Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

DH is 5 years older than me, not a huge age gap.

It's the truth, it will always catch up with them. Seen it multiple times, karma will always get the ones who betray and destroy someone they were supposed to love.

Karma doesn't work in a liniar tit for tat way.

We all know there are many awful people who get away with one horror after another with no shame and no consequences.
And people are stupid. They do stupid things. They do things they regret. They do things they wouldn't do later in life.
Most of them are not getting karma for it. Karma is a spiritual concept that like many spiritual or religious concepts, asks us to accept pain in the here and now for a reward later on, or as a means to control.

I bet there are more relationships that start as emotional affairs than people realise. Especially when the person breaks up and then suddenly has a loyal partner arrive "out of the blue" within a year.

I know many people who have fallen in love whilst in relationships who have then left before physically cheating. But they have checked out of their relationship a year or so before the actual breakup and are having close companionship and conversations with their next partner regardless of whether the new relationships has been consummated or not.

I also wonder how many affairs start now with the internet between old school friends or exes. Three of my friends over the years have paired up with people in this way. Chatting a lot and then becoming emotional crutches to each other and then eventually leaving the partner for. And they've stayed with these people.

And of course the other thing is people who have lifelong affairs but for financial reasons are staying with the person they are cheating on. The internet has changed everything and secret relationships can feel real even if people live miles away from each other, what with sexting and the ability to have real time conversations anywhere you like rather than having to write a letter, use the house telephone, plan weekends away etc. I know someone who has been having a text affair for a decade with their ex from school.

FIL has been with OW for 22 years. They didn’t remarry because him and MIL had a messy divorce. MIL isn’t happier and never moved on. She still regularly gets upset over FIL, tries to find out what’s going on in his life, falls out with us if we have any contact at all with OW- which after them being together for 22 years is unavoidable.

It’s really sad and I wish she’d met someone but it never happened and now she’s older and sick so I’m not sure it ever will.

It's really not. Trying to build a relationship from betraying someone else will always be tainted and they will get what they deserve whether it's sooner or later down the line.

XH1 has now been with the OW over 30 years - when he posted this happy fact on FB it proved that their relationship started while we were married, well before he stopped hassling me for sex multiple times per week.

I don’t know whether they’ve been happy, but I certainly am.

Karma hits those that betray/hurt others etc.

This is such nonsense. Unless those that get hurt/cheated on/betrayed in the first place also somehow deserve it? In which case, how are they also so innocent as to invoke some divine retribution? Some people will tell themselves anything.

'Not everyone who has an affair is cut from the same cloth or has an affair for the same reasons. As much as I understand why some people want (or need?) to believe this 'when a man leaves his wife for his mistress he creates a vacancy' trope, the evidence isn't there to show that it's always the case.'

But it's true. The kind of people who cheat are liars and sneaks. They don't have a personality transplant just because they get caught and their hand is forced so they then take up with their fling. They just become more careful with their cheating.

I do and it always catches up with cheaters and anyone involved with them.

I don't think you understand what karma is.

Honestly, that's nonsense. Not everyone who has an affair is cut from the same cloth or has an affair for the same reasons. As much as I understand why some people want (or need?) to believe this 'when a man leaves his wife for his mistress he creates a vacancy' trope, the evidence isn't there to show that it's always the case.

Some people will cheat constantly and move from relationship to relationship in search of the happiness they think they deserve but they never find it because they are the problem and they simply don't have what it takes to hold down a relationship for life. Some people get cheated on or simply left, because they don't have what it takes to hold down a relationship for life. For many other people, they are not the problem. Their partner isn't the problem. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with either of those people, but people change, grow apart. Sometimes you just meet someone that changes everything, even if you were not looking for them and life is never the same again. You can't rest or sleep or feel whole until you can be with them publicly and properly. What you thought was happiness, or at least adequate contentment, suddenly seems like a living a lie and a half life. You need the real deal. The thing that makes you feel, as someone upthread said, 'home'. Complete.

I realise this can be utterly shit for the people who get hurt. It's not always a bed of roses for the affair partners either, if that's any consolation. It sucks, but sometimes it needs to be done.

No it doesn't. Karma hits those that betray/hurt others etc. Obviously nobody deserves to be cheated on? But the cheaters will get what they deserve whether it's quick or in years to come.

My step father left my mother for another woman. They married, had a child and stayed together till he died, think it was about 30 years.

Yes it does. Think about it.
Or do you think karma is only for some people and not others?

A friend of mine cheated on his long term partner, as did a male relative of mine. My friend is still with OW but has admitted that he isn't happy, it was just a bit of excitement and he feels like he needs to stay with her because he fucked up his relationship and also got OW pregnant. He's not happy, he's said this.

My relative hasn't confided anything in me but him and OW aren't as suited as him and his ex wife and there doesn't seem to be much of a connection between them.

you're a very lazy journalist

I've known a few where they stayed together - in one case he definitely then cheated on the OW- and a few where they've broken up. About 50/50

My mum left my dad and married the OM. It'll be 50 years next year... 43 years longer than her first marriage.

Yes and No, just like any coupling. I've known folks who had affairs and went off with OW/OM and still together, and some who split after the excitement of not going behind backs and clandestine meets/shags wore off. I will say one 'observation ' though....of the ones who are still together, none of them fully trust the other!! It's as though because they had affairs, it might happen again.

I was the OW and we've since been together 16 years.

Believe me, their mother is not a nice person.

This is always the narrative though isn't it...?

just think there's no need to cheat. If you're not happy, leave.

I didn’t say there is. My point was that even when a lot of people know their relationship is over they aren’t brave enough to move on.

Great post!

May I ask how you've kept the sexual spark alive in this relationship?

My aunt was married to a man who left her and the 4 small children for another woman. The ex husband has been happily married to the OW for a good 35 years now and they have 2 children of their own.

My aunt was bitter for many years but then met another man who she subsequently married who is wonderful.

I'd struggle to be with a man knowing I was the OW.
Win by the sword, die by the sword, and all that.

I can think of a couple of relationships I know of that have lasted the long haul starting from an affair, but I often wonder what it's actually like in that relationship though, are they more...stuck together as a result? Trying to condone their actions? I can't imagine trusting someone who cheated on someone else. I can understand falling for someone else to a degree but I don't understand disrespecting your partner so much by establishing a full blown affair, it says a lot about them? They can't be a good person?