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Original poster

At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

290 replies

sparkellie · 03/01/2025 20:15

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

OP posts:
CheeseTime · 03/01/2025 20:39

When the age difference causes the other party to miss out on life in some way. Being able to have a family or having to be a carer or alone for decades because the older one has died.
My friend’s DD is 21 and with her 44 year old boss. Friend is apparently OK with this because he’s rich and good looking. I would not be! Too much power imbalance and risks her job. Friend says she is happy as he looks after her and treats her well (buys her stuff).
Not my business really but I would be sad if my DD wanted a relationship like that.

username299 · 03/01/2025 20:38

I don't have an opinion on it as it's the decision of consenting adults. If you want to care for your husband in his 80s when you're in your 50s, that's up to you.

HeddaGarbled · 03/01/2025 20:37

Statistically, relationships are most likely to survive when the age gap is up to 3 years. 10 years is 40% less likely to last. 20 years, 90% less likely. Those are approximations but roughly right. I looked it up recently for another Mumsnet thread.

JHound · 03/01/2025 20:37

arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2025 20:19

None. Forgone conclusion. I know 3 age gap rels where the woman is 50s/60s and the man is 70s/80s.
The women all hate it (totally different life stages) but feel that they said their vows so will see it out.

Age gap relationships are totally front loaded for both parties.

I do wonder about this. An old friend of mine’s sister married a man in his 50s when she just turned 20. I have most contact since but often thought at 30 he will be in his 60s and when she is 40 he will be in his 70s and surely she would feel the age gap then.

Original poster
sparkellie · 03/01/2025 20:36

Forgottobuymincepies · 03/01/2025 20:28

My dh is nearly 10 years younger. Exh was 15 years older. I left exh when he was 51. I am 53 and nowhere near as old in my ways as he was... He became ill health wise not long after too .. Bloody thankful I went when I did. If anything now dh is grumpier than me. Health wise we are both fine...

That's really interesting, I think it probably doesn't have quite so much of an impact if the woman is older. Though obviously every relationship is different. The fact that more often the man is older and that men don't live as long seems a double edged sword for young women in age gap relationships.

OP posts:
Wolfpa · 03/01/2025 20:35

Comportment · 03/01/2025 20:32

Then why marry such an older man? You could easily have 30 years on your own.

Show quote history

Exactly but when I met him in my 20s the age difference didn’t seem do big. The future is unwritten and if we have many happy decades together before then it will be worth it.

I will also have lots of hobbies to keep me active.

JHound · 03/01/2025 20:35

I don’t think it’s the gap it’s the age of the people.

But even then it really depends on the individuals and their relative maturity.

Behaviour like Leonardo Di Caprio’s will always be gross to me though.

Original poster
sparkellie · 03/01/2025 20:34

WilfredsPies · 03/01/2025 20:23

I’d agree with you OP, but I think the period where it’s a positive thing for the younger party wouldn’t start until they were in their 30s and had decided who they were and what they wanted out of life.

I agree with that looking back, but think I probably would have thought differently at 22+, as I felt grown up. It's only looking back now that I realise how much growing up I still had to do, and how much I would change by the age of 35. I think a lot of marriages don't work out just because we change as we get older.

OP posts:
Comportment · 03/01/2025 20:32

Wolfpa · 03/01/2025 20:25

My OH is 10 years older than me and I often think about death. It’s not ridiculous to think that I could have 20 years on my own. I worry about loneliness in my retirement years.

Then why marry such an older man? You could easily have 30 years on your own.

SleepingisanArt · 03/01/2025 20:29

I know someone who at 50 became a widow after nursing her 78 year old husband through cancer. No children (her step children are the same age as she is and no longer have anything to do with her) she is essentially alone. Claims to have been happy but looks much older than her age and has the opinions and attitudes of someone in their late 70s!

Forgottobuymincepies · 03/01/2025 20:28

My dh is nearly 10 years younger. Exh was 15 years older. I left exh when he was 51. I am 53 and nowhere near as old in my ways as he was... He became ill health wise not long after too .. Bloody thankful I went when I did. If anything now dh is grumpier than me. Health wise we are both fine...

Wolfpa · 03/01/2025 20:25

My OH is 10 years older than me and I often think about death. It’s not ridiculous to think that I could have 20 years on my own. I worry about loneliness in my retirement years.

WilfredsPies · 03/01/2025 20:23

I’d agree with you OP, but I think the period where it’s a positive thing for the younger party wouldn’t start until they were in their 30s and had decided who they were and what they wanted out of life.

Original poster
sparkellie · 03/01/2025 20:22

arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2025 20:19

None. Forgone conclusion. I know 3 age gap rels where the woman is 50s/60s and the man is 70s/80s.
The women all hate it (totally different life stages) but feel that they said their vows so will see it out.

Age gap relationships are totally front loaded for both parties.

Sadly I think the same from my experiences. I wonder if the man is younger it may be different, as women tend to live longer, and in my experience be more outgoing at an older age, so maybe there is less of an impact on younger men in general, or at least until they are in their 60s/70s, rather than late 40s/early 50s?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2025 20:19

None. Forgone conclusion. I know 3 age gap rels where the woman is 50s/60s and the man is 70s/80s.
The women all hate it (totally different life stages) but feel that they said their vows so will see it out.

Age gap relationships are totally front loaded for both parties.

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