AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

That’s lovely of him in that case. Although it doesn’t sound much fun for either of you with a small baby.

Will you book flights a month in advance if you decide to go?

The bride hasn’t even considered her own sister and her own nieces/ nephew(s) are they invited to the no children wedding ? Your friend is bat shit crazy, expecting everyone to travel to a destination wedding “ somewhere they just fancy” and not making proper accommodation arrangements. God only knows what else they have managed to mess up, no way would I be going, Give up the room now and let her sister have it. Mind you if I were her sister I would be having second thoughts about attending myself.

Did your DH check with you before offering your friend that solution?

I think your instincts to not go are right.

I don’t think you should pay for that room, I don’t think you’ll get your money back if you don’t go. Is it free to reserve it?

Basically every birth and baby experiences are different and you just don’t know until they arrive.

It’s really difficult to understand before you have a baby what it’s going to be like and how you’ll feel post birth. Your baby could be even younger if you are overdue, you also have no idea how the birth is going to be. Three month old babies can need quite a lot of attention, especially if they are colicky, cluster feeding etc. Whilst I’m sure your birth and baby will be fine, one of mine was overdue and it was discovered had a health condition a few weeks after birth. You can also be quite hormonal post birth and might not want to be separated from your baby especially at a different location.

Because lots of people don't worship at the alter of children most likely. Other people's children aren't that fussed by your wedding. One of my low points was an old friend getting married, someone bringing their clearly sick children to the wedding and me getting norovirus before an important job interview 🙄. Great

My 1st wedding l had children against my better judgment. My 2nd wedding was no children which was the way we wanted it.

I now have 2 under 2. Don't assume other people care about my children's presence at their wedding. My children aren't that fussed by-their loves are cats, pigs in blankets, duplo and Clangers. A church in Aldershot, church hall in Wokimg and a hog roast aren't that amazing ro them (or to me but anyway)

Urgh, I don't get child free weddings. We had a special children's table and menu (where they were old enough to be apart from parents) and a children's entertainer in a separate room. It was also not a particularly expensive wedding (80 guests, total budget 7K in today's money).
Why would you not want your friends DC who you see all the time not to be part of your celebrations?

Honestly I didn’t know my head from my
tail when my baby was 3 months old. A blur of sleepless nights nappies and demand feeding. I felt totally exhausted. Getting to the co-op was a triumph let alone abroad. It’s a huge ask of you and your dear mum.

Yeah she is! Ask what part of you having a young baby can’t she understand. Explain that she has two choices, either you don’t go or you have the baby close by and she needs to decide which option she prefers

Your friend has no business telling anyone who can and can't stay in a public hotel. She also has no business trying to intervene in what you're doing in order to attend without your newborn.

When I was a new ftm (baby was only a few weeks old) I was a bridesmaid for my best friend in our own City so very convenient. The baby wasn't invited but I think that's due to it being covid times. She was so accommodating and I even met her at the ceremony and left the reception early. Even so, I found this so so stressful as I was bf/hormonal etc... When I was pregnant I could never have predicted how hard I would find this and was genuinely looking forward to it!! My point OP, is that you may feel completely different in a few months and not even want to attend the wedding. Do not let your friend bully you into anything you're not comfortable with. You're sound like an amazing friend she's very lucky x

TMGM · Yesterday 16:42
"I wouldn’t bother going. IMO prioritise your child, not someone so self centred. It comes down to the fact that unfortunately the timing isn’t great and your baby is too young to be away from you for too long."

TookTheBook · Yesterday 17:06
"If this is your first baby, I think you're underestimating how tired you'll be and the fact that babies aren't on a tight routine even by 3 months so you'll be popping in and out regularly to feed, especially as you'll all be discombobulated from the change of setting away from home.
Just don't go. Unfortunately your friend will only understand when she has her first baby."

BreakfastClubBlues · Yesterday 17:13
"This person is not your friend. She doesn't seem to care about you at all, or appreciate the lengths you (and your mum!) are going to to be there for her.
I would put myself and my tiny baby first and stay home."

These and the many similar comments are right. Your "friend" is not just being insensitive - more like unbelievably selfish and entitled. It's not realistic or necessary for you to go through all this hassle. Your instincts are right - don't put yourself through this.

I think you went far enough in the Bridezilla Madness by 1) not complaining your baby is not invited and 2) by arranging childcare ánd paying for it yourself. I think you did a great job by finding your mother a room in the same hotel! She should be able to walk there in her slippers after you come back from the reception, and no she shouldn't be asked to go to another hotel!

Your friend is being absolutely unreasonable.

i will say that the hotel is also being unreasonable IMO. Share a twin room with your mum and baby in travel bassinet. There isnt normally an occupancy requirement for under 2s!!

Have you looked on booking.com to see if the hotel is fully booked? Just interested to know if you could just book a room for your Mum and tell bridezilla that room booked and paid for!

You should respond that your mother needs to be onsite to make this work. If the bride responds with anything other than acquiescence, then you should rsvp no to the wedding. She has already placed significant hurdles to your attendance. If she can’t make it as easy as possible for you to step out and take care of your baby, then she doesn’t really care about you being at the wedding. That should be taken as a clear sign it is t worth the expense and effort you are planning to use.

I would not go, on top of travelling with a small baby, what if the baby does not settle and to expect your Mum to stay in a different hotel is totally unreasonable.
Save your money for a holiday to suit you

If I was your mum in this situation I'd be absolutely fine with this, if I was you, I would not be quite so fine with this.

I don't think that the proposed situation is in any way bad for your child, at 3 months old, with your own mum, wherever they are they will be absolutely fine! It's also a lovely trust/bonding thing to do between you both as close family. 3 month old babies can be tiring, day in - day out, but are essentially easy to look after, your mum will have no problem!

What I worry about, is as you say, your friend's bizarre reluctance to allow your child in the same hotel. This is not reasonable, and makes things unnecessarily harder for you, for no sensible reason. She's taken her entitlement as a bride way too far; she cannot dictate where your child stays. If she's worried about your baby upstaging her or distracting you somehow, then she's being immature and needy.

Your new baby will be 12 weeks old you will be exhausted I get you want to be there for one of your closest friends but ... she is expecting too much from you and yes is in bridezilla mode and wont beable to think of anything else.
I would say to your friend for me to be at the wedding my mum will have to be in the same hotel with my baby son / daughter it isn't practical or fair to expect anything else and I'm sure the brides friends and family would agree too I'd be mortified asking a close friend and her mum to do this with a tiny baby ..

Your friend OP is being unreasonable. Your baby and DM at a different hotel? It's nonsense.

Any mother would want their 3 months old baby close to her.

I wouldn't go if I were you OP.

If you aren't going to lose out financially tell the wedding nazi you won't be going and cancel flights and hotel

I would just speak with her again and try to get across to her how unfair it is on your mum to shove her off to another hotel when she is helping, so you and your partner will also book into the other hotel so your mum is not alone. Then, as you are best friends, if she values that friendship she will want you to be at the wedding guest hotel and back down on her decision. Good luck!

Did you miss the part where it's a destination wedding?