AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

This just say it is impossible for me to come then

Agreed. And please do not agree to having your mum in a different hotel. It’s already self absorbed enough that she doesn’t want a babe in arms at her wedding when travelling abroad.

OP, I think you've been absolutely amazing for accommodating everything as well as you have
Your friend should be grateful for your efforts.

There was a thread not that long back about a couple who'd had a no baby/child rule for their wedding (not allowed even in the venue car park) who displayed the most breathtaking hypocrisy once they'd had their first baby by bringing them to a childfree wedding and getting upset when asked to leave. I do wonder what goes on in these people's heads sometimes. Not that much it would seem.

Honestly. Cancel and don't go.

You are bending over backwards to make this work, at three months could well still be cluster feeding a lot.

Your friend clearly isn't actually that bothered about you being there, and hasn't given any thought at all to your situation.

One final message. I really want to attend your wedding. However, Baby will still be very very small and is likely to be feeding ever couple of hours, particularly in the evening. Therefore I will need baby to be at the same venue so I can keep them alive. This means my mum, who has kindly agreed to look after the baby, will need to stay at the same hotel.

This is the only way I can attend the wedding

I'm guessing the bride has not had children?
Because it's a ridiculous suggestion not to allow babes in arms at a wedding anyway, let alone the stupidness of not allowing your mum to stay at the same hotel.
I'd skip the whole thing, maybe your friend will return to being an actual human being after her big do.

Are the flights paid for? I’d be looking to back out if not.

Wow, why is this selfish person your friend, let alone your best friend?!

This is full is the perfect clear reply. Though you might want to soften it to keep the friendship.

Your friend is really unreasonable - not even letting a BRIDESMAID have a babe in arms at the wedding and then won’t let someone buy a hotel room in the onsite place? I’d pull out, she is massively unreasonable.

Excellent reply

If this is your first baby, I think you're underestimating how tired you'll be and the fact that babies aren't on a tight routine even by 3 months so you'll be popping in and out regularly to feed, especially as you'll all be discombobulated from the change of setting away from home.

Just don't go. Unfortunately your friend will only understand when she has her first baby.

"As my baby will need feeding at intervals during your celebrations, having mum stay at the venue is the only way that I can attend your wedding."

You could add "I'm extremely grateful to my mum for agreeing to this, and the expense of her flight and accommodation is significant. I have done all I can to be at your wedding and fulfill your child-free requirements. But I'm afraid that mum and baby staying at the venue is non-negotiable for me"

Fuck. That.

Spending a grand to attend with a baby that little, only to be told you can't have babes in arms or your mum help? No thanks.

I'd be saying my mum can no longer make it and no-one else can come to watch baby and cancel

I think that makes all the difference: knowing you're welcome no one cares if she squeaks or you have to disappear for a feed. Your friend made things easy for you.

The bride here is (maybe unwittingly) making it hard for her friend who'll have a 3 month old to come by placing restrictions on who can have a room at the hotel. For that reason and because the vibe is not conducive to a happy outcome for mum and baby I'd say no.

We had this when our baby was just 4 months. Albeit not in a different country! We just gently explained that if we couldn’t stay in the hotel that we couldn’t go at all as you need to be available at the drop of a hat for a 4 month old. They did understand. We recently went to a wedding, and it was fine leaving baby a 10 minute drive from the venue as she was 8 months and sleeping 13 hours at night so less hassle! Stick to your guns, but nicely, and say you won’t be able to go if not. Be clear that baby will be upstairs and MIL will not come down, and that you’ll just quietly slip off when needed

YANBU

I can see this thread reborn in a few years when Bridezilla is faced with the same nonsense.

I wouldn't be entertaining the idea of going and having a 3 month old in another hotel.

She's not your best friend.

“If my mum’s not there then I can’t come.
Which would you prefer?”

You’re not being unreasonable. Ask your mum, she’ll tell you. I think you need to find a new best friend.

My friend’s response was “can your mum book into a different hotel”.

And your answer is "No, I need to be able to reach the baby as and when. So we'll have to miss the wedding if it can't be at the same hotel".

This is what I'm confused about. Has friend paid for exclusive use of the hotel, including all the rooms? If so, I guess it's up to her who she gives each room to, and I'm assuming there's only enough rooms for the amount of guests?

But if people are booking and paying for their own rooms, they can do what they want, including booking a room for their mum, surely?

Situation sounds dreadful either way, tbh, you're being very accommodating even considering going. At 3 months PP I would very much have not been able to face this.

Can you not book a twin room with room for the cot, and share with your Mum that night?

Don't say anything to your Mum. Your friend is being very rude and will presumably look back at all this in absolute mortification in years to come, and your Mum doesn't need to be made feel awkward about it.

I would probably reply to your friend that you understand where she is coming from, but your Mum being there is the only way you can attend, so it's probably best if you bow out of the wedding altogether to keep the rooms free.

It's going to be a pain in the arse anyway, going to a wedding with a baby in tow who can't actually be seen or heard anywhere on the day.

Has she paid for exclusive use of the hotel or is she just hoping that all her friends and family will book up and she’ll get exclusivity for free?

Either way, she is rude and a useless host. If your friend can’t just be grateful at the effort your are going to attend her wedding she doesn’t deserve to have you there.