At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

The cynical feminist in me thinks it's just men looking for the best deal they can get as usual to be looked after

Exactly what I think. And despite being looked after they often wear the pants in these relationship too. There was another thread on here recently about a woman who is about 32 she got with her partner when she was around 22 and he was 35.

She now sees how imbalanced things are and how the reason their relationship has tickled along nicely for so long is because she rarely challenges him or demands much from him. And now that she is using her voice - he is struggling to handle this.

There are men who literally replace their wife /partner for a younger more compliant woman every couple of decades.

I would not be happy if I had a 22 year old daughter who decided to date a nearly 40 year old.

Have friends in their 30s who are with men 20-25 years older. All lovely now but when they are in their prime of life looking after essentially another parent aged person requiring care it'll be shit.

My aunt had a husband 20 years her senior who was requiring lots of dementia care in his 70 when she was at prime age to have been enjoying life.

It's not for me, no chance.

The cynical feminist in me thinks it's just men looking for the best deal they can get as usual to be looked after.

I was married to a much older man. He died of undiagnosed prostrate cancer, after twenty one years together, when it wasn't as easy to cure. We had a love of architecture (and travel/adventure to see said architecture). We both liked the outdoors, shared the same politics (we lived in Thatcher's Liverpool) had the same beliefs. It was the 80's and AIDS had hit, I loved my DH's compassion. We had the same attitude to religion, we both came from very Catholic areas. We liked the same books/films and quiz shows. But then I'd say our generation grew up a lot quicker and I came from a political family and we didn't need I.D to have a drink etc. Even now the teens around me aren't as incapable as described on here.
Posters on here think that if you live a certain way, your health will be fine. As said, unfortunately it doesn't work like that. A lot if the WC men in their 50's have health issues. We've all suffered via passive smoking and some men by a lack of health and safety/lifting restrictions. Men can have heart issues no matter what they do. So the women around me in their late 50's, mobility/pain wise are physically ten years younger.

Why derail the thread?

Problem is, when I was 28, I was dating a 41yr old. Continued to do so on and off for the next ten years. He was very wealthy and just before we met had an extremely bad divorce so wouldn't marry me, so I eventually left.

It was the happiest I have ever been. It's not so much about wanting an older man. It's about the men my age being immature fuckwits in comparison. I have an old head on my shoulders and my male peers were just unfunny, uncultured egoists who didn't have their shit together in any sense but all thought they were gods gift. He, however, was perfect.

Why so defensive?

It's all very well saying, but my partner is 77 and runs daily marathons, yet I am unwell at 30.

There are always outliers, but statistically the older you get the higher risk there is of develeoping health issues.

I gave my opinion on the thread, not that I have to justify myself.

I think it's worth discussing for anyone considering dating & wondering what an age gap relationship might be like in reality and in the long term.

Why come on a thread to discuss the issue then, why not just scroll past?

I've seen people die at every age. From childhood to 90 year olds. I'm glad I haven't built my life on what ifs. I could get the female cancer which killed my cousin before her 47th birthday with 6 months of diagnosis. Thankfully her loving husband nursed her.

And I'd not change a thing about my life even if a potential future for me could be a divorce or bleaker because it would mean my amazing DD would never have been born. And she is worth more than anything. And I see my husband's values in her. Good, solid, strong and a bit of a joker.

It's only life. Yours to live as you choose.

I'm 60 and he is 70 btw

I'm the same. We have been very happy though so I don't regret it. But we have often said to each other that we would prefer if we were closer in age.

Well I hope I was mature at 22 as that was when I chose to get pregnant for the first time with my now husband who was 38.
Perhaps I was more mature at 26 when I got pregnant with my second child and my husband was 42?
We are still together 21 years later and my children are now 18 and 14.
Despite me being considerably younger I am the one with multiple health issues so there is a good chance he will be looking after me in the future.
The funny thing is no-one in real life cares who goes out with who, it just seems one of those strange mn obsessions.

I don't but we all have different priorities.

I think it is a valid point worth discussing though.

My point is that's up to them. If they skip happily into a marriage without considering its long term viability, that's their choice.

How is it anyone's business?

Surely the point is that people entering into relationships with a sizeable age gap don't think about it in terms of "wanting to become someone's carer", that isn't their intention or proactive choice.

If only they did think in those terms!

Instead they see things from the present day perspective and the future doesn't really enter their head.

My husband is 12 years older at 68, he has cancer and has slowed down considerably recently but I have been chronically unwell on and off since I was 33 so 20+ years he's carried me.
I hope I can capitalise on the age gap and my health picks up again to the extent I can return the kindness over the next few decades.

You just never know what life throws at you.
We still have fun, we spent two months last summer traveling round Europe, are currently viewing holiday homes on a UK island and planning to downsize to another self build.

I do worry I might be on my own for years as my mother is (40 years a widow) but that's life isn't it.

I know of 2 , 25 year plus age gap relationships . Neither is happy.
one now has a 54 year old with a dying 80 year old husband. The truly awful bit is the teenage children. The wife is old before her time and has the mentality of someone older because she has been with an old man for so long.
The other has a 40 something younger wife who has cheated many times. She is actually embarrassed now to be seen with her late 70"s husband. She even talks about plans for when she is widowed.
He was once the powerful, rich 40 something she fell for at 19.
I would be extremely worried if my child entered into a large age gap relationships as the power balance is wrong and they do place a care burden on the younger partner.

You are right. I feel pressure from DH to retire now, but I don't want to. On the other hand I don't want to not be able to spend time with him before he is unable to do stuff.

My friend is 15 years older than her husband. They've been together years and it was never a factor but I think it could be starting to be now. She has gone part time and is taking some of her pension. She wants to go off in their campervan and travel more but he is stuck with his holiday entitlement. I noticed frustration when I was last with them

Me

We earned the same. We both owned our own homes of similar value.

We fell in love.

And 26 years later, I still love him.

Noone wants to become a carer. But lots of us will become carers for our life partners. And most of us do it because of love.