Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

You miss the point. Why should someone's entire life be defined by how their marriage started? Why does it mean that those people are somehow deserving of divine justice when they have spent the last 40 years living fulfilled and good lives?
The person I was replying to is convinced that everyone who has affairs deserves the life they get. I can only assume that my friends deserve the excellent life they have had.

People, their lives and relationships are a lot more complex than the simple binary of them either being good or evil.

I know someone who cheated on a long term girlfriend (together 5+ years, lived together) on a one night stand and the woman got pregnant. This woman was a friend of the couple.

Him and the woman have been married for 20 odd years now, with two subsequent children.

As far as I know King Charles is much happier with Camilla than he ever was with Diana - can't say I'm an expert on the situation though.

Yep exactly.

@Tink3rbell30

Nope I've clearly said many times it's my own opinions and experiences so don't try the false patronising act again. Very odd.
Yes but sweetheart, meant kindly, your experience is just that. Your experience. Not fact. Just and no more than YOUR experience

@MsCactus
Your stats aren't altogether very useful.

They refer to the % of affairs that end in marriage. But the vast majority of people in affairs have no intention of getting married. The vast majority of people having affairs want to remain married AND have the affair. If the marriage breaks down there is no likelihood of these affairs ending up lasting.

The stat you are looking for is for how many permanent relationships that start as affairs last more than say 10 years. That is, how many affairs that people choose to leave their partners for, result in long unions.

What exactly has anything you listed got to do with their decision to have an affair? Does all of that undo the fact they started their relationship as one?

Was every one absolutely over the moon who was impacted by their decision? Waved them of on their merry way and said no harm done?

An affair is one life's most inherently selfish acts a person can undertake. Being a millionaire who donates to charity and has a shed load of kids and grandchildren doesn't change that.

How do you possibly know how they feel?

How what you did impacted them, their view on relationships, the work they had to do to "move on" and work out as a result of your actions?

You don't.

It's like anything in life when a persons actions cause harm to someone else. The natural instinct is to downplay it to make their internal feelings about their behaviour more bareable.

I thankfully have a lovely Dh, but I have an ex-boyfriend from 25 years ago who is, best I can tell, still married to the woman he cheated on me with (well, one of several he cheated on me with!). He also had about a 5 year affair with someone else in the early years of their marriage (when they were going through infertility treatment, btw). I can’t imagine he hasn’t cheated more after that, but I moved away a long time ago and we no longer have any mutual friends. They are still together though, so yes, it ‘worked out’ on the surface, but only if you consider wasting your life married to a cheating loser ‘working out’.

Yes I know of three couples that are still together after 20 years all had affairs and married ow certainly not unheard of

But if she thought all that isn't that on him for not being clear, not telling the truth?

I know a relative who had been the OE for over 30 years. It ended when he passed away. He never left his wife.

Do you actually mean official relationships that started from affairs (where the married/attached partner or partners have actually left their respective partners to be together) though? Or do you just mean relationships that are secret affairs for the whole duration of the relationship? Because only 3% of affairs resulting in going public, becoming an official couple and lasting long term would sound quite plausible to me. Lots of people have repeated brief affairs (or long ones) but never leave their spouse. Probably the vast majority actually.

But to say that only 3% of relationships that started as affairs work out long term sounds unlikely to me. I don't think 97% of people who leave their spouse for an affair partner go through all that upheaval and stress only to break up shortly afterwards anyway. It certainly doesn't match the experiences and observations of many on this thread.

I am going through a separation because my partner cheated and completely blindsided me. As far as I knew, we were happy. The revelation of the cheating was devastating because it made the reality I live in false. I watched him look me in the eyes and lie to me. He exposed me to potential STIs while I was pregnant. It is abuse.

I cannot believe how many people here are being so nonchalant about affairs. It has made me question my self worth and completely destroyed my life. If you are unhappy and married, you have a responsibility to communicate this with your partner like a mature adult, and leave if you aren’t happy. If we’re bring honest, people stay with their partners while having affairs because they want the best of both worlds before ensuring they have a safe landing in the affair, and I find it obscene.

As a side note, it baffles me how any woman would want a man prepared to walk away from his own children so easily and never look back (as they often do). The cognitive dissonance that you could be next is astounding.

They sometimes don’t ever want to leave their wife. They just want a bit on the side. So no hedging of bets. Best of both worlds.

My very horrible manager (years ago) had an affair with a married man at work after my manager’s own husband left her. She was so entitled and nasty about it and would complaint openly in team meetings about her affair partner’s wife being a bitch and refusing to send their kids to boarding school. Everyone was appalled and didn’t know what to say.

This guy left his wife and married my former manager. I can imagine his life is sheer hell. Or maybe hers is as they are both revolting human beings. Sometimes people get what they deserve.

Every day someone is unfaithful who previously thought they never would be.

Agree @TwigletsAndRadishes I had an affair and until I did I would have labelled myself "least likely to cheat"

But then I did.

It's like everyone who says "but I know for certain my husband won't cheat". No. No you don't. You can hope and believe he won't cheat, but you can never know for sure.

After reading this thread I googled the research on affair relationships out of curiosity. Research has found only 3% of relationships that start as an affair last long term - the vast majority fail - and they're significantly more like to fail than a relationship that starts when two people are single.

I have no real vested interest in this - I've never been cheated on as far as I'm aware - but this means @Tink3rbell30 perspective is more accurate than most on this thread.

Also anecdotally all the AP relationships I've known in my friends/family etc haven't lasted long, so it tallies with what I've seen.

Everyone who I know who did it, they have always stuck together and been extremely happy, the left party has ended up bitter and very lonely.

It’s a bit like having an opinion about the existence of poltergeists. You’re obviously entitled to think they exist, but all evidence suggests otherwise.

Nope I've clearly said many times it's my own opinions and experiences so don't try the false patronising act again. Very odd.

Being capable of cheating isn't the same thing as being guaranteed to cheat again.

Besides, everybody is capable of cheating. It's just that many people never do. Maybe the opportunity never arises, maybe they genuinely have no desire to cheat, maybe they've never met anyone that's even tempted them. Or maybe they've been sorely tempted but have thought better of it.

Either way, the world isn't broken down into two types of people, those who are capable and those who are incapable of cheating. Every day someone is unfaithful who previously thought they never would be.

@OliveThe0therReindeer
It would have made a whole lot more sense just to use 'they' then wouldn't it. Words matter.

@Basketballhoop
You really are insufferable. You have such a limited mind set, unable to see beyond the restrictions of your own immediate experience

@Tink3rbell30 isn't insufferable. They are damaged. Even with a hundred people detailing examples of people living happily ever after, they aren't able to allow this reality in to their minds. It hurts them too much.
Reasonable people realise of course that there is no single outcome and anyone like @Tink3rbell30 who insist there is only one outcome is speaking from pain not rational thought.

Either that or they are just trolling but for the sake of kindness it's probably best to assume they are just very much hurting and choosing to live in a deluded state as the alternative is too much for them to bear and it's probably better to just not engage with them

I'm sure I know you from West Wales.