AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

This is awful to read and I feel so sorry for you. In my friendship group even those who don't like kids/want kids at their weddings wouldn't dream of banning a babe in arms - particularly as this is your first baby. You have bent over backwards to make it work and your friend has now taken it too far. She doesn't sound very kind or caring. There will be other weddings - I would pull out.

Oh my days! No way are you being unreasonable. A friend of ours got married when our baby was also only a few months old and he enquired if we’d be getting a babysitter. I was like, dude, she’s breastfed and attached to me permanently like a limpet. Her sling is now part of my wedding outfit haha! There’s simply no way I’d agree to not having my newborn with me at only 12 weeks old. Have a nosey of The Fourth Trimester. Maybe I’m bias, but our bubba was my favourite and most gorgeous ‘accessory’ haha! X

You mean ex- best friend?

Very entitled, she can't commandeer a hotel and is being insensitive to your needs. You are making the effort to go, your Mum also. You either both stay there or don't go, what's more important to your friend? Just plain stupid and awful 😖

I just wouldn't go if she is being Bridezilla. Can you both stay at a different hotel near by and only say turn up for the ceremony and go back to the hotel. You have attended the ceremony and then go about your day.

You are being remarkably reasonable but I think your friend just isn't tuned in to the realities if having a family. It would be far easier for a couple of adults to get a taxi to another hotel after the event rather than put you and your mum's plans into a tail spin.

Exactly as above, unless she has requested the whole venue then no chance. What's to say your mum hadn't booked a stay here by chance at the same time after all anyone can book a hotel. Tell us all the date and hotel and you never know your friend may find it booked up with strangers.

I think your friend just has no idea of what a 3 month old baby is like and how much they need their mums. I’m guessing there’s worry about having enough room for all the wedding guests. So hmm…. If there is a nice hotel literally next door it might be not be unreasonable for your mum to be based there. If not then you need to talk about how difficult it will be to attend if you can’t be close to your baby - and see if she will problem solve a solution with you.

You need to go and have a chat with her. This is ridiculous. When we got married we had no children at the wedding due to number restrictions at our venue. 3 women had young babies, they all came with the babies, they were being breast fed. There’s no way I would have expected them to leave them. You’re being very accommodating taking your mum. She needs to meet you half way here surely and let your mum be at the hotel too. You should take priority with your baby x

I’ll bet friend is worried that having a young baby nearby will take the attention away from her and focus it on the baby

I really, really don't understand this attitude. This is classic bridezilla behaviour.

She must be incredibly insecure and self absorbed to feel this way.

My niece was 23 months old and very cute when we got married. I never gave it a second thought.

I absolutely wouldn't go. Baby and mum far more important.

I’ll bet friend is worried that having a young baby nearby will take the attention away from her and focus it on the baby. Who doesn’t love babies? So she wants mom in another hotel to keep the attention on the wedding and not the baby. She’s not a bad person, just young and silly.

I’d use this as an excuse to cancel.

If your friend wants the hotel to be exclusively for family then she needs to book it and pay for it herself. She is being totally unreasonable especially given you want the room for your newborn! The word BRIDEZILLA comes to mind!

hmmm. My only query to @BunnyFox is about whether you want to go. It’s all very well everyone saying you should cancel, but if you’re looking forwards to the wedding, you have fab support from DH and your mum, then maybe it’s a good thing to go; and a darn sight better than sitting at home feeling terribly fed up because you’ve missed out on something.

IME travelling with a small baby can be ok esp with so much help.

life is full of challenges and experiences; grab the opportunities you want tho. But obvs with a room for your mum in the hotel.

You’ve been super flexible given this is your first baby, the wedding is abroad and your mother is coming too.
Suggesting your baby stay at another hotel would be too far. I’d worry about other problems down the line. I wouldn’t go. But that’s me.

Gosh, you’re going to all that effort and thats her attitude. I’d be so grateful you were willing to do that if I were your friend. I’m sorry it’s so awkward but I’d consider spending my money elsewhere if you feel ok to miss out.

If she has paid for exclusive use then she's very silly to be denying anyone who wants to stay there a room, because she'll have to pay for them whether they are occupied or not.

And since it's a destination wedding and it's not for another 10 months, she's probably overestimating the likely occupation rate.

I don't really know why you asked her, she's not the boss of the hotel and she can't stop your mum booking a room, unless she has paid for exclusive use?

This (which I don’t think has been clarified in the OP’s updates?)

If your mum didn't come- it would be pointless you going. DH will end up needing you to deal with the baby and none of you will see much of the wedding. It would be pointless going.
Even with your mum there though, I chuckle to myself that you think you'll be holding up your friend and being her support. I barely even knew my own name. 🤣
I really hope you report back after the wedding and update us all how it went.

So, I was a bridesmaid for my best friend in 2023. I agreed to it before I fell pregnant with my second, but would have had a 16 month old with us anyway. I really didn't want to go, it was hassle to travel there for hours and my husband would have to watch our girls while I did bridesmaid stuff.
We ended up going, we took a 16 month old and a 10 week old. My husband had them most of the day due to me having to do bridesmaid crap and my friend and the photographer being b***s about me seeing my babies (I was breastfeeding so incredibly engorged especially as I could hear my babies crying!). It was incredibly stressful and tiring and my girls were so overstimulated they couldn't settle for hours that night 😭, but once they fell asleep they were down for the night (my boobs were not happy about this so I had to pump in the middle of the night).
Are you part of the ceremony or just a guest? It's up to you but your friend already sounds like they're being a pain with the hotel so will probably just get worse as it gets closer.
On another note, I have not spoken to my friend since the wedding. I've made contact but she has not replied. Apparently she is upset I didn't stay for dances etc but doesn't have the balls to tell me, me having babies was just an inconvenience for her. Despite me travelling for hours with 2 small babies, being extremely sleep deprived and physically uncomfortable for the day 😞

She’s being selfish & cruel, tbh I wouldn’t bother going, your baby comes first & it’s not fair on your mum to be shoved into another hotel, who does this bridezilla think she is, save some money & stay home xx you don’t deserve to be treated like that x .

Agreed.

I said as much 10 pages plus ago.
the friendship is 💯 in the shitter whatever happens, so OP might as well please herself.

Well, OP, unfortunately someone had to say it – although I’m aware this will come across as blunt and likely unsympathetic.

You’re being a mug. Unfortunately, IME people rarely respect this let alone thank you for it. This ‘friend’ is continuing to treat you this way because you are continually capitulating to her considerable demands, thinking that the next effort will surely satisfy her, and each time she’s responded with a new level of entitlement to surpass the last.

You’ve gone above and beyond what any reasonable person would view as the usual call of duty, with significantly increased expenditure in terms of time and money for both you and your mother. A clear pattern is emerging here: whatever you do, you are never going to make this demanding princess happy. So let her kick off. Even if you cede to her again, you won’t avoid the inevitable tantrum when the wedding rolls around and you have to absent yourself frequently for feeding. She’s guaranteed to see her backside about that, too.

This friendship is already on borrowed time. It’s going to end in grief anyway, so you’d be well advised to cut to that part now and save yourself a lot of time and money into the bargain.

“Dear Friend
I’ve thought long and hard about the logistics of bringing our new baby to the wedding. I’ve decided it’s not do-able. I’ll be very sad to miss it, but I’m sure it will be a brilliant day and I can’t wait to catch up afterwards and see the photos etc. Lots of love”

No need to blow up the friendship, although it sounds like your friend is demanding and very self centred at the moment.

Once your lovely baby arrives, priorities will change and friendship rituals that seemed super-important just won’t be. It’s a wedding, that’s all, and it’s not worth tying yourself and your mum into knots over it.

Frankly, she should be planning a wedding closer to home too. And don’t organise her wedding for her - technically, she’s a grown up, and you’re creating an uneven friendship.