AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

Best friend is bridezilla and a massive twat. But think you both probably don’t realise what it will be like to have a 3 month old. Tbh it depends if you breast or bottle feed. I am getting married abroad this year (all children invited and my best friend who will have a 6 month old can have her baby getting ready with us in the morning if she needs and all children are invited all day). I’ve also had a 3 month old abroad this year and it was a piece of cake he basically slept most of the day but mine were breastfed and I couldn’t have put them with my mum all day I’d have spent half the wedding with baby feeding/settling anyway so would have been a waste of time. Different if you formula feed. Very much depends on baby. DHs best friend wouldn’t allow our 2 week old to their wedding this year so I boycotted. “Friends” like that are not friends in my opinion. Book a different holiday for your family and have a lovely time as a new family.

It’s really not tiring looking after a small baby for a few hours if you’re not the person who’s given birth and having sleepless nights.

I was also the first in my friendship group with a baby and it took some years before my friends developed a proper understanding of what it meant to have a little one. It was in fact quite isolating for me and I ended up distancing myself from a lot of them because of it. My closest friendships did recover though, so it's not hopeless in any way - just don't underestimate how you will end up feeling about it. Your patience will not be what it is now. To avoid that, your friend needs gentle but firm educating on the matter. Another point which you can bring up in your response is that by the evening, your mum will presumably be very tired looking after the baby. She will want to go to bed so either she sleeps in the baby's room next to yours or she calls you back to take over from her. If she needs to go to a different location, that'll be essentially it for you and your DH. Frankly, if you can't even enjoy the dinner/evening do, why even bother? I personally was always lucky to be completely physically recovered by 3 months pp, but this situation is inherently stressful and your friend needs to show real understanding for the adjustments this will mean to you or YOU will end up incredibly frustrated with her.

Sometimes It's not just physically difficult but also mentally, at 3 months postpartum I was not ready to leave my son. I was also very sick after giving birth, extremely anemic and couldn't even stand and my son had colic there was no way on earth I could have got on a plane etc. but everyone's different I was speaking to another mum out shopping and her daughter was only two weeks old, she looked great and said she had been out and about loads that's the reason it's hard to plan things because you might be fine but you also might not be.

Unless your friend is paying for exclusive use of the hotel, which seems unlikely, it's really none of her business.

I'd say you're already being incredibly accommodating even going! As is your mum! It can't be much fun for her travelling abroad to sit in a hotel room with a newborn.

"I'm terribly sorry Bridezilla, but unless my mum can be nearby to care for the baby, then I won't be able to attend. Let me know what you want me to do. If you could let me know by XDate so that I can arrange or cancel flights."

I think it's very unlikely she's going to turn around and say okay, don't come.

Have you been in touch with her yet to explain the numerous very reasonable points brought up in this thread? The sooner she understands your point of view and stops bridezillering the better. If she comes back to you with anything other than "Ah yes, I've been a silly twat, sorry, do crack on as you were" that would be it for me. Wedding game over.

OP my original post was vexatiously reported earlier presumably because I swore in it a lot (none aimed at you) but I will re-cap.
I would never go to a wedding abroad, on principle. Even if it were my sister or best friend. But I wouldn't really associate or be friends with anyone who would think of having a wedding abroad - unless either one of them was born there. Having a wedding abroad is selfish bridezilla so there is that straight out of the gate.But then the fact that this person is supposed to be your best friend, expects you to pay out thousands to travel abroad because she won't get married where she lives, then expects you to pay to fly your mother over to look after your baby, but expects her not to stay in the wedding hotel is Bridezilla Personified. She is well being selfish. And 'insensitive' doesn't even begin to describe her. What sort of person would do that to a best friend?

Your own mother watched her grow into a woman from 4 years old, and isn't invited. She is also expected to muck around between two hotels on the day. FFS, that 'friend' of yours rubbish. She truly is. She's a bridezilla and its bad enough making you pay thousands to attend her wedding (not even as bridesmaid, I note), but the absolute limit is her refusing to allow your own mother (someone she grew up with in her life) to stay at the wedding hotel. OP, please get the ovaries (balls) and self-respect to call her out on her bridezilla selfish behaviour. If you are best friends than direct straight talk in a text message should be easy. I personally would cancel. I would never have accepted as its abroad anyway, but she is really being beyond incredibly selfish and bridezilla'ish, and you should explain all this to her in a text message and explain why you're cancelling from the wedding entirely. You never know it may just be the shock that changes her entirely and wakes her up. Please have the ovaries to text her, because her behaviour is absolutely disgraceful and you make excuses about her being 'disorganised', but what sort of person treats their best friend this way? She has shown you her true colours. Given you are spending thousands on her for her selfishness of going abroad and costing you all this unnecessary money, the least she could do is allow your mother to stay at the wedding hotel. If not, cancel and don't go. She's shown who she is. 'Disorganised' is one thing, this is way beyond that as a true friend would put you first and consider your comfort (even pay for you to come).

All sounds like a lot of hassle with a tiny baby.
You might go overdue , have a section?

My first was 7 months old when we first took her abroad. Just me and my DH, driving to France, self catering, all baby equipment provided. Super relaxed, and able to fit around baby's needs. Yet nearly everyone I knew back then thought we were mad to take such a little one abroad and on a long journey.

What you're planning is infinitely more stressful, and is structured around someone else's needs and wants (with an obligation to please her). And with a baby less than half my DD's age!

You’ll be doing the majority of the childcare if you’re breastfeeding as it’s a 24 hour activity in the newborn stage. You’ll need to wear something that is comfy on your breasts as they will leak and so you’ll need breast pads. You could be at the wedding and just thinking about your baby and you’ll get leaking. Your dh can do the nappies and baths. I don’t see what extra your mum would be doing unless she’s like a nanny and you are bottle feeding in which case she can do all the childcare.

TBH I think most of us aren't catastrophising, but giving the benefit of our experience.

DD used to cluster feed when she was tiny so I would have been absent at the evening do.

knows mum would just be upstairs in the room with my baby

And what do you plan on doing if baby screams the entire time? You'll just leave baby upstairs with your Mum and carry on having a wedding party?
No, of course you won't, you'd want to be with your baby and the entire thing would be a complete waste of time and money.

It could all go perfectly, but the chances are that it's going to be extremely exhausting and too much hassle for all of you, I just really really wouldn't bother going all that way for it to probably be a complete waste of time.

I've had 2 babies and at 3 months pp with both of them there were days when I couldn't face leaving the house.

Whether you breastfeed or bottle feed, you're going to be exhausted. You may have follow up hospital appointments. In the months following my first babies birth we had various hospital appointments.

There's just a million reasons why it's a crazy idea, least of all the fact your friend doesn't even want your Mum in the same hotel.

At 3 months neither of my babies left my side. You may find you are the same. You won't know until they're here.

Some random group could come along and book 10 rooms and then what would she do?

You sound like a much better friend to her than she is to you based on what you've said on this thread. Maybe think about that going forward.

Exactly this ... your not taking your child to the wedding as per her wish. You are attending her wedding abroad and your mum is essentially your nanny for the wedding so her staying in your room isn't something that should concern the bride in anyway. Yes its her wedding but you're also her guest and she needs to have some degree of understanding. One double room or what ever it is that you've booked isn't going to end her or her wedding surely... is there an issue with the number of rooms available? Did she specifically check with the hotel what number of rooms was available for her guests and now she's out by one room because of your mum? I doubt it.

Honestly, @BunnyFox , I think I was a much more relaxed 'and baby comes too' mum in those early months, than many Mumsnetters seem to be. But even I, was I to have that time again, wouldn't be attempting this trip. I can only foresee stress and anxiety for all of you.

She is fond of my mum, and knows mum would just be upstairs in the room with my baby, it’s definitely not the case that she thinks mum will down around the party and overshadowing with the baby or anything.

She sounds quite mean about your mum.

I’m also fond of my best friend’s mum and invited her to my wedding as my friend’s +1.

I think your friend sees you more as organiser rather than a valued guest at this point so I would back out of the wedding now.

Why is she having it abroad but not paying your costs if you are her 'best friend'? Are you even her bridesmaid? And why hasn't she invited your mother?

As I said, she is not a friend, OP.

If either not go or go with just your DH or DM. If it’s with your DH then share looking after the baby.
I love a foreign wedding and some of my best holidays were when my DC we’re tiny babies but I would be tempted to not accept this invite.

I see why you need the two rooms. Could you and your dh take turns looking after your baby so that your mum doesn’t need to be there? Otherwise I’d say to not go because it sounds a huge hassle and cost and also it could be tough on you after the birth due to recovering and also not sleeping. I also would say to not not be helping your friend organise her wedding. Tell her that you are tired and need time to rest. She can find someone else to help her or even just sort it out herself.

You don't really need all that. I took mine away at 7 weeks with a sling, I bought nappies over there, we breastfed and coslept, and you don't have to have a car seat in a taxi so we had her in the sling. Although usually taxis can provide car seats anyway these days I think. But I don't think this is the big issue here for OP

If there are other hotels very close to the wedding venue I'd just book one of those instead, since you probably have more chance of a family room and you're paying for it all anyway.

If not, your friend should suck it up. She can't police who books the hotel, and she'd be better off you booking the room than a loud hen party.

Hahahaha yes I'm sure she'd take it really well if the OP said, "No, that doesn't work for me. Have a lovely time."