My 18 year old told me last night about something that happened at the swimming pool when she was in Year 7/8

It’s awful that it’s fairly common that unwanted, scary or confusing acts from older or predatory men are teenagers’ first experiences of being desired.

How did your DD seem when she told you - sad, serious, laughing about it? It seems like it stuck in her mind and I would wonder if there’s a reason she was thinking about it or there’s more she wants to tell you. But this is just going on my own experiences, and hopefully it was just a one-off thing that she had forgotten about until she told you

100% this.
Often when divulging earlier abuse, the victim gently tests the waters.

Because sadly it can be “dismissed “ by parents - (Seen it happen many times.)

Maybe as it’s too shocking for the parent to acknowledge.

@JMSA how are you feeling now pal?

Im sorry this happened to your lass but thankful she wasn’t alone with him!

I remember getting beeped at by 3 cars on the way to a Yr 6 school disco.
My dad nearly battered some bloke who commented 'yum, she's got the pose' when I was having a street caricature done in Portugal aged 13!

Aye you're right, it was a reflex erection. A reflex because he was turned on by being around pre/pubescent girls in their swimming costumes.

Any decent bloke who had a reflex erection would have stayed in the water until it went. Not proudly paraded his erect cock for said young girls to see.

The OP's DD had a feeling he was creepy. Those instincts should never be diminished. Those instincts are what keep us safer. Not safe, because women and girls are never safe from creepy predatory men. But our instincts keep up that little bit safer.

I think nearly every girl has encountered a creep like this at some point in their lives 😔 it's completely unacceptable. I hope young women feel more empowered to report this kind of thing in 2025 than we did in the 1980s. I think it was just brushed under the carpet for the most part then.

Do you think Mumsnet could add a shoe horn emoji?

I’d really be trying to have another chat just to make sure she doesn’t need to tell you more? She may have opened up with half a story as sadly that often happens . She may be testing if it’s ‘safe’ to open up fully. I would gently ask is she ok and that you were pleased she felt able to talk to you and is there anything else she needs to talk about. Sadly some men are disgusting and what happened was bad enough but you may need to check there wasn’t more to it

I dont know why some men do this and think its ok. When I was in year 7/8 my PE teacher wore shorts with no underwear and sat in such a way that there was no doubt he wasnt wearing any. Few years after I finished my degree found he left the profession after making inappropriate comments to students and a sexual affair (not with a student) on school grounds

Ewww. Isn’t it sad that probably most of us can tell a similar tale?

Agreed.
Most women I know were sexually abused as children ( middle class “nice” families) it was appallingly common.

Well said. Even horny teenage boys have the sense to try and disguise unexpected erections. I can recall walking with a stoop and hands in pockets a lot as teenage lad. 😆

A friend and I experienced a creepy man trying to grope at us. We were on a mostly school bus, in school uniform, aged 11/12.
Not all men, but always men, and just about all women have a story of some adult male perving at them at that age, sometimes sadly worse. I hate what they take from us.

Just as well men can’t get into the woman's changing rooms, isn’t it?

Oh wait…..

When I was about 10, I was at a friend's house (she was the same age). Her dad came into the room and commented, with a laugh, that her 'lovely little titties' were developing.

Really unsettling. I didn't tell anyone at the time, and I normally shared everything with my mum. I really wish I had told someone.

I'm a guy and would be mortified to have a 'reflex' erection in a public swimming pool surrounded by my daughter and a bunch of young girls. In the very rare chance it was totally spontanious with no stimuli, I'd at least have the sense to stay in the water until it subsided.

I got flashed at in the park when aged 10 or 11.

I was walking back from school alone on the way home from school.

At least these days children are more chaperoned. In the 1970s 1980s I don't think they were much.

Because he was ‘acting a bit creepy’ towards young girls in a public pool. But you’re totally right, let’s give this random man the benefit of the doubt and teach OP’s DD that if you’re a female you’re automatically disbelieved. And whilst she’s at it she may as well silence that little voice telling her something is wrong because she’s just a silly girl and the poor man probably had a ‘reflex erection’ and all men are nice with good intent towards women and girls.

Oh I’ve had loads of unwanted attention but nothing that I couldn’t quite swiftly deal with. I more mean that there were never any repercussions of not reciprocating that unwanted affection.

Very good that your daughter can open up to you about this, even a few years on! I distinctly remember my friend and I being flashed by a man on a bridle path who yelled to get our attention then masturbated in front us. We ran away screaming and laughing then got home and told my mum (through desperate laughter) who obviously called the police and my friends mum, and they sat with us we were we filed a report. Only afterwards when my mum explained how incredibly predatory and scary his behaviour was did it sink in - we were young girls in our school uniform! After that we always had really open and honest conversations about anything I felt strange or uncomfortable about (and there was a lot, i was a well developed teenager growing up in a fairly undesirable area of the county). I really value now that we were (and still are) always able to talk about that kind of stuff! She also sent us to self defence classes straight after the incident which at the time I thought was insane but now.. I get it!

Gosh, that's horrible OP.

My friends and I were flashed at by a man in a car when we were about 12 when we were on our school bus. I didn't mention it to my mum until recently (early forties) and she was horrified. I'd been too embarrassed to mention it at the time.