I’m getting totally disrespected - I want out

I am in a similar situation to you OP, minus the sick parent but with a disabled husband instead. Becoming increasingly resentful of them all, esp my sons age 22 & 19. DS 1 is messy, he likes to cook & makes dinner fairly regularly but he leaves the kitchen like a bomb site.DS 2 is just lazy. They are supposed to do their own laundry but on the odd occasions they actually bother to do any they leave the wet washing in the machine and go to work/uni etc so I end up hanging it up to dry which takes longer than bunging it in the machine!

I work shift shifts & often come home to sink full of dishes, kitchen a mess, towels on bathroom floor etc. They were actually better when young teens as if I was working weekends i would whatsapp them a list to pick from & they mostly did it. Now they are too busy,have plans, essays to write etc. Always an excuse! I have a dd too who is better than her brothers but it bothers me that she is expected to take on the chores while they laze about just cos shes female!
This new year im setting my own boundaries! Starting with laundry! I won’t be doing it for them. If they leave wet washing in machine it will go in a basket for them to deal with whenever! Tough shit if they find their work clothes are wet. Hopefully it will teach them to prioritise laundry over playstation!
I’ll be watching this thread for tips!

One of the best things I ever did was go back to work, OP. It wasn't even about the badly-needed money, but more about not being available for everyone else and them seeing me as a person instead of a series of functions for facilitating an easier life for them. It improved my self-esteem and widened my social circle as well. I don't have a "career" kind of job atm, but one which I like, and am lucky to feel like I have landed in a supportive, nurturing environment. (Very rare these days, I know.)

Well done for getting your thoughts in order and deciding to give yourself priority to enjoy life more!
There are several strands operating here. In no particular order:

Your mother - you have your own reasons for wanting to be a dutiful daughter even though she was not a good mother to you. You mention palliative care which suggests that there is a time limit to this situation. Can you arrange with a hospice for respite care from time to time to give you a break?

Your husband- You mention he speaks to you in a 'derogatory manner ' which will set the tone for your children's behaviour too. I have read that contempt is the number one marriage-killer. Do you see yourself wanting to grow old with him? You have a job so in your shoes I would try to squirrel away a potential running-away fund just in case. It can a!ways pivot to a 'fun fund' if your marriage improves - or doesn't.

Your children - As many posters have pointed out, it is time to make them more responsible for themselves and contribute to the running of the household. For example, very stripped-back personal services and no more laundry. You need your time and energy for yourself. Your days of skivvying
are DONE. Have you had any conversations about how they see their own future homes? Perhaps you could mention the idea of down-sizing in the near future to unsettle their cosy expectations a bit. They are taking for granted that you will always be doing what you do.

The menopause - This is a natural time for reassessing one's life. Once through to the other side many women find they have a new kick-ass energy for life and do not take crap any more! I hope this will be your experience too - it's great!

A new you - @NameChanged9 wrote a brilliant post fizzing with ideas to exp!ore! I am going to follow up a couple of suggestions myself!

I really hope 2025 will be a game-changer for you! Good luck!

Ugh I actually cannot stand young adults having put up with them all through Christmas. My dsis (21) expects to be waited on 24/7. Dm puts up with it and caters to her every request for fear of upsetting her. It's pathetic tbh. She moved her bf in for the whole of Christmas and dm cooked him a fry every day while he and dsis stayed in the bedroom all day with no input at all to the household. Dm is a mug and I told her this.

Also dh nieces & nephews are all the same age. They don't want to pay their way towards anything. We got pizzas for the adults and low and behold all young adults and their other halves appeared and ate most of the dominos , about 3 slices each. Why the eff can't they get their own? Lazy, entitled little sh**s , they all work but still expect handouts from older family members all the time. Bloody joke. I hate them all 🤣

👏👏

I totally hear this. My house is full of inefficient men and there's me running around shouting while they ignore me. I've recently told DH that if it doesn't change I'm leaving as I don't want to be this person who shouts all the time. I think I mean it, I think he believes me. Short term I've researched local hotels and I can get a room for around £40 per night if I need to escape short term. Enough is enough.

tell the adult children what you expect in terms of their contribution, whether that is responsibility for meal prep/housework - if they don't accept this, then give them a deadline to move out by.

Adult children?? Fuck the lot of them. Move out. Sell up. Buy a one bed cottage and don't pass in your new address.

If you've asked for 'help' and they say yes but don't do it then you need to down tools.

Laundry is the easiest because it doesnt really affect you but they will notice pretty quickly. Just do your own plus towels.

Cooking . I think it'd feel petty to not cook more if you're doing it anyway but if you're off out or just fancy a sandwich or ready meal then say you won't be cooking and don't.

With shopping I assume they give you food money, you could reduce it and only shop for family meals, they can go and buy their own snack food or specialist items.

You can't get away with not cleaning the house without it affecting you unfortunately.

Incidentally on 'helping you' that's really unhelpful framing - it suggests the housework is your job and they're graciously lightening the load.

I don't really think there's a way of forcing them to do their share, chances are they'd live in a dump rather than do anything. And you'll be accused of nagging if you have to remind them to do their jobs.

I'd be asking them to leave, not because they aren't helping but because they are being so disrespectful.

I think you make a decision to do this, and you keep pressing on with this regardless of how much pushback and complaints you get from your family members.
Apparently you should commit to something for 21 days for it to become a habit. So if you commit to putting yourself first in some way for three weeks, it will become a habit.
if you are a people pleaser, and I am one (a more positive way of looking at it is that you see what needs done and do it, or where you can make a contribution to positive change for others and do it), then focusing your efforts for positive action on yourself will seem alien, but actually you can start with small steps. Take a book to your local coffee shop, sit down there with a journal and write down your ideas, join a gym, whatever gets you regular time for yourself. And say no to that time being interrupted.
You have done your bit and more for everyone else already.

@KAYlett
Also, please look into “time banking” as I think you’d be very interested! It’s a way of volunteering in your local community (as much or little as you want - all volunteering is done in one-hour chunks) and an opportunity to make new friends. I think you might really like it!
How timebanking works - Timebanking UK

And, final thing, the charity Barnardo’s has quite a variety of volunteering opportunities. E.g. retail volunteers, volunteer gardeners, volunteer office staff, helpers with children’s activity groups, becoming a mentor/supporter to a child in care to become a consistent person in their life over time who can support them. This “Independent Visitors” page gives more information about the last option: https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/services/national-independent-visitor-network

This is the general page to find out more about Barnardo’s volunteering: https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer

If my posts help, feel free to save them and come back to them over the future weeks or months if that would help you!

Best of luck with gradually finding yourself and putting yourself first! 🤞

Sounds like your husband is the real issue. He doesn’t support you or respect you, and the children (even though older, it sounds like it’s all they’ve known) are following his lead.

Can you get help for your mum?

Crete / Kefalonia / an other beautiful Greek island is waiting for you! Xx

@KAYlett you don't have to leave but you can, immediately, change what you are prepared to do.

It would seem that your focus should be on your Mum (despite your difficulties in the past) Concentrate on that.

As for your husband and children, they're adults and can fend for themselves.

The problem with being a people pleaser is, it's soul destroying.

It makes you ill, it's time to look after yourself @KAYlett

Have a wee think about how you want your life to look and take the steps to make it so.

The rest of them will survive 💐

Five adults in a house is a lot by itself. Is the issue that none of these people appreciate you or that you feel they're stealing your time?

@KAYlett
Plenty of good advice from others about things needing to change for you and ideas for stepping back.
It might be hard, but I hope you manage to implement some of these ideas and things improve for you. When setting your new boundaries, remember not to give in to pressure from others! And keep trying even if you find it hard, as it should get easier with time.

In response to your comments above about finding what makes you happy, try and ask yourself these questions and see if that sparks anything (no need to write answers to them on MN if you don’t want to - totally up to you).

Think back to your childhood, can you remember anything from then that you enjoyed? Did you have a favourite lesson at school? Did you enjoy a certain sport or hobby or club?
Was there anything from secondary school that you really liked/that made you happy? Any extracurricular activities or trips? Any assemblies that fascinated you? Any lessons/hobbies/clubs? Any subjects you were keen to do at O Level or beyond?
Is there anything that makes your heart sing?
Any films you’ve always loved? Any TV shows etc. that you enjoy/used to enjoy? Any concerts, theatre shows or comedians you’d love to see?
Any holidays you used to dream of doing (whether you haven’t yet fulfilled that dream, or maybe you did the holiday ages ago and would love to go again).

There’s lots of questions above and I feel like it’s best to gently probe your own mind. It could well take a while to feel that you know yourself better, but any steps you take is progress in the right direction!

Are there any community groups, clubs or projects you’d enjoy getting involved with? I imagine having something just for you, even just once a week could really help you feel like you’re a higher priority and feel more worthwhile. Just a few suggestions: any exercise classes, Pilates/yoga/Tai Chi, gym session, swimming, aqua aerobics, cycling, walking groups, gardening group, art club/class, sewing/knitting/crochet group, book group (like in a local library), board games group, religious group etc. so many options! Anything that made you think ‘hmm I think I’d like that’ or ‘maybe I could try that’?

If you love helping others, what about any local volunteering you could do? There’s probably lots of places that would appreciate your help much more than your family do!! E.g. charity shops, local museum/animal charity/nature reserve, National Trust/local historical attraction, tourist attraction, volunteering in the day centre of a local branch of a national charity etc.

Tell them if they don't sort themselves out, you'll be leaving and setting up somewhere on your own!

People slag off tik tok but there are a huge number of videos on there about people pleasing and why people do it. Lots of advice on breaking the cycle from therapists. My dearest friend is a chronic people pleaser( childhood trauma and the need to step up and parent her parent at 11) and she has realised a lot about why she feels responsible for everyone else's happiness, why she must prevent any upset etc etc. " Say no, sit with those uncomfortable feelings that you aren't leaping in to solve everything, let the other person absorb the 'no' and solve the problem for themselves" rinse and repeat intil it becomes second nature.

I said YBA because you are enabling the behaviour. You have a house full of adults and you are the skivvy for all of them. I hate housework and there is no way I would be lumbered with everything while everyone else had a free ride.

You need to have a very frank conversation that everyone looks after their own washing etc and household chores are shared. What I've done in the past (with two people) is split all jobs and do them week about so no one can complain they're doing more. A good split IME has one person doing the shopping, cooking and keeping the kitchen clean. Otherwise arguments arise if someone has to do the dishes after a messy cook. It's amazing not to have to think about food for a week.

@KAYlett

I actually agree with this. Maybe not bugger off to parts unknown, but do you have any relatives or friends you could go visit for even a week or two?

My DH and DS2 do appreciate what I do with sort of an 'everyday appreciation'. They do their own laundry, pick up after themselves and the like. But they don't always see the little things I do to keep the home running smoothly. I don't do this with the purpose of making them 'miss me', but every year I go visit my old hometown and stay with my family for a couple of weeks and when I get home I am treated like a queen and told how things 'just aren't the same' without me there. So I say, go. Don't stock up on food, don't scour the house from top to bottom. Don't do the laundry before you leave. Just leave it all to be done.

Go on holiday by yourself with minimal notice. Then when you're back just look after yourself- cook your own food, wash your own clothes etc. don't do anything for them. They'll soon realise.

Seriously, can you just grab your passport and a bag of clothes - quietly - and bugger off for a couple of weeks? Lots of places in Europe are very cheap right now or sign up as a volunteer; make chips and egg and get free B&B in return!!

It’s never too late to go on strike. I bought 3 wash baskets one each for DH DS DSS and told them we are each responsible for our own washing. DS18 DSS17 are ace at doing their own DH regrets never putting g his fresh laundered clothes away and hates doing his own. I’m no longer taken for granted.

This, go away and leave the little shits to sort themselves out, you deserve some YOU time.

If I was to go away on my own I’d go back to Gran Canaria, Puerto Mogan and stay in the LIVVO apartments. I was there a few years ago with my daughter on a girlie holiday, but I could quite easily go there on my own.

Good fir you OP. You'll actually be doing your children's future partners a favour.

I dated a mummy's boy. Nightmare. Couldn't do anything in the house. Had to be taught everything. By me. That's not my job. Put me right off him. As did his lack of gumption to do anything without being told. Or inability to remember how to work the washing machine in order to get out of doing it.

Was the main cause of our split. He was none idle.