To ask - can a parent crying in front of a teenage child ever be emotionally abusive?

Confused about why this isn't the part you're focusing on re abuse.

Completely agree with this. My two teens (adhd/asd) drive me to tears regularly. Usually private tears but sometimes it's inevitable that one of them walks in and finds me crying. It's in no way manipulative or abusive. It's just real life and sometimes it makes you cry! We're not robots. I think it does kids some good to see they've pushed you too far on occasions.

I think I only saw my mum cry when her mum died. I found that really, really unsettling.
My kids have seen me cry, mainly when they younger and I was working stupid hours and sometimes would just crack with the pressure/ inability to deal with one more fucking tantrum.i tend to cry out of frustration or despair, rather than to get my own way. Largely because I was brought up with the 'don't cry or I'll give you something to cry for' mentality - and I was a sensitive soul who felt a lot. Crying was associated with shame for a long time.

I don't think I've ever seen dh cry, not even when his dad died.

Yes, crying can be abusive, but mostly it isn't. We are an emotional family. We all, myself, DH, two DD's, cry at films, books, news stories. We cry when we are happy, when we are sad. We cry if someone is being hateful, or if someone brings joy. We cry to release emotion. I think that's healthy tbh.

My dad was the one prone to crying in our family whereas I hardly ever saw my mum cry, even at funerals. He once burst into tears in front of me and my sister when we were about 12/13 and 10 because we were always wanting to do different things and complaining that we didn’t want to do the thing the other one wanted to do. This was at the weekends my dad had us, not long after my parents had separated. When this happened I felt terrible and we stopped moaning so much. I still remember it quite well.

As a one off that wouldn't be abusive - she was having a natural response to the shock of learning her DD wasn't attending college anymore, maybe not ideal but not abusive. But the 'drunkenly tantrum' of your account suggests there's more to this than that one isolated incident.

I also think things can not be abusive but can be unhelpful and affect the quality of our relationship with our parents and how we feel about ourselves.

This is a really good point. I never saw my mum cry. Not once, including at the funeral of her mother. I had a difficult relationship with my mother largely because she seemed so disconnected with her own emotions and in a constant state of papering over difficult things and trying to make like everything was always fine even when it really wasn't.

It left me feeling that I didn't ever really "know" her: it felt like there was something dishonest about her reactions.

I think crying can be manipulative but I don't think there's anything wrong with a child, within reason, being allowed to see and understand that their parents have feelings.

It depends on the context.

My mother regularly used (fake) tears and general hysteria as manipulation and control.

She even once pretended to faint and drop to the floor simply because I wanted to study the subject of my choice at university.

I was verbally, mentally and physically bullied by my father at home, including being hit in the face and she used manipulation/tears to blame me for it, imply I should be OK with it and to paint herself as a victim, making me guilty for complaining about my father.

No need to say I have been no contact with her for years.

FFS mums have enough shit to wade thought without the idea of crying being considered abuse!
anyone … anyone… man, woman and child can cry for attention… is that abuse

But she was in a moving car! Whatould you gave her do, jump out?!!

Things my mum cried about.

Working on her birthday, she wanted me to do it, instead of revising for A Levels.

Not making her a cup of tea she had not asked for.

There are loads but I'm not giving head room to remembering them.

I don’t think crying in the situation you’ve described is abusive. She probably didn’t make eye contact because she was trying to hold it together.

I take myself off to another room and eldest no doubt knows what I'm doing - I'm a single parent and it's bloody hard sometimes and can be overwhelming and shit. I don't expect anything from them - it's not done to manipulate a situation or them - sometimes I just need an outlet

Why is it too much? I would cry if my daughter dropped out of school and then did not go on to college.

My mum would have arguments with my dad, usually on a Sunday. She'd go to the bedroom crying. She would beg me to come and give her a hug, but I always felt that the argument was her fault. She'd be desperate and crying.

As I got older I resented and resolved not to give into it and she called me hard.

I am not sure this was abusive but it was emotionally manipulative and I still dislike her for it..

On the other hand last year I had major surgery and spent two weeks crying post op from the anaesthetic. DS who is ASD found it hard to see me cry. I don't think I was manipulating him, I was at the mercy of some strong emotional upset, plus couldn't walk properly.

Howeverr I am going to have a little chat with him about it prompted by this OP. I hope you are OK. X

Crying in front on your children is fine, nothing wrong at all with expressing emotions.

The tears of a special needs mum are huge. I try to do so without her presence but some days are just hard.

I agree it depends on context. It's okay for a teen/child to see Mum cry. Adults are allowed to be sad and have emotions. That's a good role model-something made Mum sad so she's crying-fine.

It is NOT okay for Mum to cry to make the child feel guilty, or to do something (with exceptions) about it. Or to manipulate the child's feelings.

I cried because my daughter was sat next to me in car and just kept on and on and on being awful haranguing me and basically telling me I was the worst mum ever and how I didn’t help her and didn’t understand her and was doing nothing to help her ( she has mental health and SEN issues
I genuinely felt really sad but made myself cry to get her to stop and realise I was hurt ( she apologised and we had a good chat )

I’ve cried out of frustration trying to get her to go to school as she is a entrenched school avoider ( sort of worked)

I would not fake cry to manipulate any other situation for example if I wanted her to come shopping with me or spend Christmas with me or paint her nails/ cut her hair or wear a dress to the family wedding as these are trivial things that I would not give a shit about

My wonderful DH died when our kids were 5 and 7. That made me cry. My eldest struggles with life (ND) and has been vicious to me during puberty and he's made me cry too. I grew up never seeing my DM cry even though she lost my brother aged 10. I think my way is healthier though I don't blame her at all, generational I think.