AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

Despite offering you a comprehensive reply, I'm now thinking that you should just take the opportunity to not go. As many others have said, this is going to be a painful trip (possibly literally for your baby, if it has ear problems during the flight).

Basically she's unwittingly given you an out, which I'd grab with both hands.

It's awful she's put you in this position because whatever happens now there will be a sour taste.

Basically the options are:

1. you bend over backwards, suck it up and go
2. You reach an awkward compromise and go
3. You tell her you arent going

From experience, the friendship will be in the shitter and she'll (incorrectly) resent you whatever you do.

Mat leave will also drain your savings faster than you know.
There is no way I'd go in these circs and I'm a very laissez-faire mother who was happy to "adandon" her babies for social events from 8 weeks or so

Wow, your friend could not be less accommodating if she tried… if she worth the time/money/effort you are putting into attending her wedding?

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't take a new baby on a plane to a destination where she wasn't wanted and where her day-time caregiver wasn't wanted, either. The baby might easily be born two weeks late and you might be struggling physically after the birth. Obviously I hope you don't, but some women do.

Your friend can have the sort of wedding she wants but she can't also have you there.

She’s being utterly ridiculous (bridezilla) and should be incredibly grateful that you are making the effort to attend with a newborn and pay for two rooms, and grateful to your mum for allowing it to happen. As she isn’t, are you able to get your money back and cancel? She doesn’t sound like a true friend.

I can't possibly ask that of my mum. She is already offering to move heaven and earth so that I can come to your wedding and it would be so rude of me to expect any more of her.

You just need to decide for yourself whether it's worth you all doing the trip at all. For me, it would be an easy no. Your mum is offering to go too far above and beyond anyway, it's silly money and too much of an imposition on her already. This is the perfect opportunity to say no to going. But if you really still want to then you need to establish with the bride whether space can be found at the hotel for your mum with good grace. There is zero point you and your mum going to all this trouble to attend if your friend then goes cold on you straight after because she's pissed off at having your mum use an extra bedroom. And asking your mum to stay at a different hotel is (IMO) out of the question.

Just to add, I’ve flown internationally, long haul between Aus and the UK with babies and children of all ages.

i would not fly, for any length of flight, with a 3mo. I agree with other posters this is not worth the absolutely batshit level of inconvenience.

I agree that you need to have the baby and your mum nearby, but is the issue that there are only exactly the right number of rooms? If you book one for your mum will one of the wedding guests need to stay elsewhere?

Honestly I wouldn't go. You really might not feel like it with a baby this young and this gives you a good excuse to decline the invitation.

@BunnyFox You are SO not being unreasonable. I would tell Bridezilla that I can't be at her wedding because she has made it too difficult for me.
(But if you do want to go, could your Mum and you not share a twin room with the baby in a cot? Many hotels allow this).

Just to add to the other comments, the pressure on baby's ears flying too on top of her appalling attitude would be enough for me to not go.

Your wee baby shouldn't go on an unnecessary flight. Plus you'd have to get a passport arranged right after they've been born, all hassle and expense that you really don't need for a totally ungrateful cow of a bridezilla.

I wouldn't go out of principle. Her attitude is appalling.

Don't go. If she is being so difficult even when you are going to so much trouble then she either is bonkers or doesn't want you to come.

What a CF bridezilla. Surely I could go on right now and book that hotel for that week and she couldn’t do anything about it?

I’d just not go TBH she sounds like hard work and certainly no friend.

TBH I wouldn't go. Your friend is being unreasonable. Presumably you aren't just going for the one night and therefore your mum will be basically be on her own the rest of the holiday as well as having huge inconvenience on the wedding day. Your friend doesn't want your mum there, she doesn't want your baby there and by the way she is acting it sounds like she doesn't really want you there that much.

I was going to say the same. Hopefully everything will go smoothly and you will be able to sail through this... but you have given yourself the stress of travelling abroad with a very small baby, who may not be in a routine, not for an informal holiday but for a fixed date, formal event.
You can't really tell how you will feel.
If you do go, leave yourself an exit strategy if this is just all too much. ie don't be a bridesmaid... in case for any reason you may be unable to go.

Doesn’t sound like she really cares if you are at the wedding tbh.

How good a friend is she? I think you are good going with a three month old baby (who might be late, you might have a section etc)

@BunnyFox did your friend book the whole hotel just for her guests? If not, and you'd be sharing the premises with others anyway, then it makes this whole thing even worse.

Either she's incredibly shallow and self absorbed, or she doesn't actually want you there. Either way, that's a crappy friend to have.

This would have become too much of a faff for me a LONG time ago.

I would tell your friend that no, you need your newborn baby to be in the same hotel as you for feeding etc. The only alternative would be for you not to go. If she's happier for you to not attend rather than have your baby close by in the hotel then frankly she's not much of a friend. You've already done more than I would have done to accommodate her wishes - I would have just declined the invitation.

This person is not your friend. She doesn't seem to care about you at all, or appreciate the lengths you (and your mum!) are going to to be there for her.

I would put myself and my tiny baby first and stay home.

Just tell your friend that if your Mum isn’t in the same hotel looking after your baby that you won’t be able to come. If she wanted all the hotel rooms just for her guests she should have booked and paid for them all. I don’t think that she’s a decent friend.

Don't go. Your friend is a twat.

I can't get past her not letting you bring your bf baby to the wedding.

You are making a vast number concessions in order to be there and your friend is being incredibly unreasonable.
Your baby will still be small, you have no idea how well feeding and sleeping will be going. If it was me, I wouldn't be going at all.