At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

And me.

Me, for one.

My husband is 23 years older than me, and we have been married for 30 years. I don't egret a day of it. There have been difficulties which wouldn't have arisen in a more conventional relationship, but there is so much that I am thankful for, and I absolutely made the right decision when I married him.

Some people might decide that having to be a carer and then alone in later life is a price worth paying for decades of love and happiness.

DH and I have been together for 27 years and I wouldn't change that. Do I wish we were closer in age? Yes, so we could have longer together but I wouldn't trade what we've got to be be someone younger.

Why?

With an age gap of 23 years this was highly likely to happen, so what good is it moaning now. Of course he doesn't want to travel the world at 81, jetlag is a nightmare for young people, let alone an octogenarian.

This is probably where the main issues lie in age gap relationships, the younger person not being realistic about the potentials of the future and not willingly accepting it when it arrives.

I often joke I will have to wipe my DH arse and drive him around when he's an old codger. Chances are I might have to, we will see.

I’m not sure I’d label it ‘silly’.

It’s just an inevitable consequence of different life stages (not necessarily age, but age in this case). One still wants to go out/do long haul holidays, the other wants to sit in a chair and read the newspaper.

Seems a bit silly. I'd just be glad my DH was still alive at that age rather than trying to drag the old bastard out of his chair!

We have an age gap of 23 years in our family, now the older half is 81 I’d say it’s an issue, the younger half is always bemoaning the fact that the 81 year old doesn’t want to do anything.

@Hunglikeapolevaulter

'Some people might decide that having to be a carer and then alone in later life is a price worth paying for decades of love and happiness.'

Yes, it is exactly that.

You can project your experience on to everyone else.
I have never felt any sort of imbalance in my relationship. I am a strong, intelligent, opinionated woman which is partly why I was attracted to older men to begin with, the ones my own age were too immature for me!

When people talk about power imbalances, I think they overlook the fact that the younger person often has the youth/looks advantage, and that's a very powerful currency in its own right.

Ultimately I think if everyone is an adult (20 or older, say) then it's their business alone.

Some people might decide that having to be a carer and then alone in later life is a price worth paying for decades of love and happiness.

Having said all that, DH and I are months apart in age and I do really love having the same cultural touchpoints. But I appreciate that other people have their own choices and preferences.

That can happen in any relationship though. DH is 20 years older than me and I've never felt any sort of power imbalance. If there was it would have leant towards me as I was the higher earner until last September.

@DorothysSlipper There will always be a power imbalance somewhere along the line.

Just because you married someone you didn't love, because he was rich? that doesn't mean other age gap relationships are set up like this.
It is possible to have the nice house, money and love.

My partner is 25 years older than me (39 and 64), and we’ve been together about nine years.

I recognise the potential downsides of large age-gap relationships and I went into this with my eyes wide open. He’s very fit, healthy and active, but who knows what the future holds for either of us? Life is unpredictable..

His profession as a performer keeps him young and I can’t imagine him ever totally retiring. I have been careful to retain and build financial and practical independence over the years. We’re both very happy, I fancy the pants off him and I love the adventures we have together, but I don’t want to feel like I’m relying on him financially. This feels more pertinent in a large age-gap relationship but in reality it probably isn’t..

A widow not a wisp!

The situation can arise in non age gap relationships too, pretty commonly. My Gran was the same age as my Grandad and was a wisp for over 30 years. My mum is a year older than my Dad and has been his carer for the past decade or more. Yes there may be an increased chance in age gap but it's not unusual in any relationship for one to age or die younger than the other.

@DorothysSlipper Well at 24 I married a very wealthy man and yes, for all of the wrong reasons. I didn't love him. He turned out to be incredibly controlling as he felt his money was "enough" to keep me. I suppose for some women it would be? As I said before, depends on your priorities.
As I got older I learned that being loved, respected and seen as an equal are far more important than a nice house inside which you are lonely and miserable.

In the case of younger woman-older man.

I think it only matters when the younger woman is less than 20, and when the man reaches more than 70.

I'm thinking of the case of an older friend and her DH. He's about 18 years older than her. That was fine when she was 30 and he was almost 50. But now she's early 60s, and he's 80. He's had what seems like non-stop health problems for the past 5 years and is really dragging her down. He's got very poor mobility and is functionally blind.
She wants to be out and about doing things but she's always got to think about him and his needs. Especially as he's fairly close to housebound now. She's never driven and he no longer can because of his eyes, so they're becoming more and more isolated.

From my own experience (60/70) the issues arise more as the older person begins to move into old age.

Judging from other posts she married for money herself and is now salty it didn't work out so is projecting on to others.

For the same reasons anyone else picks a partner, having things in common such as similar values, views, etc.

My husband is 16 yrs younger than I am. We adore each other. I do everything I can to remain healthy and active.

We have been together since he was 41. I can say that I doubt I would have been interested when I was 36 and he 20. We would have been at very different stages of our lives. When I met him he had been married and divorced with a teenage boy. He was a grown ass man with life experience.

My potential new man (pnm) is 13 years older.
It’s not an age gap I’d usually entertain for a relationship but we got to know each other just chatting first and never with the intention of a relationship and age doesn’t really come up in the beginning, so it was irrelevant initially.
By the time I realised he was someone special, I knew his age but I knew him as a person more and that’s what attracted me.
I’m 35, he’s 48. We’re both on a similar wavelength and he’s not an old 48 if that makes sense.
In contrast, my fwb from last year was ‘only’ 46 but had such an older outlook on life. Physically took very good care of himself but he was an old man!
Will it work out, will age be an issue? Who knows. We’re also long distance so there’s about a million things against us and there’s a whole heap of reasons why it won’t work out, before the distance or age thing even comes into play, so I decided not to worry about it until I actually need to!