Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

I was the OW and we are still together over a decade later and recently got married. Even his adult children now accept that we are a better match then him and their mother.

Yes. ExH married his OW and they have young kids together. Much as I am still disgusted with his behaviour at the time, I am glad it wasn’t for nothing in that respect. And as for me, I very quickly realised I was happier without him, and subsequently met a truly wonderful man who surpasses my ex in every conceivable way. If my ex hadn’t cheated, I never would have met him and I can’t fathom life without him now

A lot of married people I know that ended up with one or another (or both) having affairs didn’t seem to be able to react to changes in their relationship that showed they weren’t the same people they used to be. Some people don’t evolve and grow, and some do.

Theres often a lot of putting up with crappy behaviours from the other partner, even though they weren’t happy themselves because they simply couldn’t fathom that people grow, change and move on and sometimes you have to let something go and even when you do realise it, it’s hard to do that. Some people don’t want to do it, and continue to yearn for what’s already passed even though it doesn’t do anyone involved any good.

Sometimes, in a situation like that people don’t realise how unhappy they are until they meet someone that does make them happy. Sometimes people shouldn’t be in a relationship because they’re selfish arseholes always looking for their next ego boost.

My FIL had an affair in 1984 and left MIL, he was still with OW when she died about 30 years later and absolutely no indication he cheated on OW. My MIL has never really got over but had a friendly relationship with FIL until his death.

Yes, my exDP left for an OW and they have been together for 14 years and are married. Once over the duplicity and the shock (it took a while...) I met lovely DP of 11 years. But even without him, after a year or two I did a wee jig of joy every day realising that I didn't have to deal with the selfish manchild that exDP was. I am immeasurably happier than I would have been, I presume exDP and OW are too - I genuinely can't thank her enough for taking him off my hands!

yes - they went on to get married and have two kids etc. it actually made me feel better their feelings for each other where genuine / long term and they were better suited to each other too

It's really hard to be sanguine when they leave and shack up with the OW. I was devastated but in fact, in reality, she did me a massive favour. it just takes a convoluted path to get to the point of realisation.

With my ex, he asked to come back after a couple of months but why would I want a cheating asshole? I desperately wanted him back but he would have stunk of her and I could never have forgiven him for the things he did and said and how he stood by and allowed her to abuse me.

He returned to her for a short time and then left her too.

I agree with PPs. I think they often doggedly stay with the OW even though she was merely a symptom.

What a great post.

I've seen affairs progress to marriages, then shitty marriages, one broken and another by yet another affair, and then divorce. Not my idea of a life well spent but, y'know, some people thrive on drama.

My cousin was a victim of domestic violence, her now fiancé and father of her child was in an unhappy marriage where they knew their wife was cheating. They shared a kiss, and I would say had an emotional affair. Their feelings for each other forced them to leave toxic relationships and they’re very happy.

Generally I believe it’s best to leave for YOU and work on yourself after a bad relationship (ie be single for a while) but for them it worked out and I am happy for them.

There are serial cheaters and there are people who fall in love.
Affairs aren't always black and white.

I would like to think that when an ex of mine was cheating he would burn in hell with the affair partner.

No. They said that with each other they felt like they were "home".

Looking back I'm glad I'm not with him now, so many things have happened since in my life, I met other people, had children etc etc - all things I wouldn't have done with him.
He wasn't my "home" and I wasn't his.

I have a friend who was the OW. The affair was around 10 years ago and they’re now married with 2 young children. It’s not a perfect marriage but they seem mostly happy.

My mum cheated on my dad with a married man over 40 years ago. Two families were torn apart. She is still married to her affair partner, and is absolutely miserable. He has a horrid temper, struggles to earn money, and still has to work, despite being well past retirement age. It’s painfully obvious at weddings and graduations how much more well off my dad and his new wife are, and that probably stings a bit. Maybe she has stayed to justify blowing up two families and her husband’s children all going NC with them. Maybe it’s because she’s too old to get out on the scene and meet a new man. Who knows.

That's so nice to hear. Being a step parent is a minefield. It's lovely when it works out.

I’ve know three affairs that have turned into long term marriages and about ten that have fizzled out.

If you truly believe what goes around comes back around then surely you must believe that the people on this who got cheated on deserved it...

It often works out well for these couples, despite what your well-meaning friends will tell you.

My dad cheated on my Mum 30 years ago and he is still with his mistress they have never married and sometimes I am not sure if he is happy as he is so hen pecked but yes it does work out.

My mum met my fabulous stepdad so I guess that's the karma as she is so happy and we all love him

DH didn’t cheat with me but he left his first wife because he fell for me in our (completely platonic) working relationship. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary in the summer. Not sure if that counts for this thread, but he’s never given me reason to doubt him.

Not me personally but I know one affair that has lasted.

The others I know about ether went tits up or just fizzled out.

It’s all true. In isolation 2 unhappy people irregardless of marital state can find each other and leave existing relationships and be happy. I have been cheated on twice 1st marriage he didn’t marry her but did marry someone else also cheated and now divorced and “dating” which is a fancy term for cheating on all of them with someone else. DP of 5 yrs ended relationship for another woman not sure what had happened but we were still together and then suddenly he was dating someone else he cheated on her for the first year even while engaged they never married and now he’s single and she’s married to someone else. What they have in common is they both wanted more. They both thought they could find someone better than me (and apparently all the others). Accelerating commitment can play into this….a man gives up his wife house kids money for someone else so it has to work out for them with OW otherwise they made a huge mess with so little gain. I do in fact believe in karma mistress vacancy and serial cheaters I have seen it in real life. I have one relative 25 yr age gap who was OW he married her and just died unexpectedly at 86. 35 yrs together. I do think his children suffered tho and yet persevered to go onto happy adult marriages themselves. There was estrangement but some reconciliation as time went on. To me globally I would say I have never seen a man leave his female partner for someone I thought was so much better suited or so much more in love with or went on to such a better life.

I think sometimes we hang on for grim death to something because we feel we should, on principle. How dare it not work? It's like admitting defeat. But when the decision is taken out of our hands, we can, with hindsight, realise it was the right decision for everyone and we are all happier having moved on, even if it felt shit at the time.

There is so many factors affecting why people cheat and even more factors affecting how the subsequent relationship works out.

If you have been left for someone else OP, all you can do is concentrate on yourself.

Ex DH married OW who eventually cheated on him, they got divorced and he met someone else - he then cheated on her and married this OW who is now wife no3
They seem happy enough! According to my adult DC they think he’s just settled and is too old to try again with someone new

That line is used to justify the cheating, blowing up other people's lives (often young children's) and the massive financial cost. They probably think it sounds better then they wanted to fuck each other