AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

It’s still a big ask to expect OP to travel abroad with a new baby, attend a wedding, and not have her mother and the baby in the same hotel. I stand by what I say, OP should decline the invitation, her friend is in selfish Bridezilla mode.

I think you’ve found the perfect solution. It give you flexibility to see how you feel after the birth which is the most important thing.

Your friend really has been quite disorganised in not also finding g an overflow hotel she can direct people to if there aren’t enough rooms.

That sounds like a great resolution. Chances are you will be tired but happy to be there. And good on you for making an effort for your friends, remind me of the other thread here about putting on effort for your village.

Honestly I wouldn't go. When my baby was new born, I was constantly feeding. You're going to be exhausted and stressed about leaving her. It would be better to say no now, rather than cancelling and being out of pocket for the flights.

Your friend is being ridiculous. You’re already going above and beyond travelling abroad for a wedding with a baby and bringing your mum, now she doesn’t even want to accommodate your mum being in the same hotel? She can do one tbh.

It’s not that way for everyone. Some women are pretty much back to normal at this point and getting a decent chunk of sleep, I was getting six hours from around four weeks. It’s fashionable to paint the first months as a nightmare but it’s not a universal experience.

Also OP, if the bride has been your best friend since she was 4 why isn’t your mum part of the wedding party? Surely she’d class as close friends/family?

We got married overseas when our best friends had an 18 month old baby, I didn’t expect them to come at all, and told them so. Conversely my sister got married in Vegas when I had 3 under 5. It was impossible that I go, she hasn’t spoken to me since. (Nearly 20 years).
People are entitled to have whatever wedding they want but to make it very difficult for people to attend and then expect them to is beyond selfish. It almost feels like a loyalty test.

Her being disorganised isn’t your problem. You seem like a lovely person but stop making excuses for her. She would have known about the issue with rooms when the hotel was booked and she still went ahead anyway.
Weddings are important events but so are having babies. I don’t think your friend is giving you the same respect you are giving her

There seems to be a lot of doom and gloom around how difficult life will be with a 3 month old. You could also absolutely be nailing it and will have a fantastic time away with your husband and baby!
Your life doesn’t end when you have kids, it changes but you can still do things 😊
Your best friend really hasn’t thought things through at all but it’s clear you want to go to the wedding so you should go x

@BunnyFox I feel for you. I really do. But you would have been right to stick to your guns and not give in to what was emotional blackmail, even if she didn't mean it that way, when she started crying.

Think about it: You are not going to have a good time if your DH isn't with you for the day, but stuck in a hotel room minding the baby. You will be on your own, feeling sorry for your DH, worrying about him AND the baby. If you are breastfeeding, then you are quite likely to be spending more time in the room feeding the baby, than actually at the wedding. If you are bottle-feeding then it's going to be a big hassle sterilising all the equipment, never mind having to have room for it all in your luggage. With such a small baby, you can't take risks with the same kind of formula not being available at the place you are staying.

Your friend IS being a Bridezilla, even if she doesn't mean to be.

I mean this in the nicest possible way…
To embark on this crazy idea of flying abroad for a wedding so soon after having a baby is ludicrous. You are going to be completely tired out just looking after baby, you probably get very little sleep, and also this is an important stage of bonding with baby, you’ll have nothing else left to give, mentally or physically. Please… for your sake and the baby, tell your selfish friend it’s a definite no.

I understand your dilemma OP. We took our 10 week old abroad for a wedding. I had had an EMC and was still in bad shape, which made it far less enjoyable. My friend was amazing and let me take the baby to the wedding, but it was still tough with cluster feeding and colic. The practicalities of booking were easy - the baby was listed as 'Baby X' on the flight booking, and I had to ring the airline with name and DoB once baby was born. Having said that, it was a hard week and if I'd known then what I know now, I would have sent my friend my apologies and a lovely gift. She is a lovely, kind friend with children of her own and she would have understood. I think if your friend was reasonable she would allow babes in arms at her wedding - it's so difficult to be separated from them at that age, especially if you breastfeed. If she doesn't offer that option, then she must know there is a chance you won't go.

Good luck with your decision - you sound like a loyal friend and I know it isn't easy.

No way, your friend is being a twat.

You’re unlikely to want to go. I had a Caesarean which was well healed after 3 months, no depression, loved being the mum to one newborn (was the happiest year of my life), always enjoyed travel, had lived and worked abroad and would have fought wild horses to NOT go to a destination wedding with my brand new precious 3 month old.

The thought of sitting in recycled air with him when he was all brand new :shudder:

My son and his wife applied for their 8 week old daughter’s passport a couple of weeks ago and had it a week later.
We also got our new passports within 10 days just before Christmas.

Pffft. Being disorganised is just code for her being a selfish twat really, isn't it?

Oh yeah as you said, vaccines, and what type of country is it? Is it one where you need certain vaccines to enter? Passport (can't be applied for until baby is here) and takes on average 4+ months to arrange (I think average is 6 months wait for new issued ones), plus vaccines. Honestly, its just not worth it and I hope OP comes to her senses, the last thing she wants is to be on hold for ages to consular to apply for a passport for baby, days after she's given birth. @BunnyFox its just not worth it. It really isn't.

I think if kids were allowed to this wedding then you would just about manage it. Plenty of people go on planes with babies. But as she has made it a child free wedding then she leaves you now choice really. You will have a baby that would still be in the newborn phase. It needs it's Mother. They feed all the time, and have meltdowns that last for possibly hours if they have stayed awake too long (Over 40mins). When you are worried about your baby having a meltdown or crying because it needs you, you cannot think about anything else and you just feel stressed until it's resolved. This idea of supporting your friend is a bit far fetched. She is a grown adult and when you have a newborn that isn't allowed near you then you will not be giving a shit about supporting your friend.

If she can't bend and allow a newborn in a carrier to a wedding then what does she expect? Also I do wonder what people are thinking when they won't even allow their own niblings.

I feel the bride hasn't really thought things through- for example, how will her sister come if she cannot get a room for her kids aa well?
I understand your mum would have been a great help and it's a shame to be swapping with your DH on the day. But given the scenario, I can understand why she js concerned about you having two rooms

Perhaps it's her way of saying she doesn't want you to come to her wedding. She is totally unreasonable & not much of a friend tbh.

@BunnyFox if you want to go, then it’s completely reasonable to go. It sounds like you have great support - DH sounds to have stepped up - and it absolutely isn’t impossible to travel with a 3 month old.
yes, there’s lots of stuff that could be a challenge, but honestly, planning to go and not making it might be better than sitting at home miserable because you cancelled now.

The bride sounds incredibly dippy, but hey we all have dippy friends. I’m more shocked by the idea she hasn’t invited her own niece and nephew to the wedding - what will they do whilst their parents attend? Bizarre.

Don't beat yourself up you haven't created any of this situation. Your best friend booked/planned her wedding abroad knowing it would be hard for you to attend. She booked a hotel with inadequate accommodation. She rejected your solution.

You are trying to make the best of it whilst cooking up a tiny human and everything that comes along with that..

If you book your flights you could take out travel insurance which would cover medical reasons not to attend. There's no way of knowing how it will go, it may be really easy and baby sleeps through most of it and you are feeling create. Or you could spend most of wedding exhausted and stressed with a screaming baby and everything in between.

I am not sure if you're planning to breastfeed but look up cluster feeding / growth spurts - you may well end up spending a vast amount of time in the hotel room with a 3 month old baby if your exclusively breastfeeding laleche.org.uk/beginning-breastfeeding/

It's a huge financial commitment for you and you also don't realistically know how you'll feel after the birth in terms of travelling to another country. Some people who have had a C section for example might need longer to recover medically.

I think your friend is being completely unreasonable - I guess she clearly has no idea what it's going to be like for you with a newborn baby. It's a shame this is causing you stress during your pregnancy to be honest. Please save yourself further worry and tell her you can't commit to it at this stage. Perhaps book in last minute if you felt you could definitely go and she allowed you to have baby with you during the day. Have you asked her if you could have baby with you? Sorry if I've missed that bit.

The fact that you have been friends since you were little and that she is disorganised doesn't give her the right to guilt trip you into going.

If she won't even allow family children to her wedding that's on her.

If she chooses to prioritise the venue over her guests she will have to accept that some people will not attend.

You should be focusing on preparing for your baby's arrival not helping her organise a wedding.

If she is really that disorganised she should choose a simple wedding where there is less risk of anything going wrong.

@MrRobinsonsQuango people don't "worship at the altar of children". They prioritise their guests needs because they want them there. What a silly statement