I’m getting totally disrespected - I want out

My daughters are in their 30s and would help me out if I asked them. They are busy with work and families but still they do things like cook for us in exchange for us helping with GC/DIY etc. if you have asked and they won't help unless they have a good reason they sound selfish.

Was it a unilateral decision you made to have your mum live with you and is this part of why you need some extra help? What are you asking of them?

Do you have exacting housework standards?

Why is your husband a dick and has this always been the case?

Someone told me that teenagers/young adults being obnoxious is natures way of telling the parents it is time to kick them out the nest. With this boomerang generation that has never been more true.

My daughters went to uni and from there went to their own homes and appreciated more than ever what had been done for them when they had to do it for themselves. Maybe this is what your adult children need. A dose of reality of what it is to be independent

Can you do as another poster suggested and set a family meeting? Tell them that you're going to need them to step up and you'll step back. Be specific. (If anyone refuses to attend you send them an email recap)

-Annie, I've been ironing your bras, I will not be doing that from now on. The iron is in the laundry room. Unplug when done using it.
-Bob, I've been brushing you teeth every night. I won't be doing that, the toothbrush etc is in the medicine cabinet.
-Husband, I've been handling all the shopping and cooking. You'll be taking over the shopping. The list is on the fridge door.
-Mother I've moved you in here and have washed your feet daily. I won't be doing that anymore, there's a long handled brush in the tub for you.

Obviously tailor list to the group/tasks.

Then you sit back and watch all hell break loose. They'll ignore your requests and you will be blamed for lost mail, keys, meals not prepared, clothes unwashed etc etc. You simply smile and say I explained all this to you all on Jan 3. You do not negotiate, do the task, fix the problem created when they opted not to do it themselves.

There is a theory called the extinction burst where when trying to change a behavior it initially become much worse, hits a crescendo during which you MUST NOT give in, then it recedes and the behavior usually improves. As with a toddler learning not to call mama to the crib every 5 minutes, the hardest part is you not stepping back in and doing the thing.

These are capable adults, all of them. Yes you created this monster but its not too late to change. What if you did decide to walk away? They'd have to do these menial tasks wouldn't they? Also for the love of god if you have a son teach him to cook very basic foods, and to do laundry!! We don't need any more helpless adult men loosed on the world, his future wife shouldn't have to continue what you're doing!

Please do some thinking about how you see your life improving and then take steps to get there. Get back into/begin a hobby, make time for your social life, etc.

You sound like a people pleaser and that would be ok if it makes you happy but it obviously doesn't. I suggest you stop doing so much and suggest that chores are shared out more evenly as you are all adults especially if you work. No one loves a martyr and you need time to yourself. You don't get respect by helping people. If you are lucky they will appreciate the help at some point. Can you take a day to yourself as a first step? Just go out and leave them to it.

I love looking after people and I’m happy when they are happy.

There are a lot of people who think that this way of being/ pattern of behaviour is actually a coping mechanism called people pleasing and that it doesn’t really make a person happy in the longer term. Coping mechanisms are usually there because of having to cope with early trauma. People pleasing rarely leads to being respected because if you keep giving the recipients can become expectant/entitled and that doesn’t feel good.

You need to change your behaviour towards them so that things feel more balanced for you. They are taking advantage of your kindness and generosity and nobody likes feeling taken advantage of.

Why is your husband a dick?

Are your kids working and paying rent?

I think you are probably a kind and generous person who is being taken advantage of.
I don’t think you should blame yourself as these are grown adults now who should not be taking advantage. I think you are probably correct though that for you, doing everything when they were little was a demonstration of the love you wanted them to have - and to know they had as your own mother left. It is possible still to love them but also draw some boundaries as to what you will and will not do. And they are no longer little and do not need you to do everything. In fact this infantilises them and so it is right that they should take on responsibility for themselves. So no need to feel guilty.
i am not sure what to suggest about your mother, though - she left when you were a child and Joe tells you that you are too good a mother rather than offering anything constructive?
What would happen if you went away for a week? Just yourself, taking a bit of time to think about what you want?

Time to call a family meeting. Explain that you are all adults and so now it's time for things to change. That means a rota for chores and everyone doing their bit. Spell out for them exactly what your expectations are, eg. They are now responsible for their own laundry. Tell them if they don't like it they are welcome to leave if they don't like it.

As my user name suggests I’m also a sandwich in between young adult children and a mother that really hasn’t ever known how to be kind and who now literally lives near me after having a lot of distance. And it’s made me sad. Yeah. Sigh.

but I’ve done it out of love

But you robbed them of independence, self respect,

It not too late, you don’t have to cook tea, do their washing, pick up after them - they are more than welcome to find their own homes and leave you in peace.

First find something to do outside the home 2/4 nights a week where you look after yourself.

Then make plans every weekend even if it’s a walk in the fresh air and feel better about yourself.

I said you are being unreasonable because if you haven’t communicated what you want from them or are not being clear and assertive and looking after your own needs other people aren’t mind readers and are just in their own heads. I know it would be lovely if everyone was empathetic and naturally unselfish but it’s rare this happens without deliberately designing a household system that works better for you. They’re probably all very comfortable at the moment with you as the household servant sadly. So either a Greek island or some tough love.

It’s so much harder to change when people are in the same routines and habits for years but if you are prepared to make the changes and put up with the fall out then read up about assertive communication techniques and making strong boundaries. No guilt inducing or blaming just positively and clearly stating how you want to live. Obviously it’s going to be challenging. Very good luckOP.

They’re adults! Time they left. And if they can’t – cozza living and all that – they can certainly shape up.

Look after yourself only: make food for you, do washing for you, clean up after you. They’re on their own.

Do you know what is fantastic OP? They are all independent adults so you can actually stop doing anything for everyone and if they don't step up and keep the place how you want it, you can leave.

All of these people can sort themselves out. They are all adults.

Why do you feel the need to wait on them? Perhaps therapy would help you answer that.

Do any of them actually care about you or only what you do for them?

Umm. So stop doing it all?

Just call a "family meeting" and tell everyone that the current system isn't working. You're busier than you used to be, the children are older and more capable now and also need to learn self-sufficiency and prepare for being on their own, your mum's a new addition to the household and whatever she's able to do to contribute will be new to everyone. (I'm assuming it's just the 4 of you.) Then divide up all the shared household responsibilities and set the expectation that each household member also cares for their own rooms, cleaning up after themselves, etc. unless someone genuinely isn't capable. Sure, go away for a solo holiday too - but get the core issue sorted out first so you're not dreading going home. Adventure's great, but your everyday life shouldn't be something you're wanting to escape because people around you are selfish.

The weirdest thing is, no one appreciates you while you are doing everything. You're invisible until you stop, at which point they start appreciating you. It's so irritating.

Where can you go for a week or a fortnight? Sort something out for mum if needs be.

How old are the kids?