At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

The age of when the couple got together is more relevant than the actual age gap. An 18 year old with a 30 year old is more shocking than a 30 year old with a 50 year old, despite being a smaller age gap.

That said a 25 year old with a 70 year old is obviously gross. I think age gaps where one person could be the grandparent of the other is clearly about money.

I see many people have raised the 'when he is old, you will become his carer' argument. Some people actually take their vows seriously, in sickness and in health. There is nothing to say my older DH won't outlive me, the likelihood is he won't, but there are no guarantees.

I know of a couple the same age, where the DH has ended up her carer due to illness and disability.

My sister was 24 when she met her partner, then 46

They're still together, 30 years later and very happy. But, he keeps good health and remains active. I'm not sure how easy it would be otherwise

I know she has some regrets about nit having children

And I notice that she invests a lot of time and effort into friendships, possibly aware that her partner is highly likely to die before her?

My point was, once again.

Most 40 yr old women are not remotely interested in 20 yr old men. With good reason.

Some 40 yr old men are interested in 20 yr old women. With bad reasons.

😂😂😂 of course they only want a shag 😂😂 I never suggested otherwise. Not the point I was making whatsoever.

Precisely.

Unlike the 20yo women who want a relationship with the 40yo man.

The 20yo man isn't looking for a relationship with the 40yo woman.

Sorry @arethereanyleftatall but these 20 somethings aren't seriously interested in you. They want a shag so they can tell their mates they fucked an older woman. And this general level of their mentality is why 20 something women aren't interested in them either.

If I had a £ for every time I’ve read ‘age is wrong but I can’t change it’

@JHound I'll add a caveat - 'some'

If this is true why do so many older men feel the need to lie about their age on OLD sites?

It’s funny people claim that 40 year old men are appealing to 20 year old women. While there are instances where that is true if it was the norm then OLD would not be full of men lying about their age to circumvent women’s age boundaries.

My own experience makes me think there are two very different reasons 40 yr old men would go for 20 yr old women (and none of them are commendable or desirable traits);

1. They need their ego stroked via a younger/prettier woman
2. They can't get a 40 yr old woman because they're too savvy and can spot shit a mile off

I’m in my 50’s and had plenty of approaches from men in their 20’s and 30’s but it’s pretty clear they’re looking for sex and I’m really not interested in anyone I could have given birth to (age wise)

Yeah yeah, "cougars". They are the minority of age gap relationships. At 42 now, I can't imagine wanting a 20 something. Ew.

Exactly. But it isn't that the 20 yr old men don't want you. They do. They just can't get you.

** 40yr old men are appealing to the 20yr old woman. But it's not the other way around.

If 40yr old women were more appealing, then the 40yr old men wouldn't be going for the 20yr olds.**

This is where my experience is very much different to yours then. 40yr old women are very appealing to 20 yr old men, i have experienced this myself, as has my sister. Difference is we're not interested in them. Whereas the men are. Because imo men are inherently more selfish as a cohort.

And most 40 yr old women are savvy enough to not be interested in the kind of 40 yr old men who would date a 20 yr old.

So I think one of the reasons 40 yr old men go for 20 yr old women is they can't get women of their own age.

That's been my experience anyway.

I agree. Anything less than 10 years hardly seems worth mentioning. Especially with a younger man.

40yr old men are appealing to the 20yr old woman. But it's not the other way around.

If 40yr old women were more appealing, then the 40yr old men wouldn't be going for the 20yr olds.

The women want the experience, the career, the stability, the shit together. The men don't want that from the woman. They want the prettiness of youth, and often quite the reverse in that they want the lacking of life experience because they know they wouldn't get away with the same shit with a 40yr old woman who's already been there and got the t-shirt.

Yeah yeah, "cougars". They are the minority of age gap relationships. At 42 now, I can't imagine wanting a 20 something. Ew.

To look at it like you're stealing a 20 something away from their rightful relationship with another 20 something is weird though.

@Orangesinthebag If the much younger women is married to the much older and significantly wealthy man, she probably isn't working anyway? So his retirement wouldn't really be an issue?

Good for you, the joy of being 20 was being able to choose my life partner without my parents input or approval.

What's statistics got to do with love or companionship or feelings?

Just pointing out the hard facts.

I love DH to bits, but I am finding the fact that he won't drive any more and his memory failings exasperating. I am basically carrying all the mental load now.

My parents were exactly the same age. Dad died nearly 20 years ago, mum on her own.
A family friend married a man when she was in her 40s or 50s who was I'd say 25 years older than her easily.
He died a year or two ago in his 90s. So the friend's husband who was significantly older out lived my father by 40 years. And my mum will have been alone 20 years more despite her husband being the same age

There is 9 years between Mr Monkey and me (he is the older one). I have to say it isn't really an issue. He is very physically fit and interested in life and has a younger outlook than me a lot of the time.

One looming issue is the disparity in our retirement ages as we straddle mid Gen X and early Gen Y - when changes to state and occupational pensions really started to acclerate. It won't be for another 10 years at least but his first occupational pension kicks in at 60 and his state pension at 67, whereas my first occupational pension kicks in at 65 and my current state pension age is 68 (I expect that to change).

So we do need to sit down and work out a retirement strategy. Currently our plan is to use money from pensions as they come on stream to slowly reduce both our working hours - one of the advantages of a slighty older partner - one of his pensions is a final salary one!

**Problem is, when I was 28, I was dating a 41yr old. Continued to do so on and off for the next ten years. He was very wealthy and just before we met had an extremely bad divorce so wouldn't marry me, so I eventually left.

It was the happiest I have ever been. It's not so much about wanting an older man. It's about the men my age being immature fuckwits in comparison. I have an old head on my shoulders and my male peers were just unfunny, uncultured egoists who didn't have their shit together in any sense but all thought they were gods gift. He, however, was perfect.**

I can well imagine this, and for me it's precisely the problem. 40 year olds (both sexes) are far more appealing than 20yr olds. More confident, more interesting, simply as a result of life experience. So it's easy as a 40 yr old to bag a 20yr old. But it's selfish. You are taking away the 20yr olds opportunity to have a whole life together with someone their own age.

What's statistics got to do with love or companionship or feelings?

Bu all means 'educate' your children, but if we live by statistics no women would ever marry a man.

Totally agree with this.

Very happy for those it's worked out for, but I think for many women when you get to the age your partner was when he met you, and you then look at those who are now your then age, I think I would feel absolutely sick.
To me now, approaching 50s, adults in their twenties are like children to me, their conversation, their lack of confidence. It makes me feel sick that 40/50 yr old men go for 20yo women.