AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

So friends since 4 & she can't contemplate you having your baby there?

That's no friend imo.

When I read these threads I'm not quite sure if I'm more astounded by the behaviour of the bride or the person twisting themselves into a pretzel by trying(&failing) to please/appease them!

Since your updates, I just wouldn't go.

Yes, and then when OP stands very sensible ground, bride cries to induce guilt.

Your friend didn't engage her brain planning this wedding, OP. And she's making everyone pay for it in several ways. Stop bending over backwards for someone who doesn't much consider you. Being friends since 4 is what she's counting on will make you move everything to accommodate her. It's selfish af.

Well really, Your wedding, your wishes -ok - My baby, my Mum , My Family Not Attending.
This is beyond the realms of unreasonable behaviour, I hope your so-called friend is never asked to put her own family out to the extent she's expecting you to.

Your DH's proposal is not a solution, it is giving the bride exactly what she wants. It's a guarantee that neither your or DH will enjoy it. Good luck but you're just giving in to your shitty friend's request.

I get that you have been friends since you were 4. But that cuts both ways.

I've been a bride who married abroad. We went to quite the length to accommodate our guests. We paid for their hotel rooms too!

All fair enough. No one has to care about the presence of children at their weddings, just as others don't find weddings as important to them as they are to the bride and groom and are perfectly at liberty to decline their invitation.

I don't care to attend 'destination' weddings, either. I'd far rather expend my precious annual leave on family holidays and a destination of our choosing.

All fine and dandy, as long as heads don't start to disappear up posteriors as a result of others' preferences.

At this juncture - I'd be making it so that I'm doing everything in my power to attend, and in the background, I'd not be organising anything. Trying to look after a newborn is going to be taxing enough without factoring in air travel (I know it can be done but will you want to do the travelling when the time comes) lugging luggage and a buggy/baby equipment with you??

If she booked a hotel without doing due diligence on whether there might be a separate wedding or event happening either the day before/after which would impact on her wedding, then that's entirely on her and just because she wants a wedding to look a certain way, unless she has a wedding organiser at the helm, as it's overseas, it's more likely to look very differently to what she wants.

You have many months to decide but if I were you, I'd make that call by Easter '25 and not drag it out until later on in the year.

Your husband definitely does sound like a good egg!

I agree with this. I think the 'babes in arms' thing is the biggest load of bs going. Babies scream! cry. And you can't predict it. There are so many stories on here of newborn babies letting out earpiercing screams during the VOWS. Do an AS for it. So many vows have been interrupted by newborns suddenly screaming. And people say they'll take them out the minute they start screaming, but its too late. The moment they scream, it interrupts everything.

While I think with the OP her 'friend' has been horribly selfish, I think this 'babes in arms' is the biggest load of bullshit ever to enter this site. I actually would prefer having a toddler, than a newborn. I would have toddlers at my wedding before I'd ever, ever have a 'babe in arms' because toddlers cause less disturbance than an ear-splitting screaming baby.

Au contraire Blossomtoes, I'd say it's more fashionable to think new mothers should be able to get back to normal within weeks of giving birth!

Yes of course, some women do experience this, at least with a particular baby, and it's good that you're one of them. But out of my friends and NCT cohort, maybe 1 or 2 didn't seem to find it as much of a challenge as the rest of us. I don't feel bad or guilty about it, and didn't at the time: it's just the way it is, a learning process many of us go through. And in OP's predicament, it's probably wiser for her to assume that she will find new motherhood all-consuming, rather than otherwise.

I don't recognise the notion of 'babes in arms' being exceptional circumstances at childfree weddings.

That’s what we did. Babies don’t run round and disrupt proceedings. If they cry they get taken out. Anyone with a baby less than a year old brought them to our wedding, you wouldn’t have known they were there.

I don't recognise the notion of 'babes in arms' being exceptional circumstances at childfree weddings. . . ? I had a childfree wedding 14 years ago because I didn't want children there. It changes the atmosphere, whether it's 3 year olds, or 3 month olds.

That said, when it became apparent that a couple within our social circle couldn't come because they couldn't leave their baby, I totally understood this and arranged to meet up after the wedding.

I think personally where @BunnyFox's friend is missing the point (more than likely as a result of naivety) is that it's unreasonable to expect the best of both worlds here. She should either accept baby as a guest, or decide that she understands OP's reason for swerving the wedding.

I don't think she is a bridezilla but there just aren't enough rooms. From personal experience, no way I could have been abroad at a wedding with my first baby at 3 months. She will just have to accept that you can't go.

You're thinking of all that has gone before, then her, then yourself.

She's thinking of herself, then herself, then what's gone before, never the baby. Or you.

When you become a mum everything shifts and that is okay. This is a situation that you have to put your baby and yourself first. You'll regret it potentially otherwise.

Which goes to show that all babies are different. Physically I felt like I hadn't ever given birth by six weeks post partum, but DD was a cluster feeder and EBF, so I couldn't have left her.

Just for an alternative perspective - at 3 months post partum I went on my best friend’s hen do for two nights because she was my childhood friend and incredibly important to me.

I had to regularly express but I felt up to it and had a good time.

Your friend is being ridiculous. If you have booked the rooms directly and paid for them, then your mum stays and that’s perfectly fine. If your friend wanted to reserve the rooms for guests then she should have booked out the whole hotel. Simple as that really.

The bride has no say over who books rooms in a hotel unless she has already booked them all herself.
The hotel has a half the rooms booked out for another wedding. The bride had/has no say over that. And she should never have presumed to have any say over your booking either. It was none of her business. She should have accepted that it was a result of her own lack of forward thinking and quickly booked alternatives.

I understand you want to help her out but she has made some bad choices for which you are having to pay dearly. Already you have been forced to let your mum down.

You are having to scupper your own wise judgement in order to take the consequences for her poor judgement OP. So please don’t feel too upset or sorry for her and don’t be too reluctant to say, further down the line, that you can’t go, if necessary. She will have brought that on herself.
Your baby will automatically become your priority and you will see this situation more clearly after the birth. Good luck with everything.

I don't think many people are saying she will be unable to travel with a three month old, just pointing out that there may be some unexpected complications.

None of the people talking about how easy it was to travel with their three month old were in a situation where they were expected to then be apart from their three month old for an entire day and evening. And that's the issue here, not the travel per se.

I left my first baby with my MIL for a couple of hours when he was about 6 weeks old the first time. I went back to work full time when he was 7 months old. So I wasn't the kind of FTM who couldn't leave her baby at all. We went to two weddings that summer. The second was when he was 5 months old and the bride and groom had hired three babysitters to take care of all the children in a side room. Even then I took a bit of persuading to leave him with them, I popped back to check on him every hour or so, and he wouldn't take a bottle or sleep in one of the cots but stayed awake in the babysitter's arms until we decided to call it a night.

The bride can't police who books those hotel rooms. What if there is somebody from the other wedding - or completely unrelated to either wedding - on the phone booking a couple of rooms right now?

Are there no other hotels in the area that guests can stay at? Presumably yes, as she expected to mum to stay at an alternative hotel. I don't understand the panic.

We got married at a small boutique hotel (not abroad). We had a room and a small handful of guests also stayed there - along with other people unconnected to our wedding. The hotel wasn't full. A few other people booked into the Travelodge down the road as it was cheaper. Everyone doesn't have to sleep under the same roof.

That would be a big fat no from me. Celebrate with her when she gets home.

Everyone saying OP will be unable to travel with 3 month old - I had a difficult pregnancy, emergency c section which I didn’t heal well from - but went to a holiday at the coast in UK when she was 8 days, flew for a week to see family in Italy when she was 6 weeks and to Malta for a fortnight when she was 3 months - and it was fine. Took it easy, Oh had baby in sling, enjoyed all the trips. So you also might be fine to go. I don’t think many people in reality lock themselves away from life for 3 months because postpartum is so hard. Yes, it’s got its challenges and depends on baby and you but you are more likely to be able to go than not. Although given the circumstances described I can see why you’d give it a miss.

She could be totally back to normal. But with no way of knowing its not something I'd potentially waste a lot of time and money on.

Read OP 's posts. Her DH is also attending the wedding.

Can’t you and your mum share one room? Can you bring a travel cot or ask the hotel for one?