Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

Bless you, my household would blow your mind. Now I expect you’ll call me a liar, and that’s fine. I don’t think anyone reading this thread doesn’t see you’ve clearly been hurt badly and left uncontrollably bitter and convinced you’re unassailably right. I hope you grow and find peace.

There might be dozens of cheats very happy with their flings but I bet one or both of the couple are still cheating given the opportunity.

It's a mentality, not always because a relationship is rubbish but because cheats like the thrill of the secrecy, the thrill of lying.

Bit like boozers or gamblers always saying they'll change, they don't they just hide it more effectively.

This resonated. I met the right one, married the wrong one, he cheated on me but I stayed, the right one came back and in between I divorced ex h.

We don't live in a fair world, sadly. Even if it all works out just cushty for all the adults, including the wronged party/parties, the trauma can be massive for any and all kids involved. If this thread reminds me of anything it's how utterly selfish parents can be.

My aunty and uncle had an affair years ago when I was about 9 or 10. I didn’t find out until years later. They were both in their 40’s and had children on each side. My aunty (mum’s younger sister) had married a man a lot older (16 years older) and it just didn’t work out.

Anyway, both are now in their 80’s and still very much a loving couple. Kids all grew and flew
the nest but all get on. My first uncle passed away a few years ago but she always looked out for him and was there at the end. He never remarried. He became good friends with my new uncle, believe it or not!

Sometimes, affairs happen for a reason.

I don't believe it. I've never seen it 'happy' and I'm glad I haven't.

But this thread is full of dozens of people who know those who've been together for decades very happily. I don't agree with cheating and it's not the ideal start to a relationship, but not all cheating = doomed. There's a big difference, imo, to someone cheating on a partner they met at 18 because they're unfulfilled and have grown apart and they've met someone better suited to them than someone serially fucking other people because they're just not very nice. Both are equally morally awful, but one could easily lead to a happy fulfilled relationship that is otherwise perfectly good and the other is a lot less likely to. People are people and they make mistakes - given how prevalent cheating is, I don't think we can draw a line in the sand and say anyone who ever cheats is a terrible person incapable of having a healthy faithful relationship ever. There's a lot more nuance than that.

My uncles first wife and the man she left him for are still together, over 30 years later. Seems very happy. My uncle remarried, very happy.

I was very young when she walked out, taking their toddler one Christmas, as you can imagine her name was mud for many years after.

The reality is, both uncle and first wife were ludicrously young to be getting married and absolutely nobody would encourage them if they were talking about doing so at the same respective ages today. Did she behave poorly? Absolutely, but they were barely in their 20’s at the time.

My dad. He was with my mum for 25 yrs, married very young, but they constantly argued and growing up I couldn't understand what they saw in each other, being very different people.

Then later in my teenager years he started cheating on her with whoever paid him attention, but he wouldn't commit to anyone (incl one of the women madly love with him and she contacted me on social media - that's how I found out everything).

Then he met his currrent wife and that was it, they had children together. 20 yrs later and they are still very much peas in the pod living lifestyle both dreamed of and he does more housework for her too.

My mum was the empty shell stripped of any self esteem when I was teen. Likely undiagnosed autistic. Found someone very decent who would accept her for who she is (going strong 15 yrs) and would tell anyone that second half of life is so much better...

Yes. You could tie yourself in knots. 😂

Such a silly notion.

Of course plenty work out, plenty also dont but if someone is cheating they don't love you so why punish yourself by mulling over the fairness of it all; life isn't fair, karma isn't real and how you get them is how you lose them is by no means always the case. My ex cheated on me and they're happily married a decade later, at the time it hurt but he obviously didn't love me by that point and it's given me the chance to move on.

My partners friend, when single, had an affair with a woman who had two children. She left her partner for him. They then didn't work out, because he didn't like fact she had children 🤔A few years later, she sadly died of suicide, although it was mainly unrelated to the affair / breaking up of her family.

In the meantime, he went on to drunkenly kissing two best friends, at different times, causing a riff between them. He started a relationship with one of them, and strung her along for years - they had a mortgage agreed in principle, when he cheated on her, and suddenly left her for the OW.

OW got pregnant accidentally-on-purpose a few weeks in, and they are now together. She is extremely (and for good reason), worried about him cheating, to the point where she once messaged loads of his friends and family, saying he was having an affair. To my knowledge, this time he actually wasn't. They've been together 18 months, so we'll see how it goes...

My exH was with OW long enough to buy a house and have a baby (he complained to me about wanting neither!). It fizzed out shortly after I think.

However I worked with a guy who had an affair with someone else in our office - both married with no kids. They’ve been together 25 years plus and had a family

Narrative or not, this woman is far from a decent human being.
After my bil left her she went on to form a relationship with a registered sex offender, she had two further children with with this man. He went on to assault her 14 year old dd who has been going through years of therapy in order to get through her life. The mother has never supported her child or acknowledged what happened. None of her DC have a good relationship with her.

My best friend at school’s parents got together when they were both married to other people. Married and stayed together until friend’s dad died. There was quite a big age gap IIRC, must have been more than 15 years. My friend’s siblings were all middle aged when we were in high school.

Yes. My parents split up because if a third party and they were together happily for over 20 years before one person died.

I will say that my parents were fine together but after the split they both grew into different versions of themselves and their news partners suited them.

That might not be what you want to hear but the hopeful message is that even the one "left" went on to be happier. The key was not to be bitter (no inference, just an observation of what I saw)

My ex of 30 years had multiple affairs which came to light when I finally kicked out
hes marrying the OW in the summer
big surprise he’s cheating on her already
on it goes Karma will get him eventually

Maybe she cheated in a former life? Makes as much sense as believing in karma in the first place.

My Dad left my Mum for my stepmum, 42 years ago. They're still together, not sure I'd describe them as happy and I'm not NC with my Dad mainly due to the emotional fall out the pair of them caused but they are still together 🤷🏼‍♀️

My nan was the OW, she was very young though (only 17) when she met my grandad.They were together for over 50 years until he passed away. I don't believe he ever cheated on my nan, learnt his lesson.

But I know he really hurt his ex wife and children from his first marriage by cheating and leaving.

Yes, my husband ran off with what I thought was my best friend. They are still together 20 years later, although according to a mutual acquaintance, it's not been entirely rosy for her (he has lifelong mental health issues). To be honest I was much more upset at losing her...

I know a happily married couple of nearly 25 years that started as an affair.

It's comforting to think these things won't last when your in the depths of the pain of betrayal, but eventually you don't give a shit either way.

I've seen this happen where the children had disabilities or needed a lot of care. Usually the male partner was the one who left.

DH’s first wife ran off with their next door neighbour. It didn’t last.

I know plenty of people who married their OW or OM who are still together decades later. Some are very happy, some not.

The people they shit on though will bear those scars forever so while they might be sunshine and daisies they're ruined other people's lives (not that I think they care).

Personally, I've only been cheated on once (he slept with my sister). I'm now one sister down as I no longer speak to her (and haven't for a very long time) they can both go rot (though their 'love that was just too true to deny' lasted about 6 months and then he cheated on her with someone else. He's still with that person now last time I heard).

I meant to write "the concept of Karma as being discussed here by some posters is as a good for good / bad for bad idea."

Karma in Buddhism is something else and not so simplistic and fatalistic.
More of a cause and effect rather than a punishment or redressing or reward.