At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

I think online dating has increased the number of age gap relationships significantly so I imagine there are a lot of people reassuring themselves that it will all work out.

This thread is fascinating.

It's seems quite a few of those in age gap relationships reassure themselves that life is all a game of chance anyway so why stress about something that might not happen? Their DH is incredibly youthful and fit etc so they reason that they will be the exception and defy the odds. It's a bizarre optimism bias when you consider that age is a massive risk factor for almost all of the main diseases and illnesses that ultimately lead to death. Look on any mortality chart by age and it is obvious that deaths are significantly skewed towards the old. Yet some on this thread would have you believe that we all have a similar chance of dying at any age so they are taking on hardly any additional risk in return for a huge amount of happiness. This just obviously isn't the case!

I also think the scary thing is that life experience teaches us that isn't always obvious who will have a fantastic old age and who will deteriorate rapidly. You can become a carer for your super fit, fun loving 60 year old DH in a very short amount of time once start entering the danger decades.

Not many replies regarding the retirement issue which I think must be the biggest one as couples get older.

The ideal surely is retire around the same time and enjoy that time together, particularly early retirement when you are both healthy enough to enjoy it.
I still wonder how it plays out when there is a significant age gap.

My mum met her husband when she was 39 and he was 61. She ended up being his carer when he was 80 and she want even 60. He's since died but she had to do everything including toileting. It's ok before elderly age but things go downhill rapidly. It always made my skin crawl a bit but my mums very insecure

My DH is 14 years older. Never been a problem for us. The death thing doesn't bother me too much as it's something I accept. Of course I hope he lives as long as possible but I would rather deal with grief in my 60s than my 80s. My uncle died at 91 a few months ago and my aunt is just a few years younger and not dealing well at all. From what I see the older you are when you lose a spouse the more likely you are to just give up, not cope and that's so sad.

I did a stint working as a relationship therapist, based on that, I’d say when men hit their mid-60’s, and the women are much younger. The large age gap that may have once seemed small and insignificant often becomes HUGE.
I didn’t really see enough couples where women were significantly older to make comment.

I’m noticing the same. I think age gaps always seem more extreme when young or old. My DH is only two years older than me but has a group of male friends a decade or so older who all seem to be very suddenly showing their age in terms of physical appearance, health problems and general mental outlook.

2 relationships with 15 year age gap in my family:
Couple one M older than F, he was very young in outlook and physically - were married for nearly 60 years until he died at 95
Cpuple two F older than M, now married nearly 40 years and are very similar in health, outlook etc
Both navigated well through any age differences in their relationships due to good communication and a loving foundation
Ive only had one big age gap relationship and it failed due to sexual incompatibility (age related) so am not a great example and will stick to relationships within my own age group

I started a relationship with my ex husband when I was 19 and he was 32. I thought I was mature and the age difference was fine.

When I was 32, I looked at my lovely 19 year old students and was suddenly appalled. The gap in life experience is huge.

A friend of a friend is in a relationship with someone much younger. He is nearly 50 and she is early/mid 20s. They've been together for a few years now. She's so obviously looking for stability following her parent's messy divorce. She hangs off his arm constantly, just desperately clinging on to him. It's really sad to see her like this. I hope she finds her way in life. He isn't it, he's a bit of a dickhead and laps up the attention she gives him. I hate seeing them together, the equilibrium is so wrong.

This makes me think of S Fry and his husband. I'm a big believer in love is love and on the one hand, I think it's beautiful, but on the other, I wonder what on earth they have in common.
Also some uneasiness about the whole thing, but I'm aware it's none of my business and I don't know them. I hope they live long happy lives together.

There's an 11 year age gap between me and DH. I did think before I married him about what might happen as he aged, but accepted the likelihood of ending up alone, I loved him and accepted it as a price worth paying. As it happens, there was the same gap between my parents, but my mum died when she was 75 and Dad lived on for another 11 years. That made me realise that you can't take anything for granted and I am glad that I hadn't let the prospect of being alone stop me from marrying him. Having said that, DH is aging quickly now and there are a few concerns about cognitive decline. I still don't regret marrying him, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't apprehensive about the future.

They are still married now and that would be coming on maybe 15 years (I met my friend in 2007 and they were together then - I cannot do maths) so it seems to be working. I remember finding it odd because he looked fairly decrepit to me but she seemed very happy and they have two daughters together.

Not every older man is richer than the younger woman he dates and not every woman is a golddigger.

Christ, @JHound, a woman in her 20s marrying a man in his 50s?? They will be divorced in a decade.

V dodgy behaviour by the man. What will he have in common with her?!

In general, I think around 10 years as a max.

The older generation tend to stick with their vows. In sickness and health even if it means giving up their own freedom and life to do so.

I'm not sure that will still apply in 15/20 years time. I don’t fancy looking after anyone to be honest.

I am the same, but there is a bigger age gap for us. I do not have children either (I don't want them - but I am very aware that I will be alone at some point).

I've told him he has to live until 112 so we can die at the same time and I can still grow old haha. (Obviously, I'm joking).

NC for this as it's quite specific.

When I was 21 I dated my boss for about a year. He was older than me, but until a couple of days ago I didn't actually realise how much older. I was in my first job working for a massive corporate, trying so hard to be noticed in my very male dominated industry, in a different country, and he was very good looking, extremely charming, he wasn't from the UK so there was quite a lot of intrigue on my part, and it was at the time, a really exciting experience and relationship which ended when he was moved (by the company) back to his country of origin.

Facebook told me he celebrated his 60th birthday last week. I'm 46 now, so he was 35 when we were together. Having had the life experience I've had, I find that age gap quite difficult to get my head around.

The irony is that my partner of nearly 8 years is 14 years younger than me. We got together when I was 38, and he was 24, we raise my two DC (14 and 13) together along with our DS3.

Some may say I'm hypocritical, and maybe I am, I do however think the imbalance of power in the relationship I had with my boss might explain why that age gap seems so much greater than that which I have with my partner.

I wonder how many women are married to much older men that are not high earners, just out of interest...

I married my second husband and he had money. I didn't marry him for that money, however I absolutely wouldn't have married him without it. I'd have dated him, introduced him to my children, spent lots of time with him. But we would have lived separately and I would have continued to claim my 25% council tax rebate etc as a single person. I wouldn't have married someone who made me poorer. Having rebuilt my life, bought a house and a decent car I wouldn't have compromised that security by marrying a man with no money. That would be spectacularly stupid.

My one priority in life was to ensure I could support myself, after being brought up on benefits. I now out earn my husband and have the capability to go further, should I want to. Don't know if I can be arsed. He is widing down career wise and happy to pick up home stuff.

@whomovedmycat May I draw your attention to the use of the word "many".
My husband did the same btw, but he's only 5 years older than me.
May I ask what your husband does for a living?

Yes you’re right - My husband rearranged his work hours so he could do school picks ups for the children who weren’t biologically his… so I could chase my dreams and earn more than him! That’s what you meant right?

This is in part so individual though. My 78 year old husband is nagging me to go on a hiking trip on the Appalachian trail, is eyeing up a new motorbike to go on long rides with his friends, volunteers and still works part time!