At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

I'm 52, he's 72, we've been together 23 years. I'm a high earner, he's currently a higher earner 😉As I said upthread, this has not always been the case. Money is not what brought or keeps us together.

It doesn't bother me. I love my job.

He was working before I was even born so I think he deserves to retire. I'm hoping he won't get bored but he does have lots of hobbies.

I think age gaps matter more when you are younger, because there is often some sort of "ick" factor about some of them. I knew a man in his mid 30s who went out with a 17 year old.

Ultimately, it is about being on the same page in life regarding how you wish to live, and having an age gap does not necessarily mean you wont be.

I also don't buy into this whole thing about you will be a carer if your partner is older. Anyone can need care at any time... Some people enter relationships with a disabled person knowing they will be a carer. I know a couple who are married... husband is in his mid 20s, and wife in her mid-40s. They are crazy in love with each other, and both disabled. Due to the husband's health condition, he will be lucky to live much into his 30s.

I’ve had 3 husbands - all older (16, 18 & 24 years, in the order) Problems with first, but not age related, he was controlling. He died age 57. Second one was wonderful, age gap never a problem, very young outlook and we loved each other & had great fun until he died suddenly of Legionnaires aged 70. I then married a 77 year old when I was 54 - he’s 91 now, he needs a little help with some things but still gardens, still enjoys life, has a young outlook. We still go away in our motorhome and he was up till 1am partying at a country club on NYE. The only thing that concerns me, is keeping myself healthy in order to be able to care for him if needed. I have two friends who were the older partners in age-gap relationships and had to nurse the younger ones - and did so happily. Love is the thing that matters, if that is there you will find a way.

I don't even think of the age gap...it's just not something that crops up. He works a very physical job and we're both very active.

What is the age gap?

I suspect that @Howmanycatsistoomany is asking about huge age gaps. I mean how many 25 year olds fancy the pants off a 75 year old?

Can I ask how you feel about that?

My partner will be retiring in the next couple of years and I've still got about 20 years of working life.

Yes, it was the only reason. He was bloody lovely. But as time went on it became very apparent that he was ready to wind down while I wanted to carry on with full steam ahead.

We still keep in touch by text, and he’s still bloody lovely, but it’s very, very clear to me that I did the right thing by ending it.

I know a woman who began a LTR in her mid 50s with a man 20 years older. They are still together 20 years on, but he is extremely fit and healthy for his age - still mobile, still mentally alert.

But they were lucky health-wise and both had previously been married and had their children with spouses of a similar age to themselves.

i was almost in a relationship with a cougar, we both were attracted to each other but and it would of likely been mostly just the business side of things, but we seemed to get along and discuss the matter with some obvious flirting but never quite got to the business so to speak i was 20's they were late 40, early 50's

Well your point was utterly pointless then, on a thread about relationships with age gaps.

Would have been very relevant on a thread about people who aren't interested except to joke about who they shagged to their equally dim mates.

There was 3 years between Mum and Dad. He was diagnosed with a severe form of MS and she became his carer for 20 years until he died and was then on her own for 18 years.

Yes I understand that, that could happen to any of us, but with an age gap it is practically guaranteed one will be a carer.

The other end is one partner becomes a carer at some point as one is obviously going to get old and need help from the younger one. Not fair or ideal or any relationship.

Even with a couple the same age, there is no guarantee one won’t end up the other’s carer. People age differently. With many couples the same age, one gets dementia and the other one doesn’t.

Not necessarily. When DH retired and I was working full time (I'm not currently working) he became a house husband.

I don't agree with age gap relationships ever. Five years difference maximum.

If one partner is older (18 and 30-45) I think it's weird and creepy and probably abusive in some ways.

The other end is one partner becomes a carer at some point as one is obviously going to get old and need help from the younger one. Not fair or ideal or any relationship.

Me and DH are 30 days apart and I think it's perfect. We have the same memories of what life was like at the same stages of our childhood and teen years, we are aging together and that is really nice.

@WilfredsPies Did the age gap play a part in why you broke up?

I'm 45 and my partner is 64.

In my case, it was because he was a dirty, greasy biker and I found him very attractive and he was also, underneath, one of the most decent men I had ever met.

Not married, but my experience is a relationship with a man 21 years older than me, when I was in my mid thirties. He didn’t have a pot to pee in. It was me who paid for everything we did together. It’s not why I ended it.

My friend is mid 50s and her DH is almost 80. Been married about 20 years and happy as you like.

We have a 10 year gap and I find it opens and closes. It felt big in the early stages (we met as friends when I was a student and gradually got together), closed in my mid-20s when I was working professionally, opened at mid 30s-40s and roughly 10 years on has closed again. He's refound some energy and realised that his natural youthful fitness had left the room and is working at rebuilding it, and my youthful enthusuasm is sneaking out despite staying fit. Long term the gaps will open and close.

DM and DF were months apart in age but she's been widowed 30+ years.
MiL was widowed 25 years. Neither of us met out FiLs.

Statistically if I lived about 14 years after DH, in a way I'd rather it happens while I've got some stuffing left in me to still find pleasure in an independent solo life. We have our own friends and interests as well as shared and that's always been important to me. I don't want a totally co-dependent relationship because the chances of us dying in close succession are low. There isn't a history of couples reaching a ripe old age together in my family so that's not a familiar expectation to me.

Seeing friends struggling with pairs of aging parents with differing needs, I'm not sure that simultaneous aging is so great for the DCs either. Hopefully they'd have some respite between. Plus we live in an old age friendly area/ house which should help.

There's no guarentees anyway. All we can do is enjoy living together in the here and now and take reasonable measures to reduce the risks of lifestyle aggravated poor health.