Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

Sure, sometimes. Usually when the man, round about the time he took up with the new woman, is hitting the sort of age where his sex drive is dropping a bit and he's getting tired of womanising and the upheaval of starting a whole new life etc (or maybe just getting past the age where a lot of women fancy him). Or it's got to the point where another divorce will ruin him financially.

I have looked into the stats before and can't find any original sources for them - just lots of articles quoting various stats and not citing where from or even a whole lot of context! I found one that says this:

'the probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low. Based on the data available it is between three and five percent. Of those affairs that do end in marriage, most join the 75 percent of second marriages that fail which is significantly higher than first marriages.'

But... that's basing the whole stats on the premise that a relationship only even qualifies for the potential to be successful if it ends in marriage, - what about the 95% - 97% of relationships that don't end in marriage? Can't find anything on these! So if someone can point me in the right direction that would be great.

🙄

@MrsSunshine2b

Don't judge everyone by your own standards. Some people have more moral fibre than that. Cheating didn't just happen to you, you did it.
The point made that no one can know if their dp will ever cheat is true though.
No one can know what has not yet happened. Plenty dint know when it already has happened.

Affairs are as unique as the people who end up in them. I think it would naive to think it would never happen to you or that you yourself would never engage in one. Circumstances change dramatically through life.

The men I've known who have had exit affairs waited far too long to leave. They were unhappy for years but stayed because they had a family. I don't think they ever thought they'd leave. Then they meet a woman and have their head well and truly turned. They see the possibly for a much happier life and there's more on the 'other side' that makes it worth the jump. The affair tends to be really short and they remarry quickly. Those ones seem to be the happiest.

The serial cheats that simply can't own not being capable of monogamy seem the most miserable.

I've known women trapped in emotionally abusive marriages for years who have an exit affairs as a means to get out. It's not idea but people carry around varying levels of emotional fortitude and intelligence. It's not a level playing field.

My almost ex husband had a 6 month affair following the birth of our 3rd child, confessed and begged forgiveness saying it wasn’t her he wanted it was me, but that having 2 children quite quickly had changed our relationship. Yes, he was no longer centre of my world.

fast forward 9 years and I discovered the affair he was “forever guilty and racked with remorse every day” for had restarted within 6 months of his confession and been on/off over that 9 years. They lasted 3 years initially, she refused to leave husband, so it ended for a few years. He tried again but she had had another baby with husband so she said no, then it resumed again and finished and picked up once again at the beginning of 2023. I found out and left him late that year. He told me they were soul mates blah blah.

12 month on he’s not with her and his life has spiralled into something awful as he’s recently gained a criminal conviction and alcohol problem. He’s a professional and his career is probably ruined.

i feel nothing but relief that the marriage is over. I stayed way too long in reality - marriage was 24 years. He continues to blame me for everything though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

There's a huge moral gap between allowing your kids more screen time than you intended and betraying and then continuously lying to the person you chose as a life partner and parent to your children. There's even a gap between getting hideously drunk and having a one night stand, and having a long term affair. The decision to come home every night and pretend everything is normal, going through the normal motions of married life, the whole time knowing the whole thing is a lie and at some point you are about to shatter your family's lives is pretty black and white to me.

Of course I know I did it. I never once said 'it happened to me'. It was a choice that I made. But it's a choice I never thought I would make, until I did.

My partner cheating when we had a 3 month old baby devastated me . I really wish he had just finished things , he hasn’t seen dd1 for 20 years, which tbh is a relief .

We have mutual friends that's how I know.
Relationships break up all the time for a variety of reasons and life is too short to spend in a dead relationship.
I'm guessing you have experience from the other perspective - you're entitled to your opinion

it's like "everyone is a perfect parent until they have kids". I am always wary of anyone too adamant and I would NEVER! Life is never black and white, you don't know what will happen, and you sure don't know what happened to other people and why.

It's also not quite the same to have someone having 2 relationships at the same time, having sex and saying I love you to 2 women (or men), and people on a rocky marriage they should have left earlier but only realising when they fell in love.

I know it makes people feel better to pretend a relationship with OW won't work, but it's just not true.

Having a relationship starting on a clean slate is not a guarantee it will work either!

I had to spend my daughter’s wedding with my ex husband and the OW…. I was charm itself throughout, even if I do say so myself!
They seem happy enough, but I can’t forgive the attitude towards our adult children, who , understandably, took my side when the break up happened. There is no tangible effort on his part to maintain a good relationship with them. He complains they don’t always answer texts… but they are very busy people,and can’t always reply immediately. They say that when they text him HE doesn’t reply!!!
I don’t understand it… he never used to be like this, so I can only conclude it is the influence of the OW…🫤

I , however am happily remarried and enjoy a good relationship with my kids.

Don't judge everyone by your own standards. Some people have more moral fibre than that. Cheating didn't just happen to you, you did it.

I would have a little more sympathy with the average cheat if they wanted to marry their affair partner to begin with but were effectively blocked from doing so by their family, and were then put under a huge amount of public and family pressure to make a failing marriage work.

I’ve been cheated on and also had an affair. For me it was a catalyst to end my relationship, which was awful (cocklodger of the highest order), which I did almost immediately although admittedly I should have ended it first. It’s not crossed my mind to cheat again since, so I don’t agree with ‘once a cheater always a cheater’.

I know quite a few long term couples where it has - they all had one thing in common though, the affair part was short not long and drawn out. Don’t known if that makes makes any difference.

not sure why and how that would help 😂

But where is his karma? The man is getting on a bit now, about time his karma came. <<<<sarcasm in case anyone thinks I'm being serious.

I've just googled and got 25% succeed
https://aboutaffairs.com/can-relationships-that-start-as-affairs-succeed/

Maybe those relationships that start with affairs keep it quiet. And don't do questionnaires about it?

I’m renting temporarily while in the middle of a sale. It’s a huge beautiful house where the landlady is renting two rooms. A man came to see the other room and the LL wanted me to meet him to make sure I was happy. We were all chatting etc and poor man started crying because he’s separating from his wife and has two children. I started crying because I felt so sad for him and the children.

the landlady said bring the children wherever you want. There are two large TV rooms, huge kitchen area , hang out with them, cook for them etc.

I’ve seen his young Ukrainian girlfriend twice , but he’s yet to bring his children.

Affairs are just a fact of life. What many people don't appreciate is the vast majority of mammals, and nearly all primates, are polygynous. Indeed, the majority of human civilisations had a polygynous structure - monogamy is really a new concept for human societies, and its has largely flourished due to civilisations who adopt this structure outcompeting polygynous societies.

So yes, men will typically seek a greater number of sexual opportunities and women will typically seek partners with greater resources, and these behaviours are far more hard wired than people realise.

You really need to list your sources. If you search hard enough with Google you can usually find “research” that will back up practically any claim, no matter how ridiculous.

As far as I’m aware, my ex & my ex friend are now married and have been for a while.
I hope they’re living the lives they deserve

I'm sorry that you are going through that right now. Being cheated on is hard to deal with and brings up all sorts of complex emotions and heart breaking situations.

Many people in this thread have been cheated on, myself included, or indeed have cheated but I don't see anyone making light of it. What I do see is a lot of people who have come through the other side of a cheating relationship and have moved on with their own lives.

The people we haven't much heard from are those who were the OW/OM and took the crumbs, sat a home putting their lives on hold for someone who is just having a bit on the side and not caring about their spouse/partner or AP because that happens a lot in affairs, empty promises that are never fulfilled. Even if the spouse discovers the affair quite a few stay together in the end. I honestly don't understand why people accept the crumbs as APs but then few would understand why I stayed with a cheater too

As I said in a previous post people are complex.

The only thing anyone can take from this thread is that it really hurts when a relationship you are in breaks down.

Cheaters deserve a prison sentence.