At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

I suppose for many women it depends upon their priorities in life 💰 🤑

You never know what will happen in life. My dad was twelve years older than my mother. He's hale and hearty in his eighties while she died fifteen years ago.

I also have a friend in her sixties whose husband is in his late forties and they are doing fine.

I myself will retire a good couple of years before Mr Honeyfox but he has a healthier lifestyle than me so who knows what will happen!

My exhusband left for a 17 year old. He was 32. He controlled everything financial in their relationship. She didn't buy car insurance or know anything about their mortgage etc until he had a major mental health episode in his 50s and she had to take over. He'd done it all before in his adult life so , when they met , she moved from her parents house into a rented flat with him and he appeared knowledgeable and sophisticated so she deferred to him in everything . It made sense to her , and he enjoyed the control of someone who was very naive ( he and I were the same age and learned about mortgages etc together). Very unequal set up.
A friend of mine is 59. Her husband is 69. She said that she had children earlier than she would have chosen to because he didn't want to be an older dad. She would have waited another 10 years but , of course, he'd have been ten years older too. They had many good years in the middle period ;she wasn't too young, he wasn't too old. But now she's free of children and wants to be doing things and getting out and enjoying life he's 69 and wants to embrace being old before his time and wants to look after the garden and not go very far. She's feeling very frustrated.

I love an afternoon nap. I also run marathons regularly but I applaud anyone who can and does nap!

I’m 63 and DH is 74. The gap does not really matter at the moment. He’s fit and well. You can never predict how someone will age. A friend’s DH is ten years younger than mine and had just been diagnosed with heart failure.

🙋‍♀️ I’m 52 and my husband is 78. We’ve been together almost 20 years. He became a father figure to my 3 young kids when their own father couldn’t be arsed.

He’s got more energy than me, isn’t grumpy and I would say we still have an excellent relationship compared to almost all my friends. That’s because of him as an individual. He’s close to my parents age (until they died) but in terms of attitudes and outlook he certainly doesn’t follow any stereotypes there.

Sure he’ll age more, I may not have him around by the time I’m 60 or even 55. However I’ve had 20 years of:

• no affairs or indecent behaviour around other women
• him doing more than his fair share in terms of housework
• us rarely arguing and mostly (!) being respectful
• him always putting the kids and I first
• him working hard and earning a great salary (as do I)
• him sharing the emotional load
• us being best friends and enjoying the same things
• him supporting me in living my dreams, always being there for me
• him listening to me and helping me out
• him looking after me when I’ve struggled with health
• him truly being devoted to me

Sure things will be hard in the future (and from the tone of this thread I’m sure some will relish that for me) but over the years I’ve seen friends go through hell. I know 4 friends whose partner died in their 40/50s. I’ve seen numerous divorces and affairs. I’ve seen partners become disabled and have ill health far younger. I’ve certainly seen friends have much worse relationships with younger men who they cant rely on. I doubt I will ever look for another man as the relationship won’t compare (and I enjoy my own company anyway).

So all in all I’m happy with my choices. God it’s a million times better than my first marriage to a man my age!

We have talked at length about the future, made plans than will ensure I am ok financially and in terms of having a break and being able to pursue my own interests. We are lucky that we have had good jobs and he an excellent pension that will afford carers and help to reduce the actual caring burden on me. He encourages me to find care for him if it becomes necessary.

Yes im aware it will still be utterly crap when he becomes unwell / frail. But then it is for many women who have to worry about their own ill health and age at the same time. This of course was a risk when I met him but how many people can really say they had 20 amazing years with a great man. I’ve lived my life so much already.

All in all I think I gambled and won but I knew it was something different when I met him. I was also a high earner, independent with my own interests and happy to be alone. Would I recommend it to anyone else? I don’t know. I think it’s highly individual and we’re a case of two people just truly meeting each others needs who happen to have a large age gap. Outlook, lifestyle and beliefs are more important to me than age.

So there's a seven year age gap between dh and I. I've really noticed it as I've started menopause and he's not yet 40 and still in his prime.

A friend had a 16 year age gap, they began to have issues when he hit his mid forties and she was late twenties

I expect he'll be dead before I retire.

That’s true, I suppose I have always been the kind to think ahead though and sometimes overthink things so it wouldn’t be for me

We have an 18 year age gap and no regrets. I’m 50, he’s 32. Been together 5 years and live apart.

I have no idea what the future holds. But that’s true of any relationship. Nothing is guaranteed. All I know is that we make each other happy in the here and now.

Agree with this.
I knew a couple years ago, similar ages, married a few months and he was paralysed in an accident. Awful, but nothing to do with their ages.

And older people don't necessarily need carers. My mum is late 80s, she's has a cleaner once a week, doesn't require any other practical help.

My parents are in this position, dad is 12 years older than my mum, he's just turned 85, of really poor health, he can't shower by himself/make meals etc. She on the other hand is fit as anything, hugely active grandma, great social life. She obviously still loves him but it's no longer a husband/wife relationship but a patient/carer relationship.

Not sure if consciously or unconsciously but I've gone the opposite was and am with a man 7 years younger!

My aunt married a man 20 years older. It was fine when they were 25/45. But when they were 50/70 he was old and she wasn’t. She divorced him.

A family member has a 10 year gap. Stereotypical second marriage. She’s a very young 50, he’s an old 60 with three teenagers plus grown up children from his first marriage. When we saw them at Christmas her irritation was palpable. He’s taking himself off to bed for an afternoon nap while she’s playing football in the garden. Our kids are similar ages to his second family and while DH and I are looking forward to the next stage of our marriage as kids grow up, I can see she is dreading it.

There is 13 years between my and DW,(same sex relationship). We have been together 9 years. She's 70 now, still working part time and fit and healthy. I'm 57.
I can honestly say l didn't even think about when we got together, but now I'm worried about the future. Love her though so we will make it work

As you get older and see terrible things happen to people far younger than you, you realise more you can't plan your future.

When I married at 33 I didn't marry for what may be in my 60s or 70s. I did it for the life I had then.

I do think the constant harping on about being a carer for your spouse is a bit boring now. There are no guarantees in life. I'm almost 40 and not in the best of health. I know people in their sixties who run marathons. It depends on the person(s) involved.

Illnesses happen. Accidents happen. If you find happiness with a person and genuinely get along I think it's a shame to let worries about a future that hasn't happened yet prevent you from a good relationship.

15 years between me and my dh and while I often joke about getting him off to the care home so I can bugger off on girls holidays, I am very happy.

You just can't tell with these things.

I know of one 10-year gap, two 20-year gaps, and one 30-year+ gap.

The 30-year couple are still together although they're not married. He's late 70s and she's mid forties. They both thought it was madness and called it off several times, but she said she couldn't bear to be without him.

The women in the other couples were widowed in their 60s or 70s. None of them ended up as carers.

I know another woman who is with a much older man, but I don't know how old he is. I'd say there's a 20-year+ difference. They have a young child together.

This isn't a safe assumption. I remember reading how Bill Roache and his wife had discussed how she'd manage without him as he was so much older than her. Except she died suddenly and obviously unexpectedly and he is still going strong in his 90's.

I have two relatives with a 15yr age gap with the DH being the older party. In both cases, the DW had children around the age of 35, had a few years off work or working part time with young children and was then able to pick up their career when their fit & healthy DHs turned 60 and retired. 10yrs on, it's not working out so well. The DC are at Uni, in one case, the DH is kicking around at home seemingly a bit bored whilst the DW still works when, in his friendship group, the DWs are also retired and the couples are off travelling or doing things together. In the other case, the DH is showing signs of dementia and the DW is wondering what her future will hold and whether she will be juggling work with caring responsibilities having only just finished caring for her DC and with elderly parents to add to the mix and is also wondering what her own retirement will look like.

For me it always matters. If I was to just have a bit of fun, FWB type thing, it doesn't matter. But for a serious relationship I want to be at the same life stage with someone. No one wants to be my carer down the track and I don't want to be anyone else's until we both are at that stage.

When I was single after 26 years I had a fling with a 25 year old. That was fun but it was never going to be serious. He would want kids at some stage I wouldn't be giving him those. And he wouldn't want to be my carer down the track while still young. So the day he said he thinks we should start dating not just sleeping together was the end of our fling. He actually reached out again recently after a few years but I'm in a serious relationship now so it's not to be.

Yeah, but what state will he be in when you retire and how will that possibly affect how you spend your retirement, after spending many years working I certinally wouldn’t want to then spend my retirement being a carer or stuck with someone who wasn’t well enough to travel / do all the things I have planned for my retirement….it just wouldn’t be for me

7yrs here.

It’s become noticeable now he’s over 50, and suddenly not in the best of health.
It’s luck though - we've sadly been to two funerals of people in their 40’s this year, no one knows what their long term health issues may be.
I do fear that I will be a carer much younger than my peers though, and that’s with a fairly small age gap.

@Orangesinthebag we will retire around the same time, I expect.
However he is a trade & can do odd days if he wants to, whereas I am self employed & will need to close down my business

When I turned 20 my Dad wasn't even in his 50s! He was a few years short of his 50th birthday. Now I'm in my mid 40s and he's over 70. Can't imagine being married to a man several years older than my Dad, either at 20 or 45.

When I was in my mid 20s I dated a man who was 17yrs older than me. I feel like at the time the relationship was fine. We didn't have a massive maturity level difference, and had loads of fun together. I genuinely did not see the problem and didn't think of life in say 30 years, it just did not cross my mind. Now I'm in my 30s but so fucking glad that we didn't last, my parents have just retired together and are enjoying an active retirement, but when I'm their age he'd have been 80! A friend is dating a man 20 years her senior and tbh I just see him edging to retirement whilst all ur other friends are having babies

I think it is a personal choice but I think anything much more than 5 years works long term. Me and DH are the same age and its really lovely to go through big milestones together and I think we understand each other better because we've grown up at the same time. I don't see a problem with a big age gap for a short term thing, but I think there's a actually quite a small window when your both of a similar age to make it work