To be so fucking angry that DH woke me up?

I have 3 kids.. two primary aged and a 10 month old. I also work permanent night shifts. 24 hours a week.
My DH works full time but does one weekday a week at home.
So similar to you.
Let me tell you that how you have arranged this with your DH is NOT sustainable at all!!
I prioritise my sleep. I put ear plugs in I go up to bed and I am not available after a night shift. For 9 hours. And that's that. Just as it would be in the night.
My DH structures his work so that he takes the kids to breakfast club every day so I don't ever have to wake up early to do that. He also has his weekday at home to correspond with the day after my night shift so that he can watch the baby whilst he sleep and on that day he also picks the elder two up from school.
You need to have words with your DH.
You will absolutely ruin your health if you continue like this. He needs to step up and you need to make him.

It is entirely understandable that you are raging at being woken up but I'm not sure it is reasonable. DH may have thought that 9:15 is a great lie in and that you'd want to know that he was on his way to pick up the DC so you could get ready. But I agree with PP that you're much too overtired and need some help so you can get more regular sleep.

They die earlier, that’s how they manage. Because not everyone can. The health impacts on shift workers are increasingly well documented. I used to like working night shifts but the more I read the more I’m glad that ended for me.

Some of us Mums need to go to work to contribute to the mortgage and like working.When my 3 were little I worked 2 nights a week and would only have 4 hours sleep when the youngest was at nursery post night shift.Plenty of Mum's do this especially nurses .It's not for ever they will soon be in school .

I can vaguely see both sides to this except where you are clearly exhausted, at your wits end and your DH swans out and leaves you with the child. Not only was he super selfish but he was irresponsible leaving a small child in the care of someone this emotional and sleep deprived. If he can find the time to go to a gym whilst his wife is suffering with 4 hours of sleep or less ongoing he is absolutely not doing his share. Posters are talking about 6 hours of sleep but there is a world of difference between 4 and 6 hours.
I’m not sure the immediate answer is for OP to give up her work because her DH is clearly selfish and puts himself first so that might result in everything being dropped on her and without any of her own finances.
I think you should tell him this is not sustainable and ask for his solutions within a tight timeframe. I would try to get a check up at the doctors in the meantime both to check for deficiencies/health issues and to make him ‘officially’ realise you surviving on 4 hours sleep is not sustainable or fair. I hope you can jointly find a solution.

I don't have much to add, except to say that I've been there in that exact situation, and although it was probably almost 20 years ago, the emotions this reading this just awoke in me were almost as powerful as what you're feeling now. YANBU and I completely understand how you feel.

I'm struggling to remember how I dealt with it now (stupid middle-aged brain). There wasn't just one overarching solution unfortunately, I think it largely involved me severely rowing back on a lot of the jobs and responsibilities I had at home and things like visiting relatives, that were adding to my stress and lack of down-time. I let quite a few chores slide, and prioritised doing stuff that made me happier and more fulfilled - ditched that sense that I should always be doing something else and rested when my kids were resting. I also just told dp he had to do certain things to pick up the slack, and never interfered in those things even if he did a poor job.

Sorry that's probably a bit nebulous and not much help as far as advice goes!

Dude, you'll have to get a bit of a skin on you. Mumsnet is full of swearing and it's nothing to do with how you're brought up.

I think you’re on the wrong forum if you don’t like swearing.

I find it very embarrassing when people use bad language, it is not necessary and shows a lack of appropriate vocabulary. Maybe I am in the minority but that's how I feel. My late husband and I never swore, perhaps because we had been well brought up and educated to be aware of people's sensitivities.

Pack your job in and budget to make ends meet. You need your life back before you mentally and/or physically crash altogether - there’s a reason you put your oxygen mask on first.

why the fuck shouldn't she? 😂

"I am fucking livid" sounds a lot more realistic than "I am angry" and express the situation a lot better

Why do you feel the need to swear? I hope you don't swear in front of the children.

This all sounds very dysfunctional.

I really feel for you. You need to cut back if at all possible, and think of your overall health. I ended up mentally and physically exhausted with chronic depression eventually. See your GP as soon as you can. If you wish, ask for something to help you sleep. My disabled son didn't sleep through the night until he was abt 13 years old. It was horrendous. I was a single parent with another young son, working, and trying to be ever8to everybody. Act now to save yourself burning out later on. Sleep depravation is a serious, under rated condition, and life changing. Get some help please. Lots of love xx

Men can be so pathetic can't they. Of course he didn't need to wake op up with silly questions - though it might have been more sensible to go to bed earlier. And going to the gym very selfish. Hopefully this won't go on for ever but meanwhile maybe you need to work out a more manageable schedule.

To be honest I’m amazed (but not really surprised tbf) that people are slagging off the husband so much, he sounds like he has pretty equal childcare responsibilities, op does the morning drop off and pick up and DH presumably does all the evenings/bedtimes/nights while she is at work, sounds similar to our setup, and just because I am tired from having little sleep and working silly hours doesn’t mean my DH is lazy and useless, it just means I’m tired, I may be annoyed at his lack of thought, but I wouldn’t be ripping him a new arsehole for waking me up.. neither of us get more than 6 hours sleep a night during the week anyway.. we catch up at the weekend.

she also says the littlest doesn’t sleep through so DH is the one at home having broken sleep too, she isn’t painting the picture of a useless DH, so why do people think he is a vindictive arsehole who hates her and woke her on purpose to make sure she didn’t get a lie in? It’s a bit of a stretch.

op could have gone to bed and tried to go to sleep at any time from when all three children left to go to relatives m the night before and didn’t actually need to stay up till 4am like she did, no he shouldn’t have woken her, but maybe he assumed (reasonably) that she would have at least tried to go to bed a little earlier and had already had a good chunk of sleep by then.

I really hope they have apologised to each other and OP considers whether working nights and trying to maintain sleeping patterns on her non work nights is the best way forward.

Or a different husband!!!

Op you need to change jobs. Myself and friends were talking about shift work when I was looking for a job and all said post kids it’s just a form of actual torture for your head and body (without kids it’s torture enough).

If everybody thought like you no hospital would be staffed. What on earth do you think shift workers do when we have children?

Absolutely incredible that people think the problem here is the job.

Your husband hates you and wants you to suffer.

What a load of nonsense.

Better for the OP to quit work for 4-5 years til the children are older, than get complete burn out. The OP is working a night shift (with THREE children under 5,) because her lazy arse of a husband CBA to try to earn more money, and also can't be fucked to pull his weight around the house, (and with the children.) Leaving her to do all the housework, grunt work, and domestic shit, as well as the childcare. AND her night shift job! She is also lucky if she gets 4 hours sleep a day.

Breaking yourself, destroying your health, suffering sleep deprivation, and not being the best version of yourself - for your children, just so you can polish your shiny medal and say 'I am better than you because I had children, and worked til I dropped!' is not something to aspire to either @Greenqueen40

And you are cherry picking what I said. I said to the OP 'do you really need this job? You should not be working night shifts and doing all the wife work and all the childcare with THREE children under 5, can you not take a break for 4-5 years until the children are a bit older/more independent?' I did not say 'QUIT WORK, and depend on your husband forevermore.'

And anyway, what if the OP does want to be a stay-at-home mum long term/til the children leave school...?! It's perfectly OK to do that. Just because you made different choices (or maybe had no choice but to work,) you have no right to judge other women! Quit being so smug, and step down from your pedestal. Women who stay at home with their children, and have their husband provide for them and the children are not beneath you, so quit acting like you're better than them!

.

YANBU. He owes you a nights sleep.

Choose a date and book yourself into a Premier Inn and ask for their quietest room. Ear plugs, eye mask. Mobile on silent. Sorted

My DH has become considerate of my sleep over the years. But I've had to at times yell 'do not wake me up ever / even if I'm dying - please let me' - to get my point across.

You have my sympathies.
Please invest in earplugs and enjoy the deep sleep you can in the hours you are able to. ESP if you choose to do a hotel night.

Please don't ruin your health for your family/husband. Pay for the childcare and stop working at night. You can earn money over the years but your health might never recover from lack of sleep. Soon enough you'll be in peri-menopause which will again not allow you to sleep well - so make the most of the time you have now to recover mentally and physically from your pregnancies, deliveries and raising little ones.

You clearly need a break!

You are clearly taking on a lot of work for a lot of kids. Best to sit down with DH and discuss that you are burning yourself out. It wouldn't be surprising if not being able to sleep is related to stress too, and this could lead to something more serious like falling asleep at the wheel.

Sharing more responsibilities with DH might help, but if not, you might need to make some changes with your job.

It may be prudent to have a better system in place too - how about writing notes, texting him the key information so he can refer to it later and he doesn't have to. Stick sticky notes on the doors and walls if you have to!

Consider investing on some soundproofing like foam for the noise!