marriage wouldn't survive if.

I'm sorry about the passing of your mother OP.

This. There are resources for older people, and those suffering from Cancer, such as Mcmillan cancer support etc. At the very least I would contact Adult Social Services to find out what help they could access.

The egotistical entitlement of people like your father and his wife, never ever ceases to amaze me. He walked away from you when you most needed him, and has given you zero since. Are you in his will? Will you be inheriting his house?

How would you know? She has step siblings, care home fees are a possibility, as is her dad dying first and his wife leaving her out completely. You can never rely on inheritance.

I am in a similar situation, except it is my parents. They have lived a very selfish life where they have only put themselves first. They now think I will continue to put themselves first and I won't.

I have written a list of all the thing they have done so that when my better nature starts to get the better of me I can come back to reality. They will reap what they sowed.

I'm afraid that I can be pretty blunt in situations like this - I'd probably tell them I consider him as just a sperm donor rather than a father, as that's all the responsibility he's taken towards you over the years. Then add some of the previous suggestions from this thread along the lines of making beds and lying in them.

A pp said they are just trying to use you for free care rather than having to pay for it themselves, which I agree with. Either they can get free care from the local authority, or they have enough money to pay for it themselves - money they have because they failed to support you or your mother when you were a child.

You survived perfectly well for the majority of your life without contact from them, if this means they go NC with you then fine, you have more time for your real friends and the rest of your life.

You can allow yourself just as much guilt as I'd imagine your father had when he deserted you and your mother all those years ago - none!