AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

OP was written January 2025

I'm confused.. you said the wedding was at the beginning of Oct in an earlier post? Had it happened already?

Thanks for the update OP! Good to hear that you were able to enjoy the wedding and that travelling abroad with a 3 month old wasn't too bad after all. And that you felt physically and mentally recovered from the birth.
Although I am still in shock that despite you moving heaven and earth to attend this wedding, the bride didn't "allow" your tiny baby to be there with you - and had to be kept out sight up in a room with your DP like some kind of leper.
I hope that if she ever has children she realises just how unreasonable she was.

I can’t even imagine travelling abroad with such a young baby let alone going along with her silly bridezilla demands! YANBU!

OP updated just before you posted.

Book your mum a room that suits you. Bridezillas are murderous to deal with. 🙄

Me too!

Tbh this is your first baby. You have no idea how you’re going to feel after the birth and being very new mum. What with all the travelling abroad and such a tiny one the last thing I’d want to do would be going to a noisy, packed, several days long event. I’d probably have declined the invite, in the first instance, with maybe a proviso I could come if anyone dropped out etc, when I felt more confident how I’d be a few months done the line……..

You got me excited that the Op had come back with an update!!

You have made a good plan based on respecting the couple’s wishes.Your friend is being completely unreasonable to say your mum and baby can’t stay in the same hotel as you.

With friends like that.......enemies.

Your friend seems very selfish and self obsessed. Why make the effort to go?You sound a lovely person to have as a friend. Maybe she doesn't deserve you.

Sorry if this comes across cynical.

My eldest is now 3. Before she was born I had 2 best friends, they were my co- maids of honour. We've been incredibly close friends since our uni days. I couldn't imagine missing their weddings.
When she was born, my perspective on everything and priorities kinda... shifted. Yes friends are great but no way would i inconvenience my child to please either of them. One of my best friends (who had co organised my hen do with the other best friend, helped me out hugely in planning and executing the wedding etc) had her hen do when DD was 3 months old. I was helping plan that hen do and I was sure I'd go (with my husband waiting at the hotel - it was abroad). Weeks after she was born I realised that a) no way am I dragging my baby on holiday at an age when it's no fun and all stress for both her and me, and b) no way would I want to be away from her getting drunk on a boat, I'd rather have cuddles with her. The wedding happened when she was 7 months, she was invited (not sure if I'd have gone if she wasn't, but luckily didn't have to think about that) and, whilst I was happy for my friend, for the majority of the day my thought were more along the lines of "hmm can I give her that bit of broccoli to nibble on? That'd be good" or "I hope it's not too hot for her? Shall I take the cardigan off?"

My point is, I don't think having a baby will mean you don't care about your friend but there's a good chance it'll change how you feel, how committed you are to making the wedding, and your priorities may shift in such a way that you consider your baby's comfort much more than you place importance on your friendship.

Yes - a couple of us. Don't think it's OP's priority

Your friend sounds extremely selfish and unempathetic

Not sure if this has been mentioned… but will you have enough time to get baby a passport?

No more than if any other guest coughs, sneezes, blows their nose or cries. As long as the baby is taken out fairly swiftly, I wouldn't count bit of fussing as a 'disturbance'.

By the time it fusses its already too late. Its already been heard and caused a disturbance.

Ask that your dh and baby are allowed to the whole thing with the proviso that the baby is taken out immediately if it’s fussing.
I wouldn’t promise that dh will be the one taking it out all the time as the baby might not always settle with him. It might have to a shared job.

My sister (encouraged by my mum) banned children at her wedding so we left our impeccably behaved 20 month old at home with his other granny. It became apparent during the service that other children were attending because of the disturbance they were causing. They were primary school aged with named places at the sit-down reception. I seethed quietly and made sure that I, with my 8 months pregnant bump and very large hat, was right there on the front row of all the group photos.
Mum offered the feeble excuse that the parents had been let down by their childcare at the last minute. They were right there on the seating plan!

it sounds like youve offered a really reasonable solution. she's out of order.

OP - i think your friend is being ridiculous. Sure from a place of ignorance. But there is a reason most child-free weddings exclude babe in arms - you need to be near your baby. Honestly your husband should be fine, and 4 weeks after my c section I was driving - and I have all sorts of pelvic problems. After 6 weeks I felt loads better.

Read all the fine print of any travel insurance you get in case you can't go (labour can go sideways in allsorts of ways).

But you'll probablybe fine.

Your friend however is an idiot. My favourite wedding photo is of 2 parents hanging out the back of the church with their tiny babies.

Good luck with your pregnancy and labour!

My New Born is 6 months. I learned the hard way that travelling more than 2 hours each way to events in the UK was too much. He's a pretty chilled baby, but babies are still disregulated, can get colic, tummy & sickness bugs, separation anxiety or suddenly ill without notice. When we've taken him to events, I didn't enjoy them because I was anxious because of baby related things. Not saying you would be, but it's a possibility to have in mind. When we travelled abroad, he woke up every hour because of the unfamiliar environment and was clingy and wanted me, not my husband.

In summary, I can hear the love you have for your friend, but what she is asking you to do is likely to compromise yours and baby's wellbeing. Your mum being there may mitigate that somewhat, but if that's now not an option, the stress she is asking you to bear, is too much.

It's not her fault you have a family to think about, but it's your responsibility to make sure both you and baby are fine. She is prioritising her wedding (understandable to an extent) but you must prioritise your wellbeing. Even now, with our bubba being 6 months, the arrangement you describe gives me knots in my stomach.

Your friend knows you love her. Perhaps suggest doing something with her in the UK/where you are based after the wedding?

I know your husband has offered, but that's taking another resource out of an already strained, sleepless household. What you need, in my view, is an external resource (I.e., not your immediate household) taking that burden on your behalf. Your mum sounds perfect for that - but, it's unfair to have her stay elsewhere. In addition, you don't know how your hormones will impact you by then. Please look after yourself. This is coming from someone who tried to Please others and made a lot of premature effort and ended up feeling burnt out with a newborn. I had to rethink what I could say yes to. Sometimes I had to give nos I did not want to give, because I needed to.

I am so sorry you are at these sort of crossroads. So much changes when you have a baby, unfortunately, this can impact the closest of friendships - but in necessary ways as you adjust to new responsibilities/dynamics.

Good luck with it all x

Just tell her it's booked & Paid for & you wont be cancelling or booking another hotel as your Mum & Baby need to be near you. How will she cope with others, not in her wedding party booking the same hotel. Unless she has booked out the whole hotel for her guests only she'll have strangers mooching about. Is she going to find out who else has booked & contact them to book elsewhere too?

This is what you need to say.. at 3 months the baby isn't really seperate from the mother (4th trimester and all that). You will have auch better time if you had the baby with you and your husband can take out outside for the actual ceremony (as crying babies in the ceremony are awful). But rest of day I can't see why the baby being there will effect the bride at all. They won't take up a seat or anything like that. I wouldn't go all that way to potentially be going up and down to hotel room all day. They are literally feeding all the time then.