To think that men just actually don’t want to do that much after their OH gives birth?

The men in your life sound like real winners.

Yeah the generalisation does hold true... 😆 Most men are lazy fuckers when it comes to housework and childcare, and have to be begged/coaxed/asked to do it. They very rarely offer/volunteer!

Not your Nigel eh? 😂

Or are YOU Nigel? 👀

.

I’ve heard lots of men say things like “I WISH I could stay at home with the baby” or “If I only I had more time to help.” SPL was the beacon of “Dads can finally help out like they’ve said they want to for years”.

So we know after so much fighting and moaning for it, shared parental leave has had shockingly low uptake (5% of eligible men) . Not so popular when offered it apparently.

Tbh I've seen plenty of posts from women who don't want to give up their leave to give their partner any. I imagine take up would be higher if they were separate things. The woman gets maternity leave, and the father (or other woman if a lesbian couple) gets a separate amount that doesn't take away from maternity leave.

My DH would have loved to take SPL, and I hated maternity leave so would have happily given it to him. But my company pays 100% pay, and his pays statutory so it would have been financially very stupid, especially as he's the higher earner.

I know a few men who did shared maternity leave, in every case they were the lower earner so it made sense for the mother to return to work once full pay ran out.

My DH was OK with helping aka parenting his own child. At the time I thought he was actually very good because my friends dh were absolutely appalling in comparison.

I agree with this.

A lot of men (maybe even the majority) don't actually deserve children.

I do see where you're coming from and actually see a lot of shitty men and stressed out mums doing too much in my antenatal group. I think it really comes down to the individual.

As others have said, SPL is a crock of shit, they're robbing Peter to pay Paul. I took 13 months off with DC1 (maternity then annual leave) and that still felt too soon. My baby didn't sleep longer than 2/3 hours at a time until he was 11 months old. I was an absolute shell of a person. No way could I have gone back at 9 months pp to let my DP stay at home. I'd still have been doing the nights as well because of breastfeeding.

My partner got 2 weeks and then took an additional 2 weeks of annual leave and it was so lovely having the two of us home and sharing the load. I did tell him before the baby came that I was going on strike for the fourth trimester and in fairness he did very well to feed and water us and cleaned the house a lot (started with skirting boards for some reason).

In all my time in the Civil Service I’ve only known one man take up the paternity leave option. He took it from 3 months as his wife was the higher earner.
Anecdotally I know but I do also know his wife. She said it was OK but that he didn’t do things the way she would have done them and she struggled with it. He managed the babies (twins!) and the house but never took them out to baby groups or even the park. I do think we women find it difficult to hand over to men who do things differently.

I wish the government would actually give men their own parental leave entitlement rather than women having to give up part of theirs if their DH/DP wants to take time out. I gave DH 3 months of my leave, and it was a great decision - we're far more equal in terms of what we do with DS than most couples I know. It was annoying to have to give up those 3 months though, I had to spend every break pumping milk in the first aid room (DS couldn't have formula).

My husband enjoys the newborn stage far more than I do and is brilliant at caring for babies. Unfortunately, whilst he could have taken unpaid parental leave, it made no sense for him to do that as I was entitled to paid maternity leave. If his company allowed men to take paid leave then we'd have shared it down the middle.

The get a year between them for maternity and parental leave. DH did 3 months shares parental leave but that meant I could only take 9 months maternity instead of a year.

Where I work, we get additional maternity pay for 5 months - but this is for the primary carer. The Dads only get 4 weeks of extra pay.

It's no good Mumsnetters kicking off at someone making a NAMALT post, when there are ridiculously stupid OPs like this.

When I came home after my caesarian, it was when fathers got three days paternal leave if they were lucky. My DH did everything but breastfeed, including getting up in the night to bring baby to me to feed (I had carpal tunnel syndrome so picking her up was hard) and continued to do everything he could before going to work, as soon as he came home, and through the night.

I've watched my son in law be a massive support to my DD after both babies (refusing my offers of help with housework and laundry etc because he had it all in hand).

So yes, some men are great, and some men are not. It's a stupid OP.

My concern would have been that DH would constantly have wanted to do things, like all of us traipsing to the park, or swimming, or a cafe, or round the shops or really anything to get out of the house.

As it was, he dragged me around a forest park at a week pp, and looked confused when I said I really needed to be somewhere with clean toilets, and to have somewhere comfy to sit to try to bf DS, rather than trying to balance on a tree stump.

I imagine he'd have been quite good at doing the washing and cooking, but he'd have invited people round constantly and generally talked non-stop at me. I'd have gone absolutely insane.

Well, you are "talking shit".

You might well be describing your partner, but the generalisation doesn't hold true.

I think it would be interesting to see how money impacts this too.

And your comment about PND is interesting to. A feminist I used to follow (Zillane) talks a lot about her view that PND is a lot about mothers being g left to struggle alone because male partners won’t share the load.

I have had stories from friends whose partners : husbands took paternity leave and spent the entire time working on personal projects / with friends….

But then I know other men who took paternity leave and were the primary parent during that time when mom went back to work.

It really depends on the man (and the woman.)

It’s the shared part that’s an issue. How many women want to leave their babies if they have the choice at 6/7/8/9 months?

Then theirs the mums who go ok and he takes the leave over at 7 months, but then complain well that’s the easier part now they move and do stuff and don’t wake every 2hours.

add in a lot of companies still offering men shit pay for their parts.

let’s face it what people really want is some kind of policy that gives both parents 12months the off together full pay.

My husband did his 2weeks each time, then back full time, however he always did all time times and cooked dinner once home. He also admitted anymore than 2 weeks and he would be climbing the walls bored basically he can’t just sit at home.

Most women don’t want to share their maternity leave. Paternity leave should be longer and separate from a woman’s maternity leave.

DH took 4 weeks the first time and 6 weeks the second time. He would’ve taken more if it was possible.

You sound like Queen Boudica; magnificent yet terrifying.

YABU, my DH took 3 months off with our first child. He absolutely took over the house.
He wanted to take the same with our second but his work had undergone a restructure. He had been moved department to a more senior role. He got told in no uncertain terms ( unofficially) that the person going into the role needed to be there to build the team. If he was not going to be present then head be better suited to one of the smaller teams located in another town. He missed the leave to ensure he had the job close to our sons nursery in our town where he could do the nursery runs.

Not all men are shit, I don't think mumsnet is reflective of the general population. You don't come on here to post a thread about how your husband is a good caring husband who shares the load because what would you be asking?

True. But most men CBA to lift a finger in the house even before children come along. Men are inherently lazy - and selfish, and see childcare and housework as womens work.

The 'my DH does 50% of everything' brigade will come along soon to say I am talking shit, and 'Not My Nigel. My Nigel does more than ME in the house!' 😆

YABU and absolutely sexist to be honest. I have numerous friends whose partners have taken SPL. It mostly depends on the maternity/paternity packages the companies provide as well as salaries. If the father earns more, which is often the case, then it’s not always financially viable for the main earner to take a huge cut if they are only entitled to statutory pay for example.
The people I know who have done it work for organisations with good packages or where the mother is the higher earner. And these are very doting, hands on fathers who see it as anything but a holiday.
Yes, if you’re trawling MN for hours all you’re likely to hear are complaints about useless men. This isn’t representative of the real world. It’s like watching Midsomer Murders and thinking Somerset must be the murder capital of the world.

My ex was shit but he was a huge man baby and actually threw a tantrum becuase I bathed our baby but hadn't run him a bath since I'd been cut open to birth our baby. Ignoring the fact that I hadn't washed myself in weeks becuase I couldn't cope looking after the baby, the house and working for our company.

DP was an absolute dream. He had 12 weeks off. For one he was incredible in the birth and my cheerleader. He did all the nappies for the first few days and still does the vast majority while he's not at work. He does the baths. He gets up in the night. He loves looking after his baby and me and my our older child.

Neither of my babies have been sleepers but I’ve still found the newborn period the easiest bit of parenting. Was so ready for DH to go back after two weeks with baby number two. Would have much preferred him to be able to take some time later on in the year when baby was on the move, sleep deprivation was well and truly kicking in etc. Also once they’re more interactive and you can actually enjoy things together.

Problem is shared parenting leave usually only works that they take your maternity leave so if he had taken it at eight months for example, I’d have had to go back to work then. I didn’t want to go back to work, but to have him at home more would have been nice.

I agree OP.
my husband booked the last 3 months of my mat leave as his leave under shared parental leave. When it got closer to the time he backed out and said he didn’t want to do it any more and would rather work. It would have been 3 months fully paid leave and I was on statutory and my last 3 months was zero pay.

he also spent the two weeks leave of DC2 doing hobbies and mowing the lawn and went out for lunch with friends so YANBU my husband is one of the crap ones you refer to

It’s unfair to generalise. IME it’s not uncommon for women have children with lazy men but expect them to have a personality transplant once the baby is here which is wildly unrealistic. Women need to look at the red flags before children because some men a waving red flags. For example I imagine that the ones who resent paying their share of maternity leave were probably financially mean before children too.

Obviously there are men who change afterwards so you can’t always tell.