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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset and put off by this comment

113 replies

Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:05

I have been dating a guy for 3 months.

Both have kids who happen to be with our exes the next few days so we’ve been having a blissful few days at his house, included lots of “adult time”.

All was great until we were talking about our past dating lives today and he told me about the last woman he dated “we ultimately weren’t compatible which was a shame because the sex was incredible”.

I feel vile now. Not just because I heard about how good sex was with someone else but also because it made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of enough respect and consideration for him not to share this tidbit with me.

We’ve been our for a bit and we’re on our way back to his now but the thought of having to have sex with him this afternoon is not appealing, which is a great shame as it’s been a highlight of our time together up until now!

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 03/01/2025 14:30

I am ambivalent about his comment. Your reaction is a valid one.

Like PPs I am mainly struck by the idea that you feel you ‘have to’ have sex whether you want to or not. You don’t.

TwistedWonder · 03/01/2025 14:30

Collette78 · 03/01/2025 14:19

I think it can be a little uncomfortable to talk in too much detail about sex with previous partners, but it sounds like he was trying to tell you that he needs more than good sex for a relationship so I wouldn’t be put off by this.

Good sex is great… but it’s not the basis of an excellent relationship.

TBF I think we should all share a little less detail sometimes!

This. And I think 3 months is still very early days in a relationship and you don’t have that real security yet to have this level of sharing about previous partners.

Trallers · 03/01/2025 14:29

For me, I'd be upset that he said it was "a shame", as if he'd rather be there in that relationship except they weren't compatible in other ways so he can't be.

crashbandicooty · 03/01/2025 14:28

This would be playing on my mind now every time I had sex with him, why would he say this!

Fiery30 · 03/01/2025 14:27

I find it really refreshing to talk about past experiences with a partner. It shows that we both feel comfortable with each other. It can help set expectations and preferences, especially if they really liked or disliked something in the past. These are all part of mature conversations. I always find it's better to be open, than be confused or have misunderstandings. Also, he didn't say anything wrong. He only stated what is important for him. You can't expect him to constantly censor his thoughts and only tell you what you want to hear. Clearly, he feels comfortable enough to say how we feels. It's a shame that he is being judged.

GoldsolesLugs · 03/01/2025 14:26

Summerhillsquare · 03/01/2025 14:26

A whim or a visceral gut reaction. Latter should be trusted IMO.

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See my later post...

GoldsolesLugs · 03/01/2025 14:26

maclen · 03/01/2025 14:23

I'm with you OP... My OH once mentioned he made someone squirt and he's not managed to do it with me (not that I've ever done it) But I do sometimes think back to that comment and think hmm does this mean I'm not as good in bed ect. I just don't think some details need to be shared...

Actually, I retract my former stance on "the ick". If I heard the words "made someone squirt" come out of someone's mouth, I'd run for the hills.

Summerhillsquare · 03/01/2025 14:26

GoldsolesLugs · 03/01/2025 14:11

Yep that's right - end a relationship on a whim. Don't bother thinking about why something makes you feel a certain way, just "get the ick" and out the door. So infantile.

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A whim or a visceral gut reaction. Latter should be trusted IMO.

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 03/01/2025 14:25

Way too much information. I think your reaction is very normal and reasonable. I wonder how he would have liked it if you had said the same thing about your most recent ex? Especially as he seems to have expressed some measure of regret that it didn't with out. A bit disrespectful, IMO.

maclen · 03/01/2025 14:23

I'm with you OP... My OH once mentioned he made someone squirt and he's not managed to do it with me (not that I've ever done it) But I do sometimes think back to that comment and think hmm does this mean I'm not as good in bed ect. I just don't think some details need to be shared...

ThisIsSockward · 03/01/2025 14:22

Well, now I see that you did tell him how you felt, which is good. Now he needs to be understanding that you may not feel like being physical with him again until you've recovered from the ick of that conversation. If he was being honest about sex not being the most important part of the relationship, he should be fine with it and happy to focus on other things until you feel that spark again.

PheasantPluckers · 03/01/2025 14:21

JHound · 03/01/2025 14:06

I don’t see the issue with the comment.

In fact it shows a bit of character and that he wants more than merely good sex.

Yes, exactly - he's showing he's after more than just sex. He didn't compare her to you in any way, it was just a comment.

But if you're no longer in the mood, there's certainly no 'having to have sex' with him!

Original poster
Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:21

WillItSnowTonight · 03/01/2025 14:19

Have you assumed he doesn’t find sex incredible with you plus he is compatible with you?

I might’ve felt better if he’d said that when I raised my discomfort with his comment. He didn’t though….

OP posts:
Original poster
Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:20

ThisIsSockward · 03/01/2025 14:18

I wouldn't want to hear any details (or quality ratings) of a love interest's romantic past. I don't think there's much to be gained by it, and it would only make me feel self-conscious about how he'd rank my own performance, not to mention squeamish about him.

But you might be able to get past this by telling him how it made you feel and that maybe these conversations aren't good for your relationship. It's okay to want less detail!

This exactly what I did so hopefully he’s not put off by the fact I raised it. I was very lighthearted about it and just said it crossed a boundary for me and I didn’t need to hear about how good sex with with someone else immediately before me. Can’t tell yet if he was put off by MY openness.

OP posts:
GoldsolesLugs · 03/01/2025 14:20

Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:15

It’s definitely 2!

I was honest with him that I felt really uncomfortable about it.

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That's great that you were able to tell him! Sounds like you've mostly solved the problem - just tell him that you don't want to hear about previous sexual partners in the future. If he doesn't respect this, then get rid.
If it's really stopped you fancying him at all then I guess the relationship's done, but that doesn't seem to be the case as you're posting here for advice!

WillItSnowTonight · 03/01/2025 14:19

Have you assumed he doesn’t find sex incredible with you plus he is compatible with you?

Collette78 · 03/01/2025 14:19

I think it can be a little uncomfortable to talk in too much detail about sex with previous partners, but it sounds like he was trying to tell you that he needs more than good sex for a relationship so I wouldn’t be put off by this.

Good sex is great… but it’s not the basis of an excellent relationship.

TBF I think we should all share a little less detail sometimes!

ThisIsSockward · 03/01/2025 14:18

I wouldn't want to hear any details (or quality ratings) of a love interest's romantic past. I don't think there's much to be gained by it, and it would only make me feel self-conscious about how he'd rank my own performance, not to mention squeamish about him.

But you might be able to get past this by telling him how it made you feel and that maybe these conversations aren't good for your relationship. It's okay to want less detail!

WithEase · 03/01/2025 14:15

Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:13

Yes. He did?

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Sorry I read it wrongly

i read it as NOT worthy of that info being kept in the dark - iyswim

Original poster
Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:15

GoldsolesLugs · 03/01/2025 14:14

I can see two ways of looking at it:

  1. He's sort of negging you, making you think about what a shag monster his ex is and trying to live up to her.
  2. He's really open and wants to be able to talk to you about anything.

Not sure which (though I think 1 is a bit of a reach), why don't you try talking about it to find out?

It’s definitely 2!

I was honest with him that I felt really uncomfortable about it.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 03/01/2025 14:15

LittleRedRidingHoody · 03/01/2025 14:09

If you've got the ick, you've got the ick!

Personally I find it easy to talk about/be open about previous sex with partners - but everyone is different.

This^
Some people are just more open then others ( it’s not me and it seems not you, OP) Is he generally open and relaxed in conversations?

However I will see his comment as that he is not just after sex. Or at least pretend to be 🙂

GoldsolesLugs · 03/01/2025 14:14

I can see two ways of looking at it:

  1. He's sort of negging you, making you think about what a shag monster his ex is and trying to live up to her.
  2. He's really open and wants to be able to talk to you about anything.

Not sure which (though I think 1 is a bit of a reach), why don't you try talking about it to find out?

Original poster
Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:14

Idontjetwashthefucker · 03/01/2025 14:10

I think he overshared a little, he didn't need to mention how good the sex was with someone else

This is how I felt. We’d shared a bottle of wine by this point so emotions were a bit amplified but I really felt it was TMI.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:13

WithEase · 03/01/2025 14:12

But he did share the tidbit with you by the sound of it?

Yes. He did?

OP posts:
WithEase · 03/01/2025 14:12

But he did share the tidbit with you by the sound of it?