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Original poster

I just feel so sad for DS

41 replies

Aneena · 02/01/2025 21:11

DS is 10 and ExP has always been pretty hands on even after we split up. We were on good terms after we split 7 years ago, he would pick DS up from school multiple days and generally has gone out of his way to be around, even when inconvenient.

About a year ago ExP got together with a mutual friend. I see her through a friendship group but I wouldn’t meet up with her just us two. She has been kind but restrained to my DS and I do think her heart is in the right place.

But a few months ago (July time I think) she moved ~2 hours drive away and ExP followed to be with her. Since then he has tried, he’s FaceTimes a lot, comes up at weekends… but the fact he’s around a lot less is very noticeable. DS is just so quiet and you can see it’s breaking his heart. He talks about his dad being far away (he was literally down the road before) all the time.

They recently announced they are expecting a baby in March. I had no idea, and found out at the same time as DS when she came up along with ExP for the first time in ages. No time to think about how to approach it with DS. He is so sad. And he didn’t hide it. So ExP was quite mardy he didn’t get the happy reaction he wanted when they turned up for the big reveal. I stood up for DS in front of the both of them, and said it’s a big shock for him, just because he wasn’t over the moon straight away doesn’t mean he won’t be excited once it sinks in. He’s a child and allowed to feel uncertain about something big. So now ExP isn’t very happy with me and they have accused me of spoiling a special moment.

I think DS will come round and ultimately love having a baby around. But he comes across as feeling pushed out already and it’s horrible to watch. How to navigate this? I think the person he really needs support from is his Dad, but after this it has been very strained between us for the time being. I’ve tried to call but ExP just keeps telling me how hurt him and his girlfriend are.

I want my DS to be happy and excited too - but I’m not going to force him to reject how he is feeling?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/01/2025 22:06

Would help dc to talk to a counsellor or therapist? Then it would also give the option for yourself and his dad to have sessions. Might help dc manage his feelings and ger his dad to acknowledge why dc is so sad.

Original poster
Aneena · 02/01/2025 22:02

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 02/01/2025 21:55

Good job standing up for your DS. He has a right to be upset, and I wouldn’t expect him to “come round” and love how his absent father is now having a baby that gets to be with his dad every day when he is absolutely being pushed out and left behind.

There is the admirable objective you have of supporting DS having a relationship with his dad, but don’t cross over into defending your Ex when he is deeply hurting your DS.

I want my DS to be happy and excited too..
There are times when you should empathise with your DS and validate his sadness as a normal and reasonable reaction to what is happening. It is batshit to even hint that he should be happy and excited about this. Now is the time to reassure him you aren’t going anywhere, that he will always have you there prioritising him.

I’m not sure you understood my point in your last part? Or maybe I’m misunderstanding.

I don’t mean it in a “I think he should be happy about this and won’t support him” way.

I just mean in an ideal world he would be excited about a new baby. Because he would be secure enough in his relationship with his dad to not worry. I don’t think it’s batshit to accept reality but wish this were the case.

basically, I want to see him happy.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 02/01/2025 21:55

A 10 year old has no reason to be excited about a baby
Just keep supporting your ds

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 02/01/2025 21:55

Good job standing up for your DS. He has a right to be upset, and I wouldn’t expect him to “come round” and love how his absent father is now having a baby that gets to be with his dad every day when he is absolutely being pushed out and left behind.

There is the admirable objective you have of supporting DS having a relationship with his dad, but don’t cross over into defending your Ex when he is deeply hurting your DS.

I want my DS to be happy and excited too..
There are times when you should empathise with your DS and validate his sadness as a normal and reasonable reaction to what is happening. It is batshit to even hint that he should be happy and excited about this. Now is the time to reassure him you aren’t going anywhere, that he will always have you there prioritising him.

CulturalNomad · 02/01/2025 21:55

Sadly, I think that you need to prepare for a slow fade as pregnant partner and new baby take up all of exP's time

Unfortunately I have to agree, and you'll probably need to gently prepare your son for what lies ahead. Adults can be so utterly selfish.

What kind of a twat stages a big "baby reveal" in front of a 10 year old? Then gets his feelings hurt because the poor kid can't quite process the whole thing? (Obviously that was a rhetorical question !)

Walrusdress · 02/01/2025 21:46

Please reassure your son that he shouldn't bottle up what he's feeling and that he doesn't have to hide that he has many different emotions about it all to make others happy.

I had a very similar experience growing up but no-one reassured me that it was ok that it hurt.

Tandora · 02/01/2025 21:44

Your ex and his partner are selfish t* . Your poor son.
You don’t sound bitter at all and you’ve said absolutely the right things. Stuff them if they want to make assumptions about you being the bitter ex . Thats on them. Pair of losers for how they have behaved 😢

Original poster
Aneena · 02/01/2025 21:43

TieflingDruid · 02/01/2025 21:34

I definitely think you’re not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t discuss it with your ex though. I would grey rock him and help your son have the best relationship possible with his Dad in the circumstances.
(And have a good vent on here because it is very sad and unnecessary).

Thank you

sad and unnecessary about sums it up I think

I always said I would never grey rock anyone but honestly it’s tempting right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Aneena · 02/01/2025 21:41

It’s just so unfair and if I stick up for DS then I’m the bitter ex. (Which I will do obviously!)

I have been nothing but supportive to ExP and even his new GF, purely because the most important thing was DS and his relationship with his dad who he idolised. I never wanted to be accused of creating a bitterness between them and tbh I never had reason to.

It really feels like I can’t win.

OP posts:
SpringIscomingalso · 02/01/2025 21:39

Your ex is starting brand new life. She will keep him occupied

Runningoutofthyme · 02/01/2025 21:36

yanbu

but tbh I would prepare for your ex rarely, if at all seeing your ds going forward. I feel for your ds

TieflingDruid · 02/01/2025 21:34

I definitely think you’re not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t discuss it with your ex though. I would grey rock him and help your son have the best relationship possible with his Dad in the circumstances.
(And have a good vent on here because it is very sad and unnecessary).

Original poster
Aneena · 02/01/2025 21:32

I think the big thing for me is it’s just so many big changes at a time.

in the course of 1 year DSs dad has gone from seeing him basically every day, picking up from school, taking him to clubs.. to:

  • getting a new partner
  • moving away with her
  • having a new baby
  • seeing DS almost exclusively at the weekends

any of these, we could deal with. But all of them in a short space of time?

and then to be mad that DS isn’t doing cartwheels about it all?

OP posts:
IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 02/01/2025 21:31

Your poor son.

If I were you, I'd read your Ex the riot act about the way he's treated your son and how badly he handled the pregnancy announcement- but then I'm hotheaded.

Your main priority is obviously being there for your son- let him share his feelings without any judgement and reiterate that what he is feeling is completely understandable.

I'm glad your son has one parent who isn't a complete shit.

SkaneTos · 02/01/2025 21:23

Your Ex and his new partner are adults. They can handle their feelings accordingly.
Your son is just a child. This will be a big change for him.

Your Ex could have handled this much better.

I agree with you, OP.
I voted YANBU.

Ablondiebutagoody · 02/01/2025 21:21

I think that exP is a twat for moving two hours away. There's no way they can maintain a decent relationship like that so the baby thing doesn't really matter. Sadly, I think that you need to prepare for a slow fade as pregnant partner and new baby take up all of exP's time. He's just getting his excuses in early.

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