Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

I was the ow..We were both married and both our marriages weren't great. We were friends for a few years and fell in love over time, i was the ow for around 3 months before we both decided we needed to be together properly.

He has no children whereas I had 3.

We have now been together for 19 years and are each others soulmates.

you sound awfully bitter. Of course divorcing/ separating is painful, but for most people, it's not the end of the world, they move on. Not everyone is "destroyed" because they are divorced! Looking at the number of divorce, thank god for that.

People turn the page, move on and hopefully get a better life than they left. Someone cheats, it only means he or she wasn't the right one for you, and you didn't waste your life with them, you are free to find someone better.

If the cheating is fresh, I understand your anger, but if it's been awhile, you need to get some help to move on.

Some don't think it's a big deal. And yes there is from what I've seen.

Time to start shopping for a new hat 😂

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️

We simply don’t know how common it is.

I’ve seen various statistics shared on the subject, but I’ve never seen an actual source for them (reliable or otherwise).

there's probably a lot of truth in there

Yes those types will get what they deserve too. You might not think betraying and destroying another person and their children is a big deal but lots do and rightly so I'm glad I've only ever seen these types get what they deserve for doing it. A few responses from strangers gloating about a cheater they know being 'happy' doesn't change that.

To my knowledge my ex is not still with OW - no surprise as he was also seeing a third woman at the end of our marriage (and various others throughout the entirety of our relationship).

do you do a full background check on every couple you meet? You know exactly who was married before, when they started sleeping together? really?

no one says it's "perfectly fine" behaviour, we are saying it doesn't stop people being happy, and there's no divine punishment around the corner.

I know these stats well and this is exactly what has played out in the affairs I have known they generally fail.

Affairs are often are symptomatic of deep seated problems in the cheats and this doesn’t change when they meet someone new.

I think this question always makes people think of the one they know that did work but they forget ALL those that don't.

clearly not everybody's experience.

And deserve what exactly? It's unkind, it's morally very wrong, but it's not that important.

If there was karma.. what about the ones who abuse their kids, abuse their wives? (sorry but it's more often the husband in these scenario). If people got "what they deserve" or what you think they deserve, something would happen to all the ones who stay married, don't cheat, but treat their wife like crap, leave her with all the mental and physical load, don't support her ever, keep their full time job, their hobbies, their evenings and weekends off, their night sleep. Meanwhile, their wives are left in tears, completely overwhelmed and unappreciated, and stuck because they have given up pretty much everything to take care of the family.

So no, I don't think starting a new relationship a bit too early is the worst thing in the world, and I don't buy for a second there's a "karma" attached to it.

"Cheaters" and cyclists seem pretty happy generally

Who is collecting this information and are people being honest?

You know the world doesn't only consist of you and the few people you know, don't you?

I don’t believe that these relationships are all hearts and flowers. I think they kind of have to make them work when they’ve blown up two families.

The couple I know where one party had the affair and left the first family aren’t that happy. They will probably stay together as finances dictate it’s the only way. The children from the first marriage are also very bitter and resentful

Sorry, I am going to have to agree with @TwigletsAndRadishes on this one.

Back in the mists of time, my Dad got Mum pregnant and as per the social expectations at the time, they married. With the benefit of hindsight as an adult, and looking back on their relationship, they were never meant to be.

They went on to have three children, my mum was raised very traditionally and knew marriage wasn't all hearts and flowers but she did expect loyalty, trust and faithfulness. None of which she got. My Dad had multiple flings and eventually Mum chucked him out, Years later, he still had the cheek to tell me it was Mums fault they got divorced as she was the one that chucked him out when he was willing to give it another go. I laughed at him and said he had a cheek as it wasn't his first affair and we had moved several times to "start afresh" after his latest fling. My Dad was a coward. In those days it was a stigma being divorced.

And yes my Dad was the author of his own destruction BUT, my Mum and Dad should never have been anything but a passing fling, they were just not suited. They were not in love, they were in lusty! Dad could have walked away and left mum to be a single parent which in those days was social disgrace, but he did not, he married her. They continued on to have three of us (I am the youngest), but they were both miserable and only us kids gave them a common bond.

My Dad behaved very badly, but then I do have to consider he married the wrong person and he was bitterly unhappy .

My Mum divorced my Dad. He went on to marry someone and live with them for 40+ years, he was a different person, loyal, and committed because she was the right someone for him. You couldn't have found a person more far removed from my Mum, in outlook, appearance, moral, standards and family sentiment if you tried.

I don't condone or forgive his behaviour but I can see why my parents were not suited. They should never have been together and if I am honest, although it would mean I never existed, I wish for my parents sake that they had split earlier and not tried to do the right thing by sticking together for us kids. They were very young when they married, very naïve and didn't really know themselves well enough, let alone, each other to be married.

For this reason alone, many years later, I and my Mum, found it in our hearts to forgive (but not forget) my Dads affairs and wished him well.

But from you perspective, I suppose my Dad did get what he deserved because wife no.2 was bloody weird.😉

Surprised by these answerers
All the ones I knows ( bar one) haven't.
And at my age I've known a lot have flings / affairs.
One (after4 kids) 6 years before divorce.
Another lasted 20 years before divorce...
Most I know stay with wife, rebuild and are surprisingly happier , or if wife chucks them out, are miserable with ow. (And begging ex wife to take them back - ex wife is busy living the high life by then, counting her blessing , hardly believing her luck. )
Relationship are hard, and take hard work - like anything.
I haven't had an affair but messed up 2 marriage due to immaturity- I've worked very hard on marriage number 3 , and have received every reward going in this relationship- I'm very lucky, but I've put the work in - and still do.

Disagree. People say things like this because it’s more palatable to think that someone cheated on you because they have some type of thrill-seeking addiction, rather than face the truth that they just found someone else they liked more.

Very often, it works out.

And whether or not it’s fine behaviour is irrelevant as to whether it works out or not.

It will. Ignore anyone who think it's perfectly fine behaviour.

I'd like to believe that, but it often doesn't seem the case, judging from the responses here. 🤷‍♀️

That shouldn't be surprising, especially from financial perspective.

I don’t agree. I have been with the OW for 25 years. Happily.

I have never cheated in that time. It has never occurred to me to do so.

I agree with this. It's inexcusable, but many tell themselves they will "make do" until someone turns their head.

I just googled whether affair relationships last after reading this thread - out of curiosity...

The research suggests they are far less likely to last than relationships that start when both parties are single - apparently only around 3% of affair relationships last long term.

It's interesting everyone on this thread seems to think otherwise. I've never been cheated on as far as I know, but all the friends/family I've known who have been cheated on, the AP relationship has never worked out.

🙄