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Original poster

Can’t compliment me

85 replies

Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 10:56

Hi all

I have been seeing someone since September last year. He has a lot of anxiety about me leaving him due to his past history, I am very reassuring on my feelings towards him and he doesn’t need to worry about this.

He cannot compliment me, he will only provide “banter insults” and he says this is because I have a big ego, and he doesn’t want my head getting any bigger.

i do not have a big ego.. in any sense! It would be nice to be told he thinks I’m beautiful or that I’m an amazing person and it’s starting to break my confidence.

i have spoken to him about it but he doesn’t provide me with any reassurance.

what would you do? TIA

OP posts:
BigButtons · 03/01/2025 11:45

Bin him.

honeylulu · 03/01/2025 11:45

Oh no, a negger! Just get rid, this won't get better.

It's doubly awful because not only does he fling insults at you but he tells you it's your fault he has to insult you because you're arrogant and bigheaded! Honestly, ask him why if you're so terrible he wants to be with you. Actually, you can spare him by dumping him.

I've come across a few neggers in my time, including my own mother and almost always it's rooted in the negger's own insecurity about themselves but that's not your problem. I'm astonished they don't see it drives people away and/or towards people who are nicer and more complimentary.

My mum used to tell me and my sister things like "you're no oil painting" and "you're nothing special". When I got my first boyfriend her comment was "he's only going out with you because he can't get anyone else". Sadly it just made me more susceptible to male flattery as the compliments felt so rare and lovely and i ended up in a few relationshipsthat were less than ideal (though later married someone nice). I'm not close to my mum now and she wonders why!!!

Paganpentacle · 03/01/2025 11:44

What would I do?
Leave him for someone who isnt so insecure that he cant compliment you.
Keeping you down to make him feel better is just.... shite. And selfish.

PhilomenaPunk · 03/01/2025 11:44

Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:38

He has never bought me a bunch of flowers. Wow I am pathetic! I need my head read.

I wouldn’t have usually gone for someone who didn’t make the kind of efforts I want, but because we have known each other a long time it just felt natural. We laugh a lot together which is what my previous long term relationship lacked (11 years) and perhaps I have set the bar too low because.. he made me laugh..

contacts therapist

This seems to happen with a lot of relationships that develop from friendships and I think it's the wrong way to go about things. You still need to date OP. You need days out, dinners, treats, romance. Not just go from friends to LTR status and miss out the honeymoon period in between. You deserve better than that.

moose62 · 03/01/2025 11:44

Perhaps he is getting tired of the relationship and this is his way of driving you away.
Either way, he isn't worth your time and effort. Find someone else who is.

Crazybaby123 · 03/01/2025 11:42

Get rid, banter insults only, no compliments, anxiety about you leaving him.. red red red flags all over. I reckon when you do try and leave he will cry and say how depressed and sorey he is. Then be an even bigger dick when you get back together. Does he keep you on the phone for hours, mainly talking about himself, does he have a sad backstory.. I bet he does.

FetchezLaVache · 03/01/2025 11:41

he will only provide “banter insults” and he says this is because I have a big ego, and he doesn’t want my head getting any bigger

That's the dictionary definition of negging. He is telling you he's negging you. Most neggers just neg, they don't explain that that's what they're doing and why. He means to destroy your self-confidence through a series of insults. When a person tells you who they are, believe them.

zingally · 03/01/2025 11:41

No wonder he's got a string of failed relationships...

Girl, throw this one back.

buttonousmaximous · 03/01/2025 11:40

So you need to massage his ego and build him up to make him feel better whilst he never makes you feel special. Doesn’t want to be the person to make you feel good about yourself and will mock you to make sure you don't feel good.

Yeah definitely get rid of this one.

Shrinkingrose · 03/01/2025 11:40

Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:38

It’s only been recent with the insults, two weeks to be exact

Show quote history

You’ve only been with him about 14-16 weeks!

Original poster
Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:38

Chowtime · 03/01/2025 11:33

How on earth did you develop a relationship with a man who never compliments you, only insults you. How did you find that sexy in any way?

It’s only been recent with the insults, two weeks to be exact

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:38

He has never bought me a bunch of flowers. Wow I am pathetic! I need my head read.

I wouldn’t have usually gone for someone who didn’t make the kind of efforts I want, but because we have known each other a long time it just felt natural. We laugh a lot together which is what my previous long term relationship lacked (11 years) and perhaps I have set the bar too low because.. he made me laugh..

contacts therapist

OP posts:
Nothatgingerpirate · 03/01/2025 11:38

Ah, don't bother with this one.
Nothing much in it for yourself 😕

Chowtime · 03/01/2025 11:34

Just a question - when was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?

Chowtime · 03/01/2025 11:33

How on earth did you develop a relationship with a man who never compliments you, only insults you. How did you find that sexy in any way?

Sardines57 · 03/01/2025 11:33

@Hellohihola yes you have been too nice to this man. I so hope you dump him, great start to 2025. It might seem a small thing not being complimented but as everyone is saying it’s deeply unpleasant the way he is treating you now (your big ego etc) and it will get worse and it will be harder to leave the longer you stay. I wouldn’t give him a big explanation, just keep it simple and firm.

LadyTable · 03/01/2025 11:29

Pussycat22 · 03/01/2025 11:10

I think it's called sex!

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No, that would be called FWB or fuck buddies.

Which until he sorts out his issues, he should stick to instead of inflicting his past onto others.

But there are always women out there who feel 'they'll be the one' to change them 🙄

Baileysatchristmas · 03/01/2025 11:29

I would dump him, sorry op.

Shrinkingrose · 03/01/2025 11:28

Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:26

Absolutely Not. It’s sad because I’m usually such a strong woman, and I need to find that version of myself thick and fast

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Then end it. I’m sorry but it is the only way. Once they start abusing. End it. No discussion. No excuse.

toomuchfaff · 03/01/2025 11:28

Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:25

He hates it, can’t take a compliment makes him very uncomfortable

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i can accept not being able to complement, but the flip to that is they shouldn't insult.

Shrinkingrose · 03/01/2025 11:28

Sardines57 · 03/01/2025 11:26

@Shrinkingrose I don’t understand why so many women put up with this, why isn’t their self esteem higher? Op sounds like a sweet woman. If he is so unkind so early in the relationship what will he be like in another year. It’s so depressing. I really hope she dumps him.

It’s how women end up in deeply abusive relationships. They see the red flags to start, and excuse it. Oh he had a bad childhood. He loves me really. They take the abuse. And it escalates. As it will in this situation. This is still the honey moon period. It’s a new relationship and he’s already ramping it up.

Original poster
Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:27

Sardines57 · 03/01/2025 11:26

@Shrinkingrose I don’t understand why so many women put up with this, why isn’t their self esteem higher? Op sounds like a sweet woman. If he is so unkind so early in the relationship what will he be like in another year. It’s so depressing. I really hope she dumps him.

Thank you - I actually am a really nice person! I think I’m far too nice for my own good, clearly

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:26

Shrinkingrose · 03/01/2025 11:20

I’d lay good money sadly on the op staying with him, ignoring the red flags and posting again and again as she becomes more and more abused by this arse hole and she becomes a shell of herself.

Show quote history

Absolutely Not. It’s sad because I’m usually such a strong woman, and I need to find that version of myself thick and fast

OP posts:
Sardines57 · 03/01/2025 11:26

@Shrinkingrose I don’t understand why so many women put up with this, why isn’t their self esteem higher? Op sounds like a sweet woman. If he is so unkind so early in the relationship what will he be like in another year. It’s so depressing. I really hope she dumps him.

Original poster
Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:25

MiniPumpkin · 03/01/2025 11:25

He’s pathetic, what age is he? I mean a child can provide someone with a compliment.
sorry but no amount of past trauma stops you being nice

He is 32 and I agree

OP posts: